Hulk Hogan, Dallas Page to butcher horror movie

I now see that this has been posted everywhere already today, but I completely stumbled upon it (through some piddly copy-and-paste site, found while I was Tweeting @hulkhogansbrain), so it’s new to me! And hey, the trailer was uploaded to YouTube in October 2009, so all of you other late bloomers can go screw. Anyway, Hulk Hogan and Diamond Dallas Page filmed a horror movie together called “Black River.” Read the entire synopsis here, or the gist of it here:

After several sleepless nights that lead to a long night of heavy drinking and a subsequent blackout, Clayton awakens the next morning to find his neighbor and her small child brutally murdered and the murder weapon inside his apartment.

Watching the trailer leads me to think this is a character sketch with the main character performed by Page, and judging by the clip, I have zero faith whatso-fucking-ever that he will do a good job with this. The “What did I do?” line alone ruins the whole thing. Hey, B-movie writers, no one talks to themselves like that! Page may be OK as a Rob Zombie lackey, but left to his poor choices we call devices, he could not possibly turn in a watchable performance. All I can think of that would save this flick is if Hulk Hogan played the FBI agent, and at the 90-minute mark he came rrrrumblin’ into Dallas Page’s apartment, clad in red and yellow and with “Real American” blaring in the background, while he legdrops everything in sight a la Emo Game 2.5 (he’s right under Fat He-Man). Otherwise, early recommendation: Avoid this stinker at all costs. -Eric

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