Batista to either be torn apart, make tomato sauce with Strikeforce (VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE!)

batista asthma

In case of smoke, asthmatics should get as low as possible.

Well, it’s official(ly stupid): According to Prowrestling.net, Batista will fight for MMA company Strikeforce. Yes, the 41-year-old, very brittle, very water-logged former WWE Champion.

The TMZ cameras caught up with Batista over the weekend and he said he is finished with WWE, and intends to fight for the MMA promotion. “I’m done with WWE,” he said.

When asked if he will be fighting for UFC, Batista responded, “Strikeforce.” When asked who he will fight, Batista said, “I know, but I’m not telling you.”

Well fine, I’m not telling you who I think will win this match. I’ll give you a hint, though: It’s not the guy who tears muscles, tendons and ligaments on a morning-ly basis, who gets winded making his way toward the ring and who’s only six months younger than my brother, to whom my mom gave birth while she was in high school. (I swear that, 12 years later, I wasn’t an accident.) Strikeforce would be smart to put Batista’s first match, ideally against a tomato can, on free TV, because any wrestling fan with a brain in his head knows Batista’s 16-second fight won’t be worth any PPV price tag, and they certainly wouldn’t subscribe to Showtime for the “privilege” of seeing Old Balls fall apart in the hexagon. On a positive note, maybe he’ll get to bang Gina Carano. -Eric

gina carano

And more power to him if he does.

OMG U’D BETER FUKING REED THIS UPDATE: According to Prowrestling.net, Batista has NOT signed with Strikeforce. In other news, I didn’t have oatmeal for breakfast. -Eric

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