Ric Flair Needs Money

According to numerous sources and posted all over, we are using our old stomping grounds over at PWTorch.com, Ric Flair is already welching on his retirement in favor of big paydays. He is quoted as saying his “retirement” only applies to The United States and Europe.

It’s sad; Flair had probably, the perfect retirement a wrestler could ever ask for. It had real emotion and genuine sentiments from his colleagues. He actually legitimized the retirement of wrestlers by fooling all of us in to believing he was going to stay away from the ring. Now, due to his own ridiculous financial problems he is going to bastardize everything for some big money paydays.

Let’s face it, Flair sucks in the ring now. Shawn carried him in his final match and the idea of continuing in the ring just makes us sad. At least the matches will probably be in Japan and will save the American audience from having to see this. I’d be fun to joke about this but it’s just sad. -Jeremy

The Art of Wrestling – TNA Race for a Cure

During Breast Cancer Awareness Month, TNA has stepped up and started to sell a shirt to help raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation.  With the still fairly recent loss of Jill Jarrett to this disease, it is an outstanding gesture on TNA’s part.  I’m not here to give you a lesson on detection, but I am here to look at the quality of the shirt they’re selling.

Shoptna.com has a picture of the entire shirt and then a close up of the front.  They have kept the design very pink and very simple which is a good formula.  They just have the TNA symbol with the wording “Total Nonstop Action” on the top and “Wrestling” below it.  The breast cancer awareness ribbon in placed over top of the design to show the importance of the cause while still getting in their own advertising.  The back of the ribbon is show slightly shaded as to imply that it is wrapping around the TNA symbol.  The only aspect of the design I would change would be to use black outlines around all of the designs instead of the grey shadow they are using.  It would creat more contrast and help both symbols pop off the shirt better.

On the back, they have the slogan “Wrestling Breast Cancer One Match At A Time” along with both tnawrestling.com  and www.komen-nashville.orgin white lettering with a dark pink surround clustered around script JJ for Jill Jarrett.  Again, it’s simple and straight forward so it’s a fine design.  I’d also still use black to outline the lettering to help it stand out more.

I wanted to commend TNA with their effort to help raise more money for an organization that surely helped and may still be helping Jeff and his daughters after a very rough time. – Kevin

The Art of Wrestling – John Cena

My first look at the HalloWWEen costumes got picked because it was the top seller on WWEshop.com.  The next costume is a returning act who is also a big seller, John Cena.

Let’s start with the assorted little extras that come with this package, namely the dog tags.  These tags are just too awkward, one is 2″x3″ and the other 2 1/4″x1 1/2″, to take seriously.  I know that they’re trying to mimic the “You can’t see me” wave but it’s incomplete without at least a third tag which would really make this necklace unwieldy.  I’m not sure going with the 8 bit graphics is a good way to go with a necklace but the minimum the WWE could have done was cut back on the tag’s size by just making them from his torso up.

The cadet hat is next on the chopping block.  They have kept with the 8 bit theme and made the camouflage pixelated.  The “You can’t see me” patch on the front doesn’t do a whole lot for me but does create a nice doubling up effect with the dog tags.  The rear logo starts a little trend too.  It’s a black square with a red globe that is comprised of latitude and longitude lines with the term “Cenation” on it.  The term makes me pine for the days of the Chain Gang.

The “Cenation” wrist and arm bands are also influenced my the military theme that John Cena maintains through a lot of his products.  They are olive green with a black border.  They’re fine although one would think that the arm band, which is larger, would contain the “You can’t see me” catch phrase instead of the wrist band.

The WWE Championship Spinner Title Belt also comes in the package.  The WWE did a good job of replicating it with cheaper materials.  You can compare the real thing to the above linked replica.  All the writing is the same, jewels are in the right place but it doesn’t appear to have the same depth.  You can even add the name plate for an extra $20.  It’s a nice piece of plastic but doesn’t make a whole lot of sense considering that he hasn’t held the belt since his pectoral injury in October of 2007 and that title is now on Smackdown.

Thanks to Nintendo for creating a great game and this picture.

Thanks to Nintendo for creating a great game and this picture.

Last up is the 8 Bit T-Shirt that has been out for a while now.  They really went to some lengths to replicate the old box cover onto the shirt even if it was to the designs detriment.  They flipped the location of the seals on the bottom and changed them into Cenation (Maybe that’s his brand now?) and his “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” logo.  They should have moved the “Cenation” tag to the back to help unclutter the front.  The WWE also squared up the picture at the bottom instead of it being angled.  The change is fine but the “You can’t see me” may have been easier to fit in on that angle because it would have been a longer line.  They also changed the characters in the background a little bit so they weren’t all white with brown hair.  The back does a good job of diagramming “The Five Knuckle Shuffle” but unfortunately it looks extremely awkward but then again so does the real thing.  The WWE could have substituted the rear “You can’t see me” for “The Five Knuckle Shuffle”.

It’s a nice package if you have a young one at home who loves John Cena but this outfit isn’t really suited for anyone reading this site. – Kevin

If you want to scare me before Halloween, contact me at kevin@stuntgranny.com

Lance Cade Put Out To Pasture

How am I not marketable?

How am I not marketable?

Well here is a surprising release by WWE. According to WWE.com they have wished Lance Cade the best in his future endeavors.  The timing of his release is strange as they had intertwined him in with Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels. He even scored a tag team victory over Michaels and Triple H a few weeks ago so someone had to have confidence in him in some respect. It is also surprising considering that Michaels was his mentor and one time trainer.

Cade had all of the physical tools to be a WWE superstar but his mic time and his increasingly bland appearance certainly had to hurt his long term standing. It won’t be a surprise to see him back in WWE sometime next year unless this is WWE’s way of slowly ridding themselves of young, underutilized talent in the hopes that their elderly roster will turn their business around. –Jeremy

Repeating History: Bret Hart is to John Cena as Steve Austin is to…

Steve, make me look good, I dont want people to think Im only the 14th best wrestler to ever come from Canada.

"Steve, make me look good, I don't want people to think I'm only the 14th best wrestler to ever come from Canada."

I’m watching Survivor Series 1996, with one of the feature attractions being Bret “Hitman” Hart vs. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Hart was returning from an extended leave of absence (following his WWF Title loss to Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XII – “Tell him to get the fuck out of my ring” … heh heh heh), and during Hart’s break, Austin began to shine after winning King of the Ring. But Austin’s push was on and off – he was on Summerslam, in a dark match, and he was off Mind Games in September. Austin really blew up, though (and thank god, since our other top heel choices were Sid, Mankind and horse-riding Hunter Hearst Helmsley), after challenging, badmouthing, and finally wrestling Hart at Survivor Series. Sure, Austin lost the match, but on that night a star was born.

Like it or not, John Cena’s return from neck fusion surgery (six f’ing weeks ago) is imminent. And in somewhat of a parallel, Raw is short on really good, main-event heels. Randy Orton is about to return, and Chris Jericho is on fire, but JBL and his tits have grown old, and Kane is by no means a headliner anymore. And who else is left? Anywhere? The Great Khali? Vladimir Kozlov? Mark Henry? Maybe Big Show if they’d make up their mind how – or if – to use him.

Two things could happen when John Cena returns: He can wobble out to the stage, flopping and flailing around all willy-nilly like he always does, in his stupid oversized jersey and his trucker hat, looking as awkward and directionless as a newborn deer. Or he could return with a purpose, to shut the mouth of some new heel on the horizon who says they’re sick of hearing about John Cena’s return (and Orton doing that on Raw doesn’t count, and in fact, him doing that might have fucked the whole thing up, but not necessarily) and who challenges Cena to a match at whatever PPV he’ll be returning at.

So who out there would best fill this role? Let us discuss the top three options:

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The Name Game: WWE PPV titles vs. TNA’s crapfest

Hard to beat

Hard to beat.

Sounds like federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

Sounds like federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

Bound For Glory, TNA’s flagship pay-per-view, took place Sunday. I don’t give a good god damn what happened on the show, but the show was an opportunity for the monthly jokes about how terrible TNA’s PPV names are to crop up.

But in comparison to WWE’s PPV names (and certainly Ring of Honor’s DVD titles, which is a blog for another time and dimension and cosmos where I care about them anymore), are TNA’s really that bad? Sure, they sound like terrible Steven Seagal movies, but guess what? So do most of WWE’s. And the kicker, the part a lot of people forget, is Vince Russo, likely one of the people responsible for naming these shows (I believe he was the reason WCW was going to name seven of their PPVs after the deadly sings), used to work at a video store. These awful, cheesy, sometimes straight-to-video names surrounded him all day, every day. I’m sure when he was fantasy booking his league in his trusty notebook (what a nerd, who would do that?), he just looked down the “Action” aisle and gleaned the first 12 blood-spattered, bullet-spelled titles he saw.

WWE’s PPV schedule went monthly beginning May 1995, and it started adding more elaborate subtitles to the In Your House shows during Russo’s rise to power. Now that the dust has settled, and WWE and TNA have an established monthly (or in WWE’s case, a little more often) schedule, which company really has the better collection of names, and which one is worthy of the most ridicule? Let’s compare them, month by month.

January: Royal Rumble (WWE) vs. Final Resolution (TNA)
WWE’s January PPV is named after one of the greatest gimmick matches in history. TNA’s is named after someone’s yearly goal not to bite their fingernails anymore.
WWE: 1, TNA: 0

February: No Way Out (WWE) vs. Against All Odds (TNA)
This is one of WWE’s PPV titles that sounds like a Chuck Norris movie or something that aired after WCW Thunder on, as my friend Scotto would say, “Movies For Guys Who Like Guys.” Unfortunately, TNA’s show sounds too much like a Genesis single. A commercial with Disco Inferno beats a song by Phil Collins every time.
WWE: 2, TNA: 0

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Scott Hall sends Iron Sheik roast spiraling further down

Shock of shocks: Something weird happened at the roast of the Iron Sheik (look for the big-ass poster after the jump), and we have the YouTube videos to prove it. (Big ups to the underscore equinox with two x’s for making these even more publicky in their publicness.) Apparently comedian Jimmy Graham made what guest Scott Hall thought was a tasteless joke about Owen Hart, and surprisingly, a drunken Hall became belligerent and started crotch-chopping toward the panel of esteemed roasters, including a shrunken King Kong Bundy, and Kevin Sullivan, who looks and talks like he’s trying out for Danny Devito’s old role in a 2008 version of the old TV show “Taxi.” And Mr. Bob Backlund just sits there like a dope the whole time. One of the best parts of this whole thing is that WWF TV jobber Jim Powers is the guy “holding” Hall back the whole time. I guess all that time he spent carrying Paul Roma in the Young Stallions paid off here.

Honestly, this is more sad than anything. First, it looks like the event was held in a room where GED testing takes place, or like the hallway of a night court or something. Second, putting a bunch of alcoholic wrestlers in a room (I saw glasses of water on the tables, but come on) and then asking them to wax jocular about the Iron Sheik is just asking for disaster. I love this Iron Sheik stuff just as much as anyone, but there’s a line between letting Sheik be Sheik, and creating situations like this. -Eric

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Kelly Kelly Says No, I Say Yes To Victoria

 

Not sure how this got past every member of Stunt Granny, but over at ProWrestling.net, they have a blurb from Kelly Kelly’s Myspace page where she states she will not be the Diva for the next Playboy shoot.

If true, this sucks but it allows the door of possibility to open for, in this order, Victoria, Mickie James, Melina, Jillian hall, (From the neck down of course) and I guess everyone else.

Still, if it isn’t Mickie I am pulling for Victoria, which is of course a longshot. Victoria has the most tenure of all the divas so it would be fitting to see her in a state of undress and then WWE fire her. No matter what though, seeing Victoria naked would be a dream come true.

Is it clear that WWE needs to get this woman naked? I mean come on already. Even if she isn’t under consideration let this be a call to Lady Victoria herself. Please, please, just send just send us some pics please. -Jeremy

Dolph Ziggler: “Hi, I’m an idiot.”

Close enough, just as stupid.

Close enough, just as stupid.

According to WWE.com, Dolph Ziggler, aka Nick Nemeth, aka Nicky from the Spirit Squad, aka Kerwin White’s caddy, has been suspended for 30 days for his first Wellness Policy violation. Here’s a guy who’s been saddled with some of the worst gimmicks WWE has come up with (saying what you will about the Spirit Squad: a male cheerleader is not a good gimmick), and he chooses to do himself a favor by getting himself suspended. I mean, come on, you couldn’t even offer to drive Funaki around in exchange for his piss? The Big Sho (get it?) was a great patsy for Batista a while back. I’d suggest anyone else in the company to help you pass a piss test, but no one else is eligible. Chemistry labs put William Regal’s urine in a centrifuge and pour the separated liquids into clearly marked beakers, never to be combined again. Jeff Hardy’s pee isn’t even visible under black light… it IS black light.

Eh, whatever. Maybe after 30 days, WWE will realize how stupid the name “Dolph Ziggler” is and change it. Were they envisioning Ivan Drago as a porn star or something? Stupid. -Eric

The Art of Wrestling – Beer Money, INC.

I’ve been picking on the WWE so I thought I’d take some time to pick on the red headed step child, TNA. For an appetizer, I will be looking at one of their top sellers, Beer Money, INC.’s t-shirt. The base color is black which is standard for most wrestling t-shirts. They have done a good job of matching the color of US currency on all of the graphics front and back. The color of money is light enough to have all of the graphics create a good contrast with the black base. I like the inclusion of both of their names in the darker green at the top and bottom of the center of the bill because it imitates bills that are going out of circulation. TNA really could have put the cleverness level over the top by replacing the Treasury Secretary’s signature with Jim Cornette’s over the label TNA Management Director.

What Benjamin really looks like.

What Benjamin really looks like.

The center design takes it shape from the Department of the Treasury’s seal so they’re really sticking to their theme. I don’t mind the catch phrase “It pays to be Roode” and the cowboy skeleton drinking is right up James Storm’s and many wrestling fan’s alley.

This cowboy skeleton would not be a appropriate.

This cowboy skeleton would not be a appropriate.

On the back is their joint catch phrase “Mind on my money” by Roode and Storm’s response “Money on my beer”. TNA just couldn’t leave well enough alone. If they just had the TNA logo on the back in the small print as they have, it would have even been fine. Both statements are straight out of Snoop Dogg’s “Gin and Juice” which James and Robert may listen to in real life but certainly doesn’t fit a hillbilly or a snobby character. – Kevin

For any other questions about the Treasury Department, contact me at kevin@stuntgranny.com

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