Kevin’s Blog: WWE Draft Breakdown

The WWE draft is more of a swap than a draft.

The draft has been a joke for a while now. The WWE actually conducted a draft with the original show by having the general managers make the picks. I’m not sure they’ve used that concept since then. The WWE started conducting their draft like a swinger’s party. Everyone puts their keys in a bowl, you pull them out and one can get stuck with the hot or the fat wrinkly swinger. The WWE draft is the same way, everyone is in the pool, one of your brand members wins a match and then you could get stuck with the wrestler that’s the hot act or that’s probably going to get cut.

After making fun of Todd McShay in my Raw Blog, I felt like needed some dumb stats to lead off the review. I did a quick roster count. Minus announcers (I’m including Jerry Lawler as an announcer) and managers of which there is 11, you have 74 wrestlers. 30 of them got moved around plus one manager in Ranjin Singh who counted with Khali. 2 of the picks were “wasted” on John Cena so really only 28 people got moved around. 16 people went to Smackdown and 12 people went to Raw. There were 14 heels and 14 faces swapped. Let’s go to the basic list to start comparing them.

To Smackdown: Randy Orton (face), Mark Henry (Newly heel), Sin Cara (face), Daniel Bryan (face), The Great Khali & Ranjin Singh (face), Jimmy Uso (heel), Alicia Fox (heel), William Regal (heel), Yoshi Tatsu (face), Natalya (face), Jey Uso (heel), Ted DiBiase (heel), Tyson Kidd (heel), Tamina (face?), Alex Riley (heel), Sheamus (heel)

To Raw: Rey Mysterio (face), Big Show (face) Alberto Del Rio (heel), Jack Swagger (heel), Kelly Kelly (face), JTG (face), Drew McIntyre (heel), Curt Hawkins (heel), Chris Masters (face), Kofi Kingston (face), Tyler Reks (heel), Beth Phoenix (face)

Smackdown Analysis: No big surprise that Randy Orton was moved over to Smackdown. The program needed a number one face with Edge’s retirement. Orton had been hitting the glass ceiling around Raw anyway with John Cena. Give him top dog status. Which I find a little strange though because Christian is almost assuredly winning the World Heavyweight Title with Del Rio moving to Raw. There’s no chance of the WWE Title moving to Smackdown which makes me feel even stronger about that happening. Sheamus, Mark Henry and Wade Barrett will be the top three heels on the brand. One would have to think Sheamus will be dropping the United States Title at Extreme Rules since Barrett is the current Intercontinental Champion even though he doesn’t have a scheduled match yet. Sheamus is the only one of the three that can really get into the World Heavyweight Title picture the easiest. He could be the transition champion between Christian and Orton.

After those names, you head to what I said was “potential central”. Sin Cara (hot mess and moved to stay away from Rey), Daniel Bryan (He could beat Barrett to let him move up), Yoshi Tatsu (Was still over the last I watched Superstars despite limited chances), Ted DiBiase (needs to step it up more on the mic than in the ring but some there would help too), Tyson Kidd (Great ring work, in a bigger hole than DiBiase mic wise) and Alex Riley (It’ll be nice to not see him sucking on Miz’s teet). There are 3 faces and heels each so they can quarrel amongst themselves with some help for the faces from fellow draftee William Regal.

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SG Poll: Which WWE draft pick is the dumbest for Monday Night Raw?

As you know, we love to stay positive about things here at Stunt Granny, so in a vast departure from that overarching mantra, we want you to tell us which draft move was the dumbest “pick-up” for WWE Monday Night Raw. Any criteria is valid: They don’t look like they belong, they have no one natural with which to feud, they were in the middle of something on Smackdown, they were just on Raw last year floundering directionless, they were just fucking drafted to Smackdown two hours earlier… all ways are the way! Leave a comment and vote!

CM Punk reportedly considering leaving WWE, I reportedly cry

Yeah, well, we love Punk!!

According to the barely reputable PWInsider.com (but don’t tell them I said that, I don’t want a virus), CM Punk has not signed a new deal with WWE and has been considering leaving once his contract runs out. Reasons cited by the crack staff at PWInsider include burnout due to being on the road full-time for his entire contract besides rehabbing a hip (am I imagining things, or didn’t he take some other time off for an elbow, knee or shoulder?) as well as his perceived value to the WWE roster.

Perceived value. Um, right.

Maybe I’m imagining this one, too, but didn’t Vince McMahon force the writing staff to bend over backward coming up with a role for Punk while he was injured to keep him on TV? And wasn’t that role, approved by the boss, the heel color commentator on the highly rated flagship TV show, Monday Night Raw? Yeah, sounds like something WWE would do to someone they don’t value. The article says he isn’t considered one of the “top 5-8 guys that are promoted or pushed.” I understand how one might perceive things as such, but over his career, Punk has been the only two-time Money in the Bank winner, a three-time World Champion (main-eventer or otherwise), gets to cut promos at every imaginable opportunity, and has had two marquee singles matches at WrestleManias on years when he could have easily been lost in the MITB shuffle. Yes, The Miz has become a bit of a poster boy for WWE, but Punk gets to wear “I (Jew star) COLT” T-shirts on TV with zero reported reprimand, for crying out loud! Honestly, Punk, stick it out, for the kids. At worst, you’ll be treated like Rick Rude at the end of his run: a ex-title contender transitioning into feuds the writers put time into. At best, you’ll be the respected veteran you want to be. And at better than best, if you want it, you’ll be thanked with a lifetime contract, because WWE knows you’ll never croak on their watch thanks to your drug-drink-and-sex-free-other-than-the-sex-part straight-edge lifestyle. -Eric

Stone Cold Steve Austin Rickrolls our asses

Credit to user MattHarrak on the PWTorch.com VIP Forum: Stone Cold Steve Austin, who has truly adopted the Internet as a way to keep in touch with his huge fanbase, hopped in his time-traveling ATV, punched in a date near when he was filming “The Condemned,” and made a little video of himself lip-syncing “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley, the song famously used about 17 ba-million times on YouTube to “Rickroll” viewers. (Short definition, in case you’re younger than 5: “Rickrolling” is the act of making people think they’re seeing one type of video on YouTube, usually nudity, which isn’t allowed on that site, you idiots, and then splicing in Astley’s cheesy 1980s music video. Major laffos had everywhere.) Man, no wonder Austin’s been married three times, did you see those dance moves? That prick turned down “Dancing With the Stars” and cost us weeks of entertainment. I guess I’ll just watch that spin he does at the end over and over. -Eric

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

This image came up when I typed in "Oh shit". Who am I to argue?

I typed in “Oh shit” because the Penguins are going to a game seven on Wednesday. Time to do or go home. I can’t say I expected much out of them without Sidney Crosby & Geno Malkin but damn it, I want this first round. I’m almost debating driving there. As the Pensblog will undoubtedly say “Time to sac up.”

Well, actually time to draft up. We start with a battle royal. My buddy Sean as he’s going out the door says “That’s gay.” Couldn’t agree more. By the way, couldn’t be less excited about the NFL draft this weekend. This one doesn’t hold much weight for me either. People are getting eliminated left and right. Why did Mark Henry eliminate himself basically to eliminate Clay? The announcer draft factoids are more mundane than any stat Todd McShay can come up with. We hit a commercial.

Big Show & Kofi for SD take on Mason Ryan & Evan Bourne. This could help Bourne out if he survives. He’s been on a losing streak. Of course Bourne does the worst possible thing, jumping into Big Show’s arms. Mason Ryan loses in a valiant effort, I suppose. He lost a lot of momentum when he got punted. Stupidest draft ever. Cena to Smackdown. I like it. It was him or Orton. He has a history with the Smackdown brand. Cole acting upset is hilarious in a bad way.

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PWO – Season 4 – Episode 8

This review was on hold until Vancouver Canucks vs. Chicago Blackhawks ended in OT.

Joe Dombrowski says that the Sons of Michigan, Benjamin Boone & N8 Mattson, will take on the Homeless Handicapped Connection, Hobo Joe & Gregory Iron, for the PWO Tag Team Championships. Jason Gory is set to take on Corey Winters. Sex Appeal – Bobby Beverly, Bobby Shields and Nicki Valentino – open the card against The Ninja Elite Squad – Michael Facade, Louis Linden & Flip Kendrick. I think the camera man has a thing for cougars. He really zoomed in on a threesome on the prowl.

The match up started when The Ninja Elite Squad is playing to the crowd so Sex Appeal attacked them from behind. It was a six man party to start the bout off in and out of the ring.  Facade dropped to his back to avoid a clothesline then gave a Pele Kick from his back. Cool move. The match finally settled in with Louis Linden taking on Bobby Beverly. Linden made a come back against Shields but it was cut short when he missed a second rope moonsault. Beverly got tagged back in to continue the beat down on Linden. Kendrick got the hot tag. Flip Kendrick pretty much air balled on a pair of spring board back elbows. Sex Appeal did a Three Stooges act on the outside. They then got to be the recipients of spot monkeys. Facade got a two count from a Northern Lights Bridge Suplex. Facade black slid Beverly for the victory. Facade grabs the mic, things are a little quiet again. Facade said he earned a title shot in PWO and he’s choosing to take on Beverly for the TV Title.

Analysis: Logically, I’d say you go for the main title but since you just pinned said champion, I understand Facade’s line of thinking. Any belts a “pay raise”, right? I’m not a fan of the high spots by Aeroform aka Linden & Kendrick. They miss too often and slip on the ropes a lot. They come up with some cool looking stuff but it needs to be executed better. The match was really going well until the point of the high spots too. You just saw Beverly and one of the other guys waiting for Kendrick to come outside.

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Batista claims UFC-Strikeforce merger ended his MMA career (*cough*)

Nope, no red flags here.

According to Prowrestling.net, Dave Batista is claiming that his pending deal with MMA company Strikeforce fell through due to UFC’s purchase of the brand. According to my calendar, my lung doctor and my brittle friend who loves steroids and my friend who lives in reality, Batista’s MMA deal is falling through because he’s 42 years old, he’s an asthmatic with no otherwise obvious cardiovascular conditioning, years of (alleged) steroid use have made his muscles cracklier than oat bran, and he’s not worth the money to any MMA company that he’s been asking for. With Undertaker on his annual and ever-growing vacation, Triple H transitioning further into an office position, and Edge recently retiring due to injury, does this mean Batista would be welcome back with open arms? Maybe, but he’d get gassed running toward the embrace. Offer him 20 dates and a hot angle as The Rock’s muscle leading up to WrestleMania 28 and I bet he’d do it for an inhaler and a clean syringe. -Eric

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