Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

This image came up when I typed in "Oh shit". Who am I to argue?

I typed in “Oh shit” because the Penguins are going to a game seven on Wednesday. Time to do or go home. I can’t say I expected much out of them without Sidney Crosby & Geno Malkin but damn it, I want this first round. I’m almost debating driving there. As the Pensblog will undoubtedly say “Time to sac up.”

Well, actually time to draft up. We start with a battle royal. My buddy Sean as he’s going out the door says “That’s gay.” Couldn’t agree more. By the way, couldn’t be less excited about the NFL draft this weekend. This one doesn’t hold much weight for me either. People are getting eliminated left and right. Why did Mark Henry eliminate himself basically to eliminate Clay? The announcer draft factoids are more mundane than any stat Todd McShay can come up with. We hit a commercial.

Big Show & Kofi for SD take on Mason Ryan & Evan Bourne. This could help Bourne out if he survives. He’s been on a losing streak. Of course Bourne does the worst possible thing, jumping into Big Show’s arms. Mason Ryan loses in a valiant effort, I suppose. He lost a lot of momentum when he got punted. Stupidest draft ever. Cena to Smackdown. I like it. It was him or Orton. He has a history with the Smackdown brand. Cole acting upset is hilarious in a bad way.

Cena movie references himself through the beginning of a promo. Miz gets off a great line. What a run by promo. Cole versus Ross in a match. Lucky us. I’m glad they’re not hiding from the R-Truth stuff. I get to FF through the replay. R Truth is going to talk about the crowd. I think this is a lateral move for Truth. He’s not going to get above this slot on the card on a regular basis. He’s cutting a fine enough promo but nothing spectacular. Why are they giving him this much time? It’s a basic I need to be myself and hate the fans promo.  Morrison finally attacks Truth.

They actually show her face. They actually name Kong, Kharma. Jeremy actually shit the bed when he saw her. I may have made up that last part. I’ll ask Jeremy tomorrow. Cole interrupts the Eve versus Layla El match. Oh, he didn’t and I missed the pin? Lay Cool is breaking up for sure now. Is Layla supposed to be the heel now? Eve nets Rey Mysterio for Raw. So much for me saying I wouldn’t have Rey & Sin Cara on the same show.

Cody is interviewed by Grisham.  Cody is going to give Rey a new mask as his going away present. Still too gimmicky for me. Kofi fights for Smackdown. Sheamus takes him on for Raw. Lawler backs the Raw guy for basically no reason. Wow, Kofi wins in impressively quick fashion. The Smackdown roster looks like a bunch of cheese dicks doing Kofi’s hand thing. Randy Orton goes over to Smackdown. Color me surprised again.

I didn’t watch Tough Enough because of the game but it seems like Rima got cut since Ivelesse said she doesn’t want the other woman to be the last one standing. Dusty was right, they threw people off her scent for a week. Cole versus Jim Ross. I’m bored. So are the fans. I can’t believe I’m not fast forwarding. Cole’s tattoos are still hideous. Swagger takes out Lawler then Ross. BBBOOOOOOOOO! Swagger is taking off another man’s belt. That looks really gay. Cole whips J.R. but he’s not getting much heat.  Lawler saves the day and gets to whip Cole a little bit. Finally the GM chimes in. Country Whipping Match? What the hell is that? I assume something like a strap match. Miz complains about not being the center of attention. He can still play that card. He has been overshadowed still.Miz claims that Raw will be canceled if he gets drafted to Smackdown. Hilarious.

Orton takes on Ziggler for two draft picks. That makes no sense for Orton. Dolph did change out of the Billy Gunn trunks. He needs a different design on the back aside from the DZ. Orton RKOs my boy Ziggler. I’m guessing Raw gets the later picks. Pink interrupts the draft pick because it can wait. They get me to stop typing. Punk is awesome and Orton held up his end of the bargain. The picks are meant as a cliff hanger. Thank goodness I can FF.

Mark Henry & Sin Cara both switch to Smackdown. All right, my statements stands now that Sin Cara went back the other way. Barrett’s losing two picks for Smackdown. Rey Mysterio gets a big win to start off his Raw tenure. All before the match starts by the way. Rey isn’t even in the ring.

I check Twitter and Rima Fakih did get cut. I stand by my statement that neither of those other two are good enough looking to make it in the WWE. Rima will be back if she really wants to. The WWE wouldn’t turn down that publicity of having Miss USA on their programming. So she doesn’t win the contest big deal. Rey gets the win to no one’s surprise. Raw gets Big Show. I called it. He gets drafted every year. Del Rio goes to Raw. Cena & Orton now have no one to feud with. Del Rio has a weird segment with Clay and Rodriguez.

I FF through the Extreme Rules preview. Teddy gets to announce the six man main event.

I’m going to FF through the entrances. Cole with the gauze in the mouth is making me laugh.They go to a quick commercial.

The draft continues at noon. I’ll try to pop on Twitter (@Stuntgranny) after picks. Maybe we gets someone to do a round up. What a weird show. They’re trying to hype a pay per view while doing the draft. Wait an extra week until after the PPV. The artificial rooting for a brand makes it weird too. Henry attacks Cena. What a way to make a turn. He tosses Christian into the stairs from a press slam. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale to win a pick for Raw. Who could it be? Cena is back on Monday Nights. The crowd is really pro-Cena tonight. What a dumb ending. What kind of stupid draft would do that? There’s more realism in my six team fantasy baseball draft. Orton has no heels to fight other than maybe Mark Henry now. Kane? Orton and Cena stay separate as I expected.– Kevin

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