That's supposed to be cauliflower. Har har har.

Happy Boxing Day, everybody! Dusty and Eric team up for this audio, officially recorded starting Christmas Day and ending about half an hour into the following morning. But whatever, it’s a weekend audio! The guys talk about the deaths in professional wrestling in the year 2009, as well as the last Smackdown of the year. Eric also reads from the January 1995 Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine and finds a wrestler’s name you have to hear to believe. Also, what hot tip does Eric have about TNA iMPACT!, set to air Jan. 4? Click and listen! (65 minutes)

Stunt Granny Audio #74

From all of us here at Stunt Granny, Merry Christmas.

If you don’t celebrate Christmas you are an idiot. You are totally missing out on a wealth of gifts and family guilt. So put down the Menorah. Toss the Koran away and pick up a failing evergreen tree and get in the Christmas mood. You don’t even need to muddy the waters with the whole Jesus thing. Embrace Santa and his crass consumer ways man!

Oh and we’ll be back Monday unless something totally crazy happens.

It’s beginning to sound a lot like Christmas! Dusty, Kevin and Eric take up the three-man booth this week to discuss tons of rumblings and goings-on in the wrestling world. With Scott Hall and Sean Waltman scheduled for TNA iMPACT! on Jan. 4, how will the inept company screw up the potential reformation of the NWO? Does that incompetence lend any insight into why Sheik Abdul Bashir was willing to leave, or why Tommy Dreamer is willing to go? And what the hell is wrong with Kid Kash? (Hint: Everything.) All this and thoughts on Monday Night Raw are just a click away! (59 minutes)

Stunt Granny Audio #73

St. Nicholas is a consumer advocate.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me ten pair of John Morrison’s sunglasses, nine TNA Winged Warrior T-shirts, eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. My imaginary love certainly knows my penchant for losing sunglasses, even the perfect pair from Disney World that fit my fat head. It’s a nice stocking stuffer of a gift but I do wonder how well you can see out of the Rhinestone crosses. The dark tint of the lenses helps to offset both the gold frame and the white/clear Rhinestones. They’re decent but the Rhinestones really make them douche-tastic.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me, eleven John Cena Floor Mats, ten pair of John Morrison’s sunglasses, nine TNA Winged Warrior T-shirts, eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. They’ll be perfect for the bad weather to wipe my shoes and my dogs paws on. I do wonder why they used a bulldog considering none of his other merchandise uses a dog. Dogs are loyal, but you’re not likely to see much hustle out of an English bulldog. If it could chew through a chain link fence, I would respect the fact that the dog will probably kill me when it’s loose. The picture does look kind of nice even after my jokes. It’s on clearance for half price so I’m glad my imaginary love is being thrifty during the slow economy. It’s not terrible, but who’s going to buy a floor mat at an event? Or even think to order one online?

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me twelve Divas Snow Globes, eleven John Cena Floor Mats, ten pair of John Morrison’s sunglasses, nine TNA Winged Warrior T-shirts, eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. I can’t believe how thoughtful she is! I’m sure glad the Divas got their own ring apron which is quite boring. The ring posts with ropes around the globe crack me up. At least they’re being detailed. There’s nothing more attractive than having some amorphous Diva blobs inside. They are having a pillow fight so there’s a legitimate reason for the “snow” on the inside. The pillow cases and bed sheets are both pink so at least they’re trying to make it a little girly.

I had to end on an epic fail. Too bad those WWE scumbags already took down the DX snuggle because that was going to be my twelfth day gift. Merry Christmas Grandkids! - Kevin

Roxxi came back as cute as ever.

This totally sucks. According to Jason Powell at Prowrestling.net via Dixie Carters twitter, my favorite TNA Knockout Roxxi broke her ankle. It is a rare thing when watching TNA that I actually feel like I am not being sodomized with a Texas Pete lubed chainsaw. Imagine my surprise when Roxxi showed up last week and then beat ODB. She was finally getting a push and all seemed right with TNA. Visions of Alyssa Flash versus Roxxi danced in my head and the knockout division actually mattered again.

Now it doesn’t and I hate TNA even more. Is it their fault she broke her ankle? Probably not but I blame them for everything else so this is yet another thing they have done wrong. How? I don’t know but whatever. I am sad. -Jeremy

Oh yes.

According to Meltzer, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman will be appearing on the January 4 edition of TNA Impact, which will run head-up against WWE’s Monday Night Raw. TNA is not a real wrestling promotion. TNA is someone’s bet on how long a company can stay in business while doing everything wrong. What an absolute joke. – Dusty

There's a man in a refrigerator box...

According to Meltzer, word going around the WWE water cooler of late is that Tommy Dreamer is done in the the company and that his match that will air Tuesday night on the ECW program will be his last. Join us next week for

“This is going to be just like when Lex Luger appeared unexpectedly on Nitro and it led to Nitro killing Raw in the ratings and the same thing is going to happen with TNA Impact killing Raw in the ratings, and all it’s going to take is Tommy Dreamer walking out to ringside and it’s going to be great and oh I can’t wait!!!”

-or-

“Who’s going to eat the garbage?!” – Dusty

I have no clue what is entailed in Kwanzaa.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling  Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. I don’t think I’ve seen a wrestling program before. TNA definitely hasn’t because they have no description for it. At least the WWE’s Encyclopedia has a description. I could listen to Don West’s 4:40 description but I don’t feel like looking at his bloated carcass. Leaving out a written description shows yet again why TNA is bush league. Take out five minutes of your time and write a description. It isn’t hard.

On the eigth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. Finally, a shirt to analyze. I have no idea why TNA produced a shirt for an announcer when they can barely get t-shirts out for their returning wrestlers. You can read my argument for not using “FTW” and bullet holes especially because of his on air lovefest with the world here. The shirt already has two strikes against it and I’m barely out of the blocks. Strike three comes with the random ass design on the front behind the text. I think it’s partially taken from one of his tattoos but considering he never shows them it’s hard to know either way. The fact that it randomly goes to the left shoulder and also un your arm pit on the right side. It shouldn’t be hard to keep the design visible. On the back, it says “Ol’ Fashion” on the top and “Beat Down” below the orange block and fist. Taz hasn’t stepped in the ring in so long and he’s fatter than ever before, there’s no reason to think Taz could give anyone a beat down. The giant fist just looks silly. I think that’s strike one & two on the next batter so this shirt went down looking. Thanks for nothing imaginary love, I hope you don’t mind me giving these to some homeless children that need them.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me nine TNA Winged Warrior T-shirts, eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. The first thought when I saw this shirt was “Why doesn’t the World Elite have a shirt?”. My second thought was “Why doesn’t Doug Williams have his own shirt?” My third thought was “Doug Williams looks like a tool for modeling a company shirt since they’re always trying to keep him down.”

The front of the shirt, they center the TNA logo and the word “Wrestling” below it. The problem I have is with the spatter of blood that covers up the red “Wrestling”. The spatter works on the remainder of the shirt though. Below the text and blood spatter are wings. I’m not a fan of “Otal Nonstop Action” on the right sleeve. They should have “Total” on there and something on the left sleeve to off set it but all I can see is more blood spatter. That’s a bad combination.

On the back of the shirt, the left side is a giant wing. It is detailed fairly well and looks kind of nice since the white & grey offsets both the black of the shirt and red of the blood spatter. The wing extends down the back which helps to visually offset the gigantic TNA logo. Because the logo is so bright though, the wing would need to be all white to help it pop the same. The “Wrestling” text is covered by the wing just enough to piss me off. If you’re going to make graphics (text in this case, but even if it were just pictures) overlap, have more be hidden. If something happens once, it’s probably a mistake. If a design feature happens twice, it may be a pattern but one is never sure. If the feature happens three times, it’s definitely a pattern. At least they repeated a single letter being obscurred three times, but it looks bad. More letters should have been covered up.

Thank gawd my imaginary love has ceased getting me stuff from TNA. - Kevin

Somebody put this sign on Dusty's neighbor's door, please.

Huh, TNA has a pay-per-view tonight? Damned if I knew that; Jeremy said something to me on IM about Kevin asking him to do an audio preview (Jeremy scoffed), and I was all like, oh damn, I didn’t even know. So here’s a text-based preview of TNA Final Resolution. (I had to go to TNAWrestling.com for the line-up, and that scuzzy SoCal Val was on a video hesitating and hiccuping through her very simple lines to promote the show. Uh, uh, uh, you suck.)

Daniels vs. AJ Styles (TNA “World” Title): Boy, these fresh young main eventers are setting the world on fire. Prediction: I’ll be asleep.

Desmond Wolfe vs. Kurt Angle (Three Degrees of… Pain? What the fuck is that?): Wolfe is making headlines these days as… oh, no he’s not. Prediction: Lariat attempted countered into an armbar takedown transitioned into an ankle lock, at which point I’ll probably be watching football anyway.

Scott Steiner vs. Bobby Lashley (Last Man Standing): Jesus christ. Prediction: Someone’s gonna tear something. The man who isn’t standing will be legitimately injured.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. British Invasion (Tag Team Titles): OK, two guys I like vs. two guys I don’t hate. Someone IM me when this match comes on. Prediction: MCMG will get fucked like they always do.

Dudleys & Rhino & Jesse Neal vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez & DeSomethingOrOther Dinero & Suicide (Elimination match, go figure): OK, so Rhino and Jesse Neal like each other again? And how are “future main eventers” Morgan and Hernandez supposed to shine here? Seriously, Hernandez, I beg you, get out of this contract and go to WWE. I have a friend who knows people. I haven’t talked to him in a while, but maybe he can help. And you know the people he knows. Hear me out, man. Prediction: I text my friend.

Tara vs. ODB (Knockouts Title): Eh, whatever. Where’s Taylor Wilde? She’s as cute as a button. Prediction: ODB slaps her big tits.

Raven & Dr. Stevie vs. Mick Foley & Abyss: Sooo… Foley and Abyss like each other again, too? Whatever, go eat some Chef Boyardee, you fat fuck. (That goes for three of you four.) Prediction: None of these guys will ever work for WWE. (Foley will be inducted into the hall of fame many, many years from now.)

*deep breath*

Samoa Joe & Beer Money & Kevin Nash & Eric Young & Abdul Bashir vs. Kiyoshi & Homicide & Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed & Cody Deaner (Feast or Fired): Unbelievable. This is going to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I would rather watch Kevin Nash do 20 minutes of stand-up while Homicide gets drunk and heckles him. I would rather watch Eric Young swing from the barn. I would rather watch the board meeting where four of these guys get legitimately fired from TNA before the match happens. Prediction: Hatred and death.

So there you go, expert analysis from yours truly. Have a good night, everybody! -Eric

Marrying TNA iMPACT! to Monday nights = Big Mistake

According to Prowrestling.net, Spike TV officials are planning to air TNA iMPACT!!! a little more often on Monday nights – kinda Clash of the Champions-style but a lot suckier — and they might even consider making the move permanent. Ay yi yi…

Spike TV president Kevin Kay told Multichannel News that TNA Impact is planning to air TNA Impact on Monday nights on a quarterly basis. “If it’s successful, I’m not opposed to moving it to Monday nights,” Kay said. “This is the time for this … TNA has a lot of momentum with Hulk Hogan and we have the ability to market and promote it.”

We’ll see if ol’ Kevin “On the Take” Kay changes his mind after the ratings come in from the Jan. 4 head-to-head masacre that’s sure to ensue. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for competition, but low-rent TNA isn’t exactly competition for WWE, and the only momentum Hulk Hogan is going to add is whatever speed his Little Rascal can muster. Everyone on god’s green Earth knows who Hulk Hogan is, but no one cares enough about him to watch three hours worth of shitty wrestling that he’s given an arthritic thumbs-up to. And to think droves of wrestling fans will follow TNA to Monday nights — especially since I guarantee you whatever TNA serves up on Jan. 4 will just be a big stinky shit show — is awfully presumptuous. So make the move if you want, Spike TV, but like Dusty has said recently, you’ll only be committing career suicide. And not the kind you can dress up in an 8-bit costume, either. -Eric

(Discuss this and other news items on the Stunt Granny Forum!)