Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Impact Wrestling

Since I couldn't organzie our crew, I'm imposing self torture.

I started asking too late in the week who was busy what night. So my self torture involves reviewing Impact Wrestling. It’s this or watch the NBA Finals. I’ll check in on it but who cares. I’m an NHL guy. Ryan Kesler made a hell of a play to set up the game winner for the Canucks last night. I got to watch him at Ohio State and now he’s the best US born player in the NHL. Complete silliness that I need to wait until Saturday to watch another game.  In other positive news, Sidney Crosby was cleared for his summer work out. My Penguins will be back next season. On to the inevitable.

Bischoff starts off by telling a guy in a suit he doesn’t do autographs. I’m ready to poke my eyes out already. We blend right into a brawl between ODB, Velvet Sky & Lee South. Could they involve more useless behind the scenes people? ODB fails to break the table when she slams her on a table. I was fast forwarding but it was amusing to see Velvet Sky cover up while she wore a bikini. Dumb broad. Tessmacher is thrown into the skit for no reason. In the middle of previews, we get Mr. Anderson doing the Sting imitation. This company can not get enough of imitations. He’s taking on someone from Sting’s past. I can’t wait for the swerve. Kendrick asks for another match against Abyss. Bischoff tells him to fight Kazarian. For some reason Kendrick is involved. You don’t get a shot at the title whether you win or lose dummy.

More Bischoff from “during the break”  and in the ring. Roode doing the smart thing and not handing over the Tag Titles. Alex Shelley comes out to a luke warm welcome after a long abscence. Sabin torn his ACL & MCL so he’s out for a year. Shelley is teaming with Storm at the PPV. Yeah?

Crimson (not the PWO variety) takes on “Cold Blooded” Matt Hardy. I’m glad Hardy got rid of the braids but his look is exactly the same as in WWE. The pants are the same design he used for ages with different material. Why is Hardy calling for the Twist of Hate? That’s a face move. Sky High does it for Crimson. Hardy wrestled the same match he did in the WWE too. If they were holding you back, why aren’t you showing them what they missed out on? Joe gets speared when he tries to charge the ring.

Anderson and EY talk. Anderson mentions the Great Muta. EY gets to imitate the Great Muta. Another impersonation. They’re also trying to make Crimson the newest Bill Goldberg. Winter has an original storyline but it doesn’t make a lick of sense still. Angelina talks. Bischoff is now talking to Immortal. I’m tired of him.

Angelina gets the misfortune of trying to get a decent match out of Tessmacher. Angelina gets a fairly easy victory. Angelina assaults Tessmacher.

EY is in the mid-main event as the Great Muta against Anderson. Must be a real channel flipping grabber at the hour mark. (That’s sarcasm.) Anderson looks like he ceased going to the gym. He’s not hitting the buffet like Matt Hardy but he’s getting soft. I’m told not to under rate EY as a wrestler. He’s going to lose again so I will continue to rate him properly in my eyes. He wins with the green mist while Gunner distracted the ref. Gunner & Anderson double team him. Sting makes one of the slower saves then slowly chases Anderson. I don’t care if it’s a joke victory, the heel going for the TNA Title should not be losing to someone the caliber of EY.

Oh, Kazarian versus Kendrick is a number one contender’s match for the X Division Title. Just as I’m thinking Earl Hebner is the worst part o the match, they call it a draw. Bischoff screwed them so Abyss doesn’t need to wrestle, right? They restart the match only to have Abyss officially screwing up what had been a great match. Abyss said something.

AJ gets to confront Bully Ray. As expected, Bully Ray delivers but AJ blows on the mic. AJ asks for a Last Man Standing Match. Is TNA doing something right? They’re escalating a feud in terms of violence. Congratulations TNA.

Steiner & Jarrett vs Angle & Morgan. The match is just back ground for the Bischoff story. They’re talking about it so much, it’s got to be a swerve. As if Steiner’s tattoo couldn’t get any worse, he added a chain to it. He’s starting to loss some mass too. I love that Morgan busted out the “Chinese Door Bell”  aka Ear Boxing. Something happens with Angle being pushed into Karen by Jeff. Angle blames. He’s right. I love how she’s not moving like she’s dead.

Taz & Tenay went over the Karen stuff. Bsichoff gets the main event. Yep, you’re all about wrestling now. Bischoff gets to run down Foley. And the DVR cuts out when he’s ready to turn it over to Hulk hogan. That’s enough torture for one night. -Kevin

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