Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

I have the feeling we're not going to get all of the power.

It’s time for the weekly party that is Raw. I’m lucky enough to get back to back three hour reviews. Hey, it’ll probably only last as long as Impact Wrestling and Smackdown lasted combined. I’m starting around 9:23 PM so I’ll be live at some point. Let’s roll.

Punk opens the show. Got to love it. Ah crap, Booker is on this show too? It’s too much to ask to have separate teams I suppose. Punk said he’s number 1 contender because of his wins over Mysterio and Cena in the week. He kindly asks for a shot at the title in his home town for TLC (I’m a dope. MIB). Punk’s facial sell the GM’s decision not to make him No. 1 contender. Punk has to earn the spot against Alberto Del Rio. Rey gets to join the party. Oh goody, someone got to choose who Brie would defend her belt against.

They gave us a whole commercial break to vote. Kelly Kelly wins the vote by a land slide. I couldn’t believe Jason Powell didn’t know who Keith Stone was. He must have missed this past football, hockey and basketball seasons. These two aren’t going to bring back women’s wrestling. KK’s boobs are different colors and it’s distracting me. I mean her bikini top. She wins the Divas Title. King gets in the ring and interviews her. It stunk. Evan Bourne video package. My boy Dolph had one last week. Wonder if it’ll be a new trend to signal who they’re pushing. Two examples don’t prove a pattern. You have to wait for #3 before that emerges. We get to chose his opponent. Swagger, Ryan or Sin Cara. I hope Bourne can teach him how not to be sloppy and a high flyer.

The WWE selects Ryan for us. Lots of dancing by Bourne early. Has Mason Ryan stolen Batista’s trunks now? Bourne is at least showing Sin Cara how to sell. He’s a great flopper. Cole tells Lawler to defend the Universe’s choice. It’s easy, see my first statement.  World’s slowest small package. Urinogi by Ryan. Cole is rubbing it in to the WWE Universe. Is the berating of the WWEU stupider than the Capitol Punishment skits? It’s close. Kane vs. Henry in a gimmick match.

Raw Roulette next week. Raw is gimmick central! They try to sell Henry’s beating but he’s back already so how bad could it have been? Not sure why Henry doesn’t get more mic time. I like him more when he’s a heel in that department. They stretch this gimmick over another commercial break.

Arm wrestling match. Boring. Oh no, the dreaded chicken shit heel moment to stretch out this kind of moment. “This is stupid” chant. They know they’re not choosing already. Henry starts the pier six brawl.  Cole tries to sell Henry’s beating again. He’s beating up Kane, you can’t fucking sell it! I guess they’re serious about rebuilding Henry. They need him on SD.

R Truth recap. Oh, saw this during the commercial break but Cena at WM reminded me, that set looks better on TV than it did live. I thought it looked cheap. It looks like a couple of million dollars on TV. Truth has no music. Can we choose what dumb object Truth will slam against someone’s head. Christian comes out to sympathize. Truth still acts crazy. Awesome. Miz joins the fun. Miz says he’s the only one with a legit gripe. A little too campy for me to have all of them out here at one time. Teddy Long saves us. Long’s suit is ridiculously awesome. I could not pull that off.  Six man match comes from the camp. If the voting isn’t for banning Vickie, we know the voting is 100% rigged.

My boy is introduced by Vickie. 2 out of 3 falls match. I kind of like the neon inspired trunks of Ziggler. They just need to find a design rather than words. I have no idea what is going on with Kofi his tights. Spiders and funky shades of colors.

The first fall was during the commercial break. Stunningly bad work. I wish more of these matches ended in two falls. Booker complimenting Vickie. Dolph only gets a two after the Rocker Dropper. What a shock, S.O.S. for a Kofi victory. The crowd is mild to Kofi at best. I’m sure Jeremy will be happy I said that. Dolph gets his fingers on the rope. Ziggler tries to leave, Kofi stops him, Ziggler blasts him with the mic. Looks like the feud is continuing.

HBK on Raw next week. Man, they are begging for ratings. We get another destiny speech (from Alberto Del Rio). A little too one note for me.

Falls count anywhere match. Del Rio & Rey have metallic silver in their trunks and Punk is wearing a flat version of it. Punk only gets two out of a power bomb off the apron.

Del Rio takes control on Punk, working over his left arm. Fun quick fire match. Del Rio takes himself out of the match ramming himself into the post. Rey still has some moves. Punk pins a beaten Del Rio by way of a 619 & a splash. Fitting end and I never thought it wouldn’t stay as Punk. Del Rio is still feuding with Show. Punk declares he will win at MIB against Cena. Punk says his contract ends at MIB. He said he is leaving. Then added that he’s leaving with the WWE Championship. Interesting storyline. Punk could sell me on a Paper Bag Match even if the announcers can’t.

Rhodes Vs. Bryan in, drum roll please for the dumb stipulation. No count out match. This match won’t last long enough for that to matter. Bryan showing Rhodes how to look vicious and be under two bills. Bryan gets an uninspired small package win. He goes crazy and gets the LeBell Lock. Where’s Sin Cara? Cody still looking like a puss even with a bloodied mouth. Evidently Bryan should be insulted for having a paper bag put on his head while he’s out cold. Ugh.

A dance competition for Vickie against someone. She is looking good these days. I’m not sure why Striker keeps dressing like a hip, educated skate boarder. Cole dances. How am I not using FF? Yep, much better use of my time than Zach Ryder. Everyone do me a favor, stop watching. Just read and listen to sites. They don’t deserve the ratings.

6 Man Elimination match after the break. Good thing I FF through the intros.

Riley better be the first eliminated. Orton selling more than I expected. Riley gets to beat down Christian for a hot minute but does the job first. Commercial!

Truth telling Miz to attack Oron was great. Cena gets to destroy Miz because he’s low heel on the totem pole right now. Miz gets some offense first. Glad I taped the next show. Truth might be low man on the totem pole. This match is dragging out longer than I expected. OK, I was right, Miz is low man. Christian air balls on a splash. Orton finally gets the hot tag. He pinned Truth then got eliminated by Christian. RKO on Christian then an STF for the win. Protected everyone and right before my DVR cut out. And nothing happened on the other show than a victory lap for Cena & Orton. Whoopy. -Kevin

Morning After: Jeremy posted it last night on our Twitter account (@Stuntgranny) “July 18, 2011. One more reason to give up on WWE. -J” He was referring to CM Punk being done with the WWE after the Money In The Bank pay per view. I’ll believe it when I don’t see him on my TV but his Twitter (@CMPunk) is not positive “I knew I was gone at the beginning of the year. I just woke up one day and I knew. That’s the way I work a lot of the time.”, “I think it’s creepy too, but it’s really helpful. I knew I’d be history by July. Come say goodbye on July 17th.” and”Come say goodbye on July 17th. I promise to go out with a bang. Trust me. XxX”

In this space, I urged people to stop watching because we got a dance off between Vickie and one of the announcers was one of our choices instead of getting Zach Ryder on TV. Punk leaving will make it that much harder. No one has stepped up and the WWE hasn’t put anyone in the position to carry things. If the WWE is going to force Mason Ryan on us, why did he beat the popular Bourne? If you dislike Ryder so much for making himself, put him in the spot to be squashed instead of a rising star.

It’s a pathetic statement to make but Raw is the best wrestling show on TV right now and neither of us wants to watch it. The funeral isn’t official until July 18th, but it’s awfully close. -Kevin

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