Astonishing Khali to undergo surgery, knees aren’t so great

GIVE ME YOUR PAIN KILLERS! BRRAGAHGAHAALALHAGAAA!

"GIVE ME YOUR PAIN KILLERS! BRRAGAHGAHAALALHAGAAA!"

This might have been a news item somewhere else a while back, but as was revealed to me on JR’s Bar-B-Q blog (noted by Prowrestling.net… I get the damn e-mails, too; why don’t I just read them and credit myself?), the Great Khali will go under the knife for knee surgery. This comes at a terrible time for Smackdown… oh shit, who am I kidding? I’m about to post a blog examining Smackdown’s roster, which is thinner than my grandma’s muumuu, and Khali goes down with an injury, bringing Snacktown’s midcard roster down to essentially three wrestlers. But Khali wasn’t that valuable anyway, so whatever. See you in about eight months, big man. Just don’t forget to keep your prescriptions up to date, unlike your knee-less friend, the littlest bloated man. -Eric

Eric’s blog: A look at WWE’s ill-balanced rosters: Raw

Look at all the people, here to see another Chavo match.

Look at all the people, here to see another Chavo match.

Jim Ross is gonna have my ass for this (and he can have it, as long as he brings it back tender, juicy and slathered with chipotle ketchup), but after discussing with Kevin on a recent audio the state of the WWE Intercontinental and United States championships, and with Rey Mysterio’s suspension, Jeff Hardy’s time off and (even with) Batista’s jump from Raw to Smackdown, Raw is still looking way too much like the A-show. Why? In part because more thought is going into Raw’s roster. Remember when Dusty would bitch about Raw not having a midcard? Seems that’s currently a Smackdown problem. I thought now would be a good time to rip off Wade Keller and look at WWE’s rosters for Raw, Smackdown and ECW. For as much credit as Smackdown gets, they sure don’t have much to work with. But let’s start with Raw, “‘cuz it’s the flagship brand, King.”

RAW MAIN EVENTERS:
(1) John Cena: Definitely the No. 1 babyface and definitely the No. 1 merchandise seller, but not the No. 1 roster member “by a long shot.” Not with Triple H stalking in the wings, bigfooting everything everyone does. But the fact is, no one is going to win a feud over John Cena right now, and so he belongs atop the list.

(2) Triple H: Ugh. At least he’s portraying himself as the jackass babyface on TV and not just being a jackass in normal life. Although he was willing to pull a child or 12 over the guard rail and let them do the crotch chop with him. Aw. But I still and will always feel like he’s the 1,000-pound weight on the chest of Raw as long as he’s there. And no one except John Cena will be getting one over on the Cerebral Ass anytime soon.

(3) Randy Orton: I don’t care how long he takes to get to the ring, he’s Raw’s top heel. Of course he was also smashed into smithereens by Triple H at WrestleMania 25 and tapped out to John Cena’s STF in record f’ing time at Breaking Point. But he’s still the No. 1 contender for the WWE Championship without any other heels below him likely to usurp that position.

(4) Shawn Michaels: The decorated, storied veteran who can still do it all… including tap out to Legacy when Triple H doesn’t want to. No one in the midcard is going over the Heartbreak Kid, but I find it unlikely that he’d beat any of the guys ahead of him in a long-term feud. He needs to help put more guys over, though, and I think he’s finally mellowed out and decided to lay down for some people.

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Linda McMahon Resigns as WWE CEO To Run For Senate in 2010

mcmahon07

Abortions for all! Booooo! Abortions for none! Boooo! Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others! Yay!

According to basically every news site out there, Linda McMahon has stepped down from being  a wooden statue CEO of WWE in order to pursue a 2010 Senate seat in the great state of Connecticut. She will be running against long time incumbent Christopher Dodd. When asked the basic question of if she was a Republic or a Democrat Linda said, in the most boring tone possible. “Make no mistake: I’m a Republican.” Phew, that clears it up.

You can watch a thrill-ride, heart-pounding video here outlining her plans to defeat that evil bastard Dodd. Notice how Linda avoids any and all use of the WWE or McMahon name. She’s using her “fame” to run for Senate but hiding her famous name to distance herself from her name. Makes sense to me.

Vincent Kennedy McMahon has valiantly stepped in to become the new CEO of WWE. I literally have no idea what this actually means, if anything, to WWE.  I am sure it has to do with something important. I quit caring years ago when I sold my WWE stocks for a delicious sandwich from a nice man in a camper. – Jordan

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