Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of TNA iMPACT!

TNA cluster bombed us with angles in the opening segment.

They start off with a review of all of the happenings at Genisis spliced in with interviews after the show. Ken Anderson with a dead on description of how well anyone could come up with a better design for a belt than the Jeff Hardy belt.

TNA cameras caught Mrs. Jarrett (I’ve got to admit, still a little weird for me. She’s still kind of hot, but she’s really slutty in a not so good way which is weird since that is almost always a good thing.) arriving at the iMPACT! Zone with Jeff.

Ken Anderson was introduced as the champion to almost no ovation. The sheep boo when he says “The company over there.” Ken complains about getting shafted in the WWE. This promo proves he hasn’t advanced. Thanks for proving them right. You’re not terrible but you haven’t advanced. You can get a crowd to chant “asshole.” I mean, you’re proud you got to act like yourself? Seriously? Anderson wants to thank one asshole in person, Matt Morgan. Morgan wants to go down as the best giant of all time. You’re going to fail. You’re not even close to Kane status yet. They blew each other. Bischoff comes out and said that he has painted a bulls eye on his back because they brought him back. Jeff Hardy says via TV the title will be back around the waist of the anti-christ. OK, I know you allegedly distributed drugs, maybe took a whole lot of them, but what else qualifies you as an anti-christ? Bank robberies? Sodomy? Blowing guys thru glory holes? Murder? If he’s the anti-christ, we’re in great hands with Jesus. RVD assaulted Jeff Hardy. Matt Hardy attacks RVD.  Anderson comes in for the save. Immortal comes in and saves the Hardys. I’ll admit that Fat Hardy looks like he has added some definition in his arms and upper body but his gut has gotten larger. Do abs and cardio my man. And what a cluster fuck of a segment. Why did Morgan help out even if he would have been beat down too? What an asshole.

Tenay announces that the Hardys will tag against RVD & Mr. Anderson.  Karen tells Jeff she’s never been more ready in her life after sitting at home the last two years.

Beer Money defend their belts against the Motor City Machine Guns who cut a quick promo backstage before coming out. They start the match off in a four man brawl. Teny said that the next month with feature rematches from Genesis. Glad I didn’t order the PPV. Sabin gets the beat down. Shelley hot tags in and takes both of Beer Money down on his own. Shelley only gets a two count from a double foot stomp. Storm shoved Sabin into Shelley which cost him n apparent three count.  Storm gives Shelley a swinging neck breaker. Roode splashes Shelley but only gets two. Shelley super kicks Sabin. Beer Money hits DWI for the win. Russo finally strikes with the break up of the Motor City Machine Guns.

RVD & Anderson are talking about Immortal. RVD saying whatever and not even acknowledging Anderson’s plan to take them out one at a time. Idiot character. They go on the hunt.

Pope comes to the ring not in wrestling gear. Pope resorted to the pig’s fucking. You’re edgy. These guys that came to TNA couldn’t handle the criticism in the WWE that would have made them better. TNA is not run that way. Joe storms down to the ring. Pope bails. Joe says Pope is a fraud. Joe says claims that he’s going to kill him. I’m not sure a comment like that would fly in the WWE even without the PG thing. Too many people would jump on it after the Tuscon shootings. TNA is so under the radar, it’ll fly. Not trying to be political, just pointing out the power of the companies.

RVD & Anderson beat down Beer Money while they use cartoon sounds to beat them. RVD & Anderson go on to try and find the Hardys.

Flair tells Styles to rest up. Bischoff & Flair agree on a plan to get the belt off of Anderson. Flair then says “If it’s a war they want, it’s a war they’ll get.” We’re you already targeting them? You can’t turn the heat up more than that. Plus, RVD & Anderson approved of their work but Beer Money were almost ready to go again during this segment. Hospitalize them good guys.

Jarrett says Kurt is a sissy or something. I glaze over when he talks. I guess he’s hanging up his MMA gloves. Him having to do this MMA angle is proof that he’s never been more than a mid carder. HHH would never need that lameness to get over.

Jarrett brags then brings out Karen Jarrett. She’s been in 3 segments already. Why does she need to be introduced now? This makes no sense. Kurt Angle comes out instead. Karen tries to be Vickie Guerrero. She’s failing miserably. Karen is going to tell her side of the story. Um, Kurt never mentioned it on TV. Not that I remember.

Kurt Angles does an audition for Stomp. They replay the Madison Rayne loaded glove at Genisis. Velvet & Love argue. another break up barely after they get toether. VINTAGE Russo! Winter & Love take on Tara & Rayne. This tag title situation shouldn’t cause a break up. Tell Velvet to watch the damn tape from last week. Mickie chases off Rayne. Winter does a bad clothesline then submits Tara. Love looks at Winter weird. Shouldn’t that tell Velvet something too? Watch the math your friend is in. Jeff & Matt pat each other on the back. Matt claims their blood line is immortal. Are they vampires?

Abyss takes on Matt Morgan. I’ve checked out mentally but I’m going to finish this show. Morgan beats Abyss in a non-title match. The Freak Rob Terry comes in to make this angle really terrible. What a bunch of lumbering asses.

Red’s “little” brother strangles Abyss. He tells Abyss that someone is coming for everyone of Immortal on February 3. Tenay clears up his name whick is Crimson. Bischoff tells Abyss to step aside. He says they’ll have the power back by Feb. 3. Abyss warned Bischoff. Bischoff thinks he’s just crazy.

By the way, the braids are ridiculous Fat Hardy. Shorten that greasy shit. Learn from your brother. Anderson & RVD whoop the Hardys’ asses. Matt needs to put the arm and hand tape again. His forearms looks really small. Matt is wearing the same pants. Taz tells us that Matt was punished for his brother leaving the company. No, he’s a life mid carder. Deal with it. They continue to brag about having the Hardys. What chumps. Bring up your own talent.  We have a commercial. Just let it be done.

Van Dam does a piss poor job of looking dazed. Anderson gets the hot tag and Mic Check’s Jeff. Matt makes the save. Ref bump. Great. Beer Money comes out. I told you to hospitalize them. Even Taz makes fun of Fat doing the gun show pose. Twist + Swanton = Hardy win. Immortal attacks Anderson & RVD. I’m spent. Thank goodness it’s over. – Kevin

2 Responses

  1. Crimson?

    I am assuming this isn’t the same act from PWO? I actually saw that part of the show but I had no idea who that was and had not seen PWO Crimson without makeup anyway.

    • You’re right, it’s a completely different person. It just made sense to name Amazing Red’s brother Crimson since you know we’re too lever using the same color to name brothers. – K

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