Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of iMPACT Wrestling

Wrestling news has been slow for two weeks now.

For the last two weeks, there hasn’t been much news. God bless Eric who has squeezed blood out of two different stones this week alone. I mean, is Foley bragging about himself again really news? Eric skewers him well as he always does but seriously, that’s the big news of the last two weeks? OK, I almost feel like I’m doing a write up for an audio now. Since the news is slow and my moron buddy forgot to call me before coming over to watch the Bruins against Lightning, I’m headed to the hurt locker voluntarily and doing a review of iMPACT Wrestling, Will it be a new era? Not from what I read. Now I get to witness it.

I almost started without a Yuengling. Silly Kevin. My DVR was still set to record this show even with the name change. RVD has taken a serious tumble. Losing to Sting at this juncture is pathetic. I’m sure this is a new entrance montage but I don’t remember what the last one was like. Immortal saunters to the ring. The blue ring ropes makes me think Smackdown. The whole black, white and blue theme reminds me of Smackdown. You just needed to stay away from blue and red. Is it that hard? Go green. Go black. Go yellow for Hogan colors. Kendrick’s music is worse than Daniel Bryan’s. Kendrick isn’t odd enough to be delivering this message. Plus, the X Division being resurrected is like the US or IC Title meaning something again.Easy E’s arms look bigger than they used to. Mildly, Moderate Red is all you have Bischoff? TNA couldn’t have picked a more bland group to represent the X Division. Plus, it’s another large faction after Immortal & Fortune. Taz acting like Bischoff getting into the ring is a big deal is embarrassing. We end up with one big brawl. The Bucks and Red just about kill themselves to show that the X Division does suck.

Tenay acting like Sting was in his trademark gear was embarrassing too. You could tell by skin color it wasn’t Sting. Six woman tag match starts after the break. Anarquia is the hype man. Better choice than Hernandez. Miss Tessmacher making making up for a lack of wrestling by doing robot dancing. She still has the most fantastic heiney in wrestling. Madison Rayne over acting. Rosita takes the beating since Rayne is a coward.

Kazarian versus Abyss for the X Division title.  Taz bringing an astounding dumb line of logic to why there shouldn’t be an X Division. Taz continues to make no sense (Cole employs logic for Pete’s sake) during a mediocre match. Abyss fakes an injury to win a match that the announcers called him a favorite in. Taz said the internet is burning up because of the title change. Wow, he is terrible.

Samoa Joe squashes Amazing Red. Crimson makes the save. Crimson can’t figure out how to get his shirt off. Great example of how inept TNA is.

AJ Styles is in the ring with a neck brace. He needs to talk to Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer dressing nice is like putting lip stick on a pig. Dreamer attacks Styles and gets heel heat. The iMPACT crowd hasn’t been as split as normal.Daniels makes the save. Bully Ray makes the kill. Is Styles really hurt? I don’t read TNA news enough because I don’t care. Styles gets another pile driver. They cut to commercial when they should have stuck on Dreamer screaming like a loon. Just another 15 seconds would have done it.

Kurt Angle comes out to talk. After starting strong with wrestling after the opening segment, they go back to back talk. Winner of their umpteenth match gets to be the number one contender. This rivalry was so personal Jarrett had to use the MMA gimmick then the ex-wife gimmick. Jarrett wants the gold medal if he wins. Angle shakes as he easily should have. They try to make a big deal out of Karen using Kurt’s entrance. Velvet Sky gently tosses her into Jeff. The Bucks pretend like the crowd cares about their personal feud. They go to Bischoff talking to Hogan. He’s pretending like Hogan told him more information than he possibly could have in five seconds.

The Jarretts argued then we get the Bucks versus Hardy & Bischoff. Max Buck finally turns the match in their favor. Bischoff not in the ring is why Taz shouldn’t act like it’s a big deal he’s in the match. Near fall by Jeremy gets no response. Hardy has used a submission? Congrats for it looking crappy. Bischoff gets the cheap win. Big surprise. Winter pretends. I try to pretend I’m not watching this on purpose.

Velvet in a handicapped match with the past lovers. The crowd showing solidarity again by just rooting for Velvet. That’s been the most interesting part of the match so far. I don’t like that Impact Wrestling is on all of the turn buckles. Come up with something shorter. ODB attacks Velvet because whatever she wanted to do post wrestling didn’t work out. Big surprise.

Miss Tessmacher is complaining about a photo shoot. Aren’t you only supposed to be cranky after a loss? Eric Young gets his campy segment. What, Young won the TV Title last week? Oh, that’s right, I did skip it. Ric Flair calls out Robert Roode. I have no idea why Roode held off on hurting Flair. They’re on opposite teams. Fortune are a bunch of lazy fuckers for not coming.  The announcers do the first useful thing of the night by reminding me that Fortune was taken out earlier in the night.

Impact Wrestling ends with a talking segment. I was dumb enough to record the next show to listen to this garbage. Anderson dresses as old Sting. Tenay plays the dumb card. I get to play the sleep card. -Kevin

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