Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of iMPACT Wrestling

Wrestling news has been slow for two weeks now.

For the last two weeks, there hasn’t been much news. God bless Eric who has squeezed blood out of two different stones this week alone. I mean, is Foley bragging about himself again really news? Eric skewers him well as he always does but seriously, that’s the big news of the last two weeks? OK, I almost feel like I’m doing a write up for an audio now. Since the news is slow and my moron buddy forgot to call me before coming over to watch the Bruins against Lightning, I’m headed to the hurt locker voluntarily and doing a review of iMPACT Wrestling, Will it be a new era? Not from what I read. Now I get to witness it.

I almost started without a Yuengling. Silly Kevin. My DVR was still set to record this show even with the name change. RVD has taken a serious tumble. Losing to Sting at this juncture is pathetic. I’m sure this is a new entrance montage but I don’t remember what the last one was like. Immortal saunters to the ring. The blue ring ropes makes me think Smackdown. The whole black, white and blue theme reminds me of Smackdown. You just needed to stay away from blue and red. Is it that hard? Go green. Go black. Go yellow for Hogan colors. Kendrick’s music is worse than Daniel Bryan’s. Kendrick isn’t odd enough to be delivering this message. Plus, the X Division being resurrected is like the US or IC Title meaning something again.Easy E’s arms look bigger than they used to. Mildly, Moderate Red is all you have Bischoff? TNA couldn’t have picked a more bland group to represent the X Division. Plus, it’s another large faction after Immortal & Fortune. Taz acting like Bischoff getting into the ring is a big deal is embarrassing. We end up with one big brawl. The Bucks and Red just about kill themselves to show that the X Division does suck.

Tenay acting like Sting was in his trademark gear was embarrassing too. You could tell by skin color it wasn’t Sting. Six woman tag match starts after the break. Anarquia is the hype man. Better choice than Hernandez. Miss Tessmacher making making up for a lack of wrestling by doing robot dancing. She still has the most fantastic heiney in wrestling. Madison Rayne over acting. Rosita takes the beating since Rayne is a coward.

Kazarian versus Abyss for the X Division title.  Taz bringing an astounding dumb line of logic to why there shouldn’t be an X Division. Taz continues to make no sense (Cole employs logic for Pete’s sake) during a mediocre match. Abyss fakes an injury to win a match that the announcers called him a favorite in. Taz said the internet is burning up because of the title change. Wow, he is terrible.

Samoa Joe squashes Amazing Red. Crimson makes the save. Crimson can’t figure out how to get his shirt off. Great example of how inept TNA is.

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Mick Foley Day, in the media and in his own mind

God, he just looks like he would smell to high heaven.

According to Prowrestling.net, Mick Foley told IGN that he still doesn’t know whether to call the company he works for “TNA” or “Impact Wrestling.”

I’m still having all those details explained to me too.

Also being explained to Foley today are directions to a barber.

Second Foley item of the day from Prowrestling.net: Mick Foley told Brian Fritz of Between the Ropes that… oh, oops, he still doesn’t know whether the brand to which he is now so loyal is now called “TNA” or “Impact Wrestling”… geez…

You know, I’m still wondering in a lot of ways.

Alright, I can rip on the guy all day and not break a Matt-Hardy-crossing-the-street sweat, but Mick Foley does know how to talk. If you’re Dixie Carter or Jeff Jarrett or Vince Russo, and you haven’t sent one of your most eloquent speakers out to the media without some bullet points, not the least of which being the name of your god damn company, you’re bigger, more oblivious dolts than we all thought. Need proof that Foley knows how to talk? From that same interview with Fritz, here’s Foley, discussing his favorite topic: himself:

And not just more wrestling, but hopefully better wrestling. I’m not taking a knock at any of the guys. I think, for example, when Ric Flair and I had the big match in October, it took people by surprise and they said, ‘Wow, that’s something we’d expect to see on a pay-per-view.’

What shouldn’t take anyone by surprise is current-day Mick Foley a) kissing Ric Flair’s ass and b) putting his own performance over as “better wrestling” in a “big match” that should have been on “pay-per-view.” What a crock. Foley’s better in-ring days, much like his Boyardee-spoiled ass, are behind him, and while few people have been able to tell a better story than Foley, a lot of those few don’t start every sentence with “I.”

Finally, courtesy of Prowrestling.net, Mick Foley was dubbed “Greatest Person of the Day” by HuffingtonPost.com for his commendable fundraising work with the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). HuffPo, as we dorks call it, noted that Foley has helped raise more than $140,000 for RAINN since April. Sources better known as Eric Nelson, though, noted Foley hasn’t showered since March. -Eric

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