CM Punk reportedly considering leaving WWE, I reportedly cry

Yeah, well, we love Punk!!

According to the barely reputable (but don’t tell them I said that, I don’t want a virus), CM Punk has not signed a new deal with WWE and has been considering leaving once his contract runs out. Reasons cited by the crack staff at PWInsider include burnout due to being on the road full-time for his entire contract besides rehabbing a hip (am I imagining things, or didn’t he take some other time off for an elbow, knee or shoulder?) as well as his perceived value to the WWE roster.

Perceived value. Um, right.

Maybe I’m imagining this one, too, but didn’t Vince McMahon force the writing staff to bend over backward coming up with a role for Punk while he was injured to keep him on TV? And wasn’t that role, approved by the boss, the heel color commentator on the highly rated flagship TV show, Monday Night Raw? Yeah, sounds like something WWE would do to someone they don’t value. The article says he isn’t considered one of the “top 5-8 guys that are promoted or pushed.” I understand how one might perceive things as such, but over his career, Punk has been the only two-time Money in the Bank winner, a three-time World Champion (main-eventer or otherwise), gets to cut promos at every imaginable opportunity, and has had two marquee singles matches at WrestleManias on years when he could have easily been lost in the MITB shuffle. Yes, The Miz has become a bit of a poster boy for WWE, but Punk gets to wear “I (Jew star) COLT” T-shirts on TV with zero reported reprimand, for crying out loud! Honestly, Punk, stick it out, for the kids. At worst, you’ll be treated like Rick Rude at the end of his run: a ex-title contender transitioning into feuds the writers put time into. At best, you’ll be the respected veteran you want to be. And at better than best, if you want it, you’ll be thanked with a lifetime contract, because WWE knows you’ll never croak on their watch thanks to your drug-drink-and-sex-free-other-than-the-sex-part straight-edge lifestyle. -Eric

Stone Cold Steve Austin Rickrolls our asses

Credit to user MattHarrak on the VIP Forum: Stone Cold Steve Austin, who has truly adopted the Internet as a way to keep in touch with his huge fanbase, hopped in his time-traveling ATV, punched in a date near when he was filming “The Condemned,” and made a little video of himself lip-syncing “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley, the song famously used about 17 ba-million times on YouTube to “Rickroll” viewers. (Short definition, in case you’re younger than 5: “Rickrolling” is the act of making people think they’re seeing one type of video on YouTube, usually nudity, which isn’t allowed on that site, you idiots, and then splicing in Astley’s cheesy 1980s music video. Major laffos had everywhere.) Man, no wonder Austin’s been married three times, did you see those dance moves? That prick turned down “Dancing With the Stars” and cost us weeks of entertainment. I guess I’ll just watch that spin he does at the end over and over. -Eric

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