The Art of Wrestling – “Stone Cold” Update

When I published my article on Monday, I called “Stone Cold” Steve Austin a marketing genius. After heading on over to WWEshop.com, I can more than confirm this notion. His new shirt is now number the number one seller. Not only is that shirt number one, but another one of his shirts that I used as his simplistic approach is number two so I’m going to delve into it for a bit.

I'm the king of merchandising!

I'm the king of merchandising no matter how many crappy TV shows Hulk Hogan puts out.

The shirt is black with white print on the front that says “Been There” and below it “Destroyed That”. I forgot to mention earlier this week, that his phrases are concise and people would love to be able to do what they say, whether it’s a construction worker who wants to trash the jobsite from some uppity client or an office worker who wants to go “Office Space” on their fax machine.

On the back, is the skull which is formed from various shades of white and grey. The words “Stone Cold” look like a raised stamp in the middle of the forehead. A light snake skin pattern is overlayed on everything. It incorporates his skull logo and his “Rattlesnake” nickname which is a slick move and creates a cool effect.

The design is simplistic, straight forward and actually looks nice as a result. We could only wish most of the wrestling community would learn from this merchandise machine who hasn’t wrestled since 2004. – Kevin

Matt Sydal Injured

Totally legal baby.

Totally legal baby.

This totally sucks. PWTorch.com is reporting but if you saw ECW last night you knew he was hurt that Evan Bourne is going to be out at least four months with a severe ankle injury. You could see it last night after flipping out of the ring and overshooting the group on the floor. This is awful news since Evan is one of the only reasons to watch WWE programming right now. If there is a bright side to this injury is he can take some voice lessons coupled with some acting lessons so he doesn’t sound like a thirteen year old kid when he gets back. No matter how good you look in the ring the moment you open your mouth and do not sound like you can legally buy alcohol or convince a hooker that she won’t get busted for statutory, well, the illusion is over. -Jeremy

Gabe Sapolsky Speaks

This is some interesting shit.

This is some interesting shit.

Over at Prowrestling.net there is a link to a Newsday.com article with a statement from Gabe Sapolsky about his removal as booker of ROH. Now don’t get your hopes up. The quote sucks and isn’t really worth mentioning but since it is a slow news day, get it, it warrants a comment.

There really isn’t a side to my story. There was no fight or hard feelings. I understand Cary’s decision. I love ROH and hopefully everyone will give the new direction a chance.

This just goes to show that Gabe has no clue how to survive in the wrestling business. Rule #1 when leaving or being fired, always bad mouth the former employer. This way it guarantees you get rehired down the road or better yet some yutz promoter brings you in for an astronomical asking price. Use this situation to your advantage. Take some shots and watch the real cash roll in. -Jeremy

Adam Pearce is ROH’s new booker, catering not cut

See, fucker, Im awesome! Triple-check THAT!

"See, fucker, I'm awesome! Triple-check THAT!"

According to Prowrestling.net via Figure Four Online, Adam Pearce has been brought on as Ring of Honor’s new booker. Word around the campfire is that Pearce will bring a more 1970s style of wrestling to ROH, but continue using the same roster. And who says Jim Cornette’s style is outdated? Maybe Jimmy Jacobs will come back with a big gut and spindly legs. Maybe Bryan Danielson’s new finisher will be a fistdrop from the second rope. Maybe Buddy Landell will work a few dates. Or maybe this will work. R-O-H! R-O-H! -Eric

R.I.P. Special Delivery Jones

One of many fond memories of S.D. Jones.

One of many fond memories of S.D. Jones.

According to Prowrestling.net, former WWE jobber S.D. Special Delivery Jones (real name Conrad Efraim) died Sunday in Antigua after suffering a stroke. He was 63. Of course the one lasting memory of Jones is his “9-second” (more like 22-second) squash loss to King Kong Bundy at the first WrestleMania. All of the other times he appeared on TV sort of blend together in the little-kid part of my internal file cabinet, but the memories of this smiling, happy enhancement talent are all fond. His speech at the WWE Hall of Fame inductions in 2006, where he inducted his friend Tony Atlas, was nice if not a big rambling, but hey, take all the TV time you can get. Hopefully they can understand you in heaven, my smiling, jobbery friend. -Eric

The Art of Wrestling – “Stone Cold” Steve Austin

Steve Austin is a marketing genius. This guy comes back for one lousy appearance as a special guest referee and he has a new t-shirt. The shirt follows his pattern of having a skull on it like this one or this one or even this one. The t-shirt also follows another pattern that I emphasize a lot, it’s a simple design. It does break from his regular trend of having a white skull with a black background though. The new shirt is light grey with black print which provides a good contrast. On the front, the words “Stone Cold” are arched downward around the round neckline. The words are solid with a gap and an outline in black. The skull is light grey with the black designs creating the outline and background. There doesn’t appear to be a rhyme or reason to the background which is the only thing I can find wrong with this design. On the back, They just put on the intials “SC” straight just below the neckline and a breakline with two elongated triangles and a diamond in the middle separates the other words below, “Since 1989”. Steve started wrestling then but they really should have gone with “Since 1996” because that’s when his “Stone Cold” character took off. Not a big deal in the scheme of the design though.

16 says I just made a boatload of money on my new t-shirt.

Austin 3:16 says I just made a boatload of money on my new t-shirt.

I’m going to analyze the Diva’s Halloween costumes now because they’re much better to look at than an aging bald man and his new t-shirt, even if he is a marketing genius. – Kevin

Sapolsky Out As ROH Booker

This makes our Stunt Granny mascot , Peaches, sad.

This makes our Stunt Granny mascot , Peaches, sad.

According to ROHwrestling.com, Gabe Sapolsky has finally gotten the boot as head booker effective immediately. In a very terse statement ROH makes it readily clear he is out.

Ring of Honor is announcing that Gabe Sapolsky will be leaving the company effective immediately.  Everybody at ROH would like to thank him for his contributions and wish him well in all future endeavors.

Going forward Ring of Honor will be focusing on the stories and the talent in the ring.  The company will have no further comments on this issue or a replacement for Mr. Sapolsky.  We would like to thank all of the fans and media who have supported us over the years and look forward to bringing you more great wrestling excitement in the future.

May we suggest the following for replacements; Jim Cornette, Paul Heyman, Dave Prazak or a monkey in a tuxedo. -Jeremy

The Art of Wrestling – The Prince Justice Brotherhood

I’ve been nice to TNA for their Race for a Cure t-shirt and tried to be optimistic about their live iMPACT! in Las Vegas this week over at the Pro Wrestling Torch.  That nice streak is coming to an end after looking around TNAshop.com and seeing the Prince Justice Brotherhood shirt and the child wearing it.

The WWE is smart enough to either simply use their wrestlers wearing their own merchandise or when they give you a close up, it is only of the shirt they are selling.  The child wearing this shirt looks like a douche bag in training from at an early age.  Is there anyone reading this that doesn’t want to slap that dumb smirk off of his face?  The camera man is partially at fault because he couldn’t even get this boy to cup his hand to make the Curry Man “C” which is what he is imitating made clear by the following pictures in which he dorks it up to look like Shark Boy and Super Eric.

Enough bagging on the child, time to move onto the shirt and start in left to right format.  Curry Man is best seen in this shot which is still missing his caricature from its’ right shoulder over.  The thing that sticks out to me the most is the ridiculous set of teeth that they gave him.  Shark Boy’s biceps may be exaggerated, but if he actually hit a gym, he could be that big.  There is no way Curry Man could achieve that perma-grin.  I really would have liked if they would have cartooned up all of their characters but only doing it to one of them makes it stand out and look bad.  Plus, would it be asking the camera man too much to actually feature the whole shirt at some point like when the model was posing as each character?  Evidently it was.

In the center is Super Eric, who has a smirk as equally slappable as the model’s.  The caricature is fine and he may be a little muscled up also.  He is doing a classic, arms folded across the chest which plays up his inspiration from Superman.  Super Eric should be doing the hands on the hips gesture since he does it on TV far more often.  I could get into his costume design, but I’ll save that for when I’m mocking what Super Eric actually wears on TV.

One the right, we have Shark Boy. As noted already, he has rather large arms which make his spindly legs even more entertaining than they are in real life.  TNA has done a nice job of recreating his outfit but that’s all I can say for it. 

On the bottom is a crest that is too large because the name is cumbersome.  The shield is a basic design which has wings on each end, which should be eliminated since none of them can fly.  I’m not sure why it has four stars either since there are only three members in the Brotherhood.  We could only wish that they’d bring aboard their own “Wonder Woman” so that each star represented someone.  At least they got the color scheme correct and went with red, white and blue.

Christy Hemme would make a great Wonder Woman.

Christy Hemme would make a great Wonder Woman.

On the back, we get the statement “We come in peace…They leave in pieces!” which doesn’t sound very super hero like to me.  It sounds like more of an anti-heroes statement coming from the likes of The Punisher or Marv from Sin City.  The heroes are supposed to beat up the villian and then hand them over to the proper authorities like Superman or Batman.

This kind of hero  would leave you in pieces.

This kind of hero would leave you in pieces.

TNA took a big swing, missed and got a “Kapow” right in the kisser for this bad design and catch phrase.  Now if only some child on a playground would do the same to that model, we’d be a better world. – Kevin

Lose Some Weight Flatso!

Over at ProWrestling.net they some news about WWE telling Manu he needs to lose some weight. Never mind all of the other fat guys on the roster they decided to target this Samoan guy right off the bat. Has anyone looked at Big Shows waist lately? He is back to his old BIG self and no one is whispering a word to that guy. Instead, the guy who has a genetic resistance to being skinny is singled out and told he is fat. Nice move, here we have a Little Big Show on our hands and they are preventing him from fulfilling natural his born role. How else are we going to have that dream angle of Boogeyman placing a curse on Big Show and as he rolls under the ring an incredibly shorter version rolls out the other side? How else is JR going to yell “I don’t believe what I just saw.” -Jeremy

The Art of Wrestling – HHHalloWWEen

The next target of my mocking in the world of wrestling is Hunter Hearst Helmsley.  The King of Kings has quite a little collection with his HalloWWEen package.  I already went thru my thoughts on the WWE Title Belt so I’ll leave it alone.

The first item in the package is the Triple H Iron Cross pendant.  I’ve wondered for quite a while where HHH’s obsession with a Prussian turned German military decoration started.  Considering that his real last name Levesque is French for Bishop confuses the matter even more in my book.  His family may be from near the French and German border.  I seem to be getting away from the critique of the pendant though.  The wings are completely unnecessary and don’t match anything on the other items sold in the package and causes clutter on a pendant that is only 1 1/2″x1 1/2″. If the wings were removed, the skull could move down allowing “Triple” to not be so crowded on what I assume to be a sun or moon.  The “H” on the skull looks disproportionately large to the skull itself.  I hope any children that plan to wear this outfit decide to leave the pendant at home before asking for treats.

The Triple H Skull/Crown Baseball hat is up next and is a little more tolerable.  I like the skull design because it incorporates the Iron Cross into the crown and the skull itself reminds me a bit of the Ring Wraiths or Nazgul from Lord of the Rings.  The minor problem with the design is that it goes down onto the bill of the hat.  Unless someone is taller than you, people will never see this portion of the design.  On the back is the Latin phrase “Genibus nitito Canis” which is a poorly constructed way of saying “Bow down on your knees, dog!”  So now, the WWE and HHH have decided to throw an Italian language into the mix instead of using a the German phrase.   “Beugen Sie sich auf Ihren Knieen, Hund” is the German version which really wouldn’t fit on the back of the hat well, so I suppose they want us to think about the original German Moncarchs from the Holy Roman Empire.

HHH would be mucher cooler if he spit his water bottle onto the Witch King's flaming sword.

HHH would be mucher cooler if he spit his water bottle onto the Witch King's flaming sword.

 The third piece of gear coming out of this package is the Triple H Bandanna Mask.  I’m confused by the description because there aren’t any cut outs to use this bandanna as a mask.  It’s black with a white king skull which doesn’t make any sense since the rest of his gear is grey or silver.  As stated above though, the king skull design is fairly sharp so this item is a minor thumbs up.

Continue reading

%d bloggers like this: