Son of a bitch, Jeff Katz steals Shawn Daivari from me for Wrestling Revolution project

*sniff sniff* "Smells like money over here."

You cut right to the heart of me, Jeff Katz: According to Prowrestling.net, Katz announced that the eighth cast member of his Wrestling Revolution project is Shawn Daivari.

We couldn’t be more proud to showcase the completely terrorist and sheik-free talents of Dara “Shawn” Daivari in the WRESTLING REVOLUTION PROJECT.

I didn’t win the lottery fast enough: Katz has nabbed some serious free-agent talent for this project, including Colt “Your Stuff is in the Mail, Jeff Brown” Cabana, Kenny Omega and Ken Doane (as well as former WWE superstar MVP). If he’s able to pull the Human Tornado out of retirement and convince Mike Quackenbush to work for him along with running Chikara, I’ll eat my hat and urinate on my fantasy booking notebook. (P.S. Would I have made Daivari into a stereotypical sheik character? Of course! The Sheik of Freakish, Sudden Musculature. License to print money.) -Eric

Matt Hardy Sucks On Youtube and Twitter

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, look at me. Look at me. Pay attention to me.

Matt Hardy pulled a fast one on everyone with his “Suicide” video last night. Even though it isn’t really a suicide video since he never mentioned the words death, suicide, kill, heaven or hell. See that was easy. Hardy took to Twitter and defended himself and Prowrestling.net has the complete rundown. But wait, there’s more, and I don’t mean Chocodiles.

The only words that can convey what this means to me is very simple. Fuck you. Fuck you. No really, fuck you. I have had it with having to cover this caramel and nougat filled retard.  He’s an attention whore who clearly has issues with futility. He isn’t as popular as his brother. He doesn’t have the charisma of his brother. He never had a gimmick like his friends Shane “Hurricane” Helms and his ex-girlfriend made him a public cuckold. This may not cover it all but you get the gist. Covering Matt Hardy was amusing at first because of this lazy eyed jackass and his obsessive style of extreme close ups on his face followed by slurred word delivery.

If you wonder why this makes me so upset its because we are giving him exactly what he wants. Attention. His “me, me, me” bullshit works. You know why this got posted and riled me up in the process; because Eric guilted me to post this.

Eric:  “need to get that posted”

Well do it yourself next time fucko. This is a waste of my time. This hillbilly queef just wasted seven minutes and thirty-five seconds of my time.

You know what you can do in seven minutes and thirty-five seconds? Well, I could have listened  two songs. Read all of the news PWTorch.com broke for the last month. A decent jerk and clean session. Read Kevin’s Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Reviews.

Any of that is more enjoyable than reporting, yet again, on Matt Hardy. Fuck you.  -Jeremy

ERIC EDIT: A) You’re welcome. B) Here are some fun YouTube comments, the section of the Internet where the dregs of the world go to convene:

Starting from now….after this cheeseburger….at this very consumption of this piece cake….and after this chocolate milkshake…..starting from this large pizza….will be the Genesis…of MATTHEW.

GO FUCK YOURSELF MATT HARDY

I am Matt Hardy and I will never stop eating grapes, getting drunk, taking drugs, being an attention whore and getting fat.

For all we know, this “metamorphosis” probably means that he put on a few pounds and got a different stupid haircut and now calls himself THE METAMORPHOICAL DIABOANGEL or something.

your the biggest fagg of life

Looks like Stunt Granny has competition in the wordsmithing department! -Eric

Matt Hardy (or Matthew, or Matt Brand, or V1, who cares) leaves YouTube suicide note

In an effort to disprove the six-year-old theory that “Matt Hardy will not die,” Matt Hardy posted what appears to be a suicide note on YouTube. It reads:

Dear Hostess: How dare you discontinue Chocodiles…

Oh, no, wrong one. Here it is:

Goodbye, World… My time here is Almost complete… I only have a few hours & minutes… I loved you all… Regardless of how you felt about me… I’ll miss you all… September 23, 1974 – August 31, 2011.

Well, it just goes to show you that bullying works, and if you make fun of someone long enough, they’ll go away.

Wait, what? “Suicide” means he’s gonna kill himself?! Oh… hold on…

Hey, Bob Holly, nice bald spot, ya prick. -Eric

DUSTY EDIT: But wait, there’s more!

Jeff Hardy’s Wife Pissed Over Matt Hardy Hoax

Last Updated on Tuesday, 30 August 2011 11:50 Written by Ryan Clark Tuesday, 30 August 2011 11:50

An apparent suicide note Matt Hardy released this evening via YouTube has been confirmed as a hoax.

Jeff Hardy’s wife, Beth Britt, is steamed with Matt’s latest attempt ‘to work the Internet’ as police showed up to her North Carolina residence this evening on a suicide call.

She angrily wrote on her Twitter account, “When the cops show up to our house at 11 pm, for a “suicide call” the fucking joke is over @MATTHARDYBRAND. Stop trying to work the Internet.”

A fan wrote to Britt, “Who the hell calls 911 and sends them to the wrong f’n house?” She responded, “Apparently someone that believed the stupid video.”

She then wrote, “I guess you got what you wanted @MATTHARDYBRAND. Everyone is talking about you, again. But it’s not in a good way.”

Apparently Hardy feels suicide is a joking matter. Again, we appreciate all your concerns and calls regarding the video and tweets. Something like that needs to be taken seriously. It’s better to at least check and be safe rather than have it be to late.

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Super Smackdown Live

Smackdown is super, thanks for asking.

I could have passed up doing this easily since I know Jeremy and I are recording tomorrow. We’ll be talking about Raw and Smackdown. Oh well, no one posted anything today so I’m going to take a swing at Super Smackdown Live. John Cena comes out and does the “jokes.” Rodriguez gets to do lackey duties for a change. RR gets to take a lackey’s punch too. Barrett delivers a good promo which makes Cena go serious and deliver himself.

I’m really confused by the corner splash Cena is doing now. The guy is a tank but he’s not big enough to make that look worth while. I expected Barrett to lose but wow, he lost pretty handily. Cena did not extract revenge with that win though. Douche bag Striker gets to ask Henry dumb questions. Henry even calls him out for their stupidity. Henry knows how to deliver on the mic.

Sin Cara takes on Daniel Bryan. Weird. Are they going to stick with this version of Sin Cara when the other one gets over the violation? I mean, this guy is way better even if the twisting cross body block was telegraphed. OK, so Bryan loses again clean. I guess he’s got the losing streak gimmick. I just don’t understand. Sin Cara goes heel. They need more of them. People didn’t freak out though. I mean, Bryan is on a losing streak and he’s constantly called a chump, why should people care if he gets beat up? Have Bryan win and Sin Cara turns on Bryan after he shakes his hand. That’d definitely get the sore loser boo. Evan Bourne stinks the joint up. Kofi talks up the tag team division. I keep thinking they’re going to stop but they have been consistent with this tandem. Sheamus at B.A. Star. Hilarious.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

It's almost football season and I was just at an alumni meeting.

I just got done hanging out at the Central Ohio Kent State Alumni group. The chapter has been pretty quiet evidently but it needs a kick in the butt. Well, I’ll do my part. Good group of people and I was the second longest person living in the fine city of Columbus. The other guy graduated in the sixties so he almost doesn’t count. Good guy though. I didn’t ask about wrestling but no one from me was probably thinking about it. I’ve got no Twitter feed to look at because I’m starting at 10:30 PM EST. Let me remind everyone, because I almost forgot myself, that Raw is emanating from Columbus OH on Labor Day. I didn’t even realize I had Monday off until Jeremy said something to me on IM during the day. So, the point isn’t that I’m a dumb ass, that is assumed. The point is that I will be tweeting from Raw next week so follow us (@Stuntgranny) because we’re almost to triple digits and we’ll really love you if you follow us. Let’s do it.

HH intro. Speed watching mode. I’m skipping intro walks to the ring to save time. I hate doing it because you do miss some context but it’s late already and I’ll probably just rip on Michael Cole more. HHH yaps then calls out Kevin Nash. We get CM Punk instead. Punk barely says anything before Nash hits the ring. People love chanting “What?” at Nash more than most people, in my estimation. John Laurinitis signed Nash. He actually solved the problem. Punk’s puking routine has me laughing but the crowd is pretty “Whatever” for it. Punk is being brutal. What a dick. HHH did not need the barely audible “Suck it” chant. They jam Randy Orton into the opening segment for extra hype.

The WWE did a decent hype job on KSU Alum “Dolph Ziggler”. They do like featuring him in wrestling matches but he’s had little in the push department. Oh, just in case they’re reading, the sippy time beer of choice at the KSU alumni meeting was Great Lakes Eliot Ness, a Amber Lager. Their best beer in this man’s opinion. Oh, commercial break.

By the way, Dolph is in another commercial break level match. He’s had them with Rey, John Cena and numerous other wrestlers. Shit or get off the pot with my man. That’s all I’m asking. New move from Orton (back breaker on the shoulder) leads to another two count. Seriously, why has he had this many close calls? And a near fall for Ziggler. Dolph down and out locks in a sleeper but gets reversed in an RKO. I know I’m a homer, but who can tell me that wasn’t a good match? Why isn’t Dolph pushed more? Josh talks at Cena before a commercial.

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The Rock loves Twitter, discusses return and his golden touch on pro wrestling

Without a 5 o'clock shadow of a doubt, the absolute, all-time best stubble humanity has ever produced!

According to Prowrestling.net, the Rock has been blowing up Twitter again, this time talking about how he (and that John Cena guy) could elevate pro wrestling to heights which it has never seen or something along those grandiose lines. Here, read for yourself:

“A few years ago when Cena – inexplicably – started talking trash publicly, I knew then I could turn this into a massive main event,” Rock wrote. “One that could elevate the WWE to unprecedented heights.

“The timing had to be right though. WrestleMania 27: for me and the fans – the time was right. The build to WrestleMania 28 will be like nothing the world has ever seen before. The match itself will be historic. I didn’t come back to WWE to become champion again.

“I came back for these reasons: entertain the fans like no one else can. Elevate WWE to new heights never seen before Challenge and mentor some younger talent. Give the millions what they want which is to kick John Cena’s f’n ass.”

In response to being asked if he regrets saying he’d never leave, and then leaving, he Tweeted:

“I never meant to mislead of confuse the fans and I apologize if I did. The overall goal was to make (a) huge impact and elevate WrestleMania. Shoot my movie commitments, then return as soon as I wrap the film and help elevate the WWE and the overall business of professional wrestling. Survivor Series, Mania, etc.”

First, Rock, hey, listen, hey: Twitter gave us 140 characters at a time for a reason, OK? Simmer down. Second, I’m not one of those people who has even formed an opinion of the Rock coming and going from WWE. I don’t care, and I don’t care if he says WWE is home and then he’s never on TV. Whatever, it’s all about the story, and so far the story is being told gradually, and that’s important. WWE is finally showing restraint leading up to its biggest show of the year, so they can’t burn through the Rock’s special appearances or this main event would have happened at Capitol Punishment.

The thing that bothers me is how Rock is teetering on Mick Foley territory. “I’m gonna do this, and I’m gonna do that,” only in the third person. Yes, the character of “The Rock” has always been a self-assured/egotistical alpha male. But hyperbole is hyperbole, blathering bullshit is blathering bullshit, and things like “historic” matches with freakin’ John Cena and taking advance credit for making WrestleMania 28 “like nothing the world has ever seen before” just doesn’t hit the right note with me. It sounded awesome in promos to 18-year-old son-of-a-bitch Eric. Now, after years of living in the real world and not my parents’ basement, I couldn’t give two shits with three assholes if the Rock promises the best wrestling event since Abraham Lincoln pinned Jesus H. Christ in two straight falls. And I’m a four-year WrestleMania ticket buyer, so yes, I am the target audience here. Again, WWE has been taking the slow-burn approach with this angle, but in my humblest of opinions, they’ll need to kick some serious storytelling ass to get me interested in Jorts-Wearin’ Shoulderblockin’ Hell-Unleashin’ John Cena vs. Nothing Like You’ve Ever Seen Before Just Like All the Rest of ‘Em Johnson. -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 8/27/11

1. Matt Hardy – Pointing out that he has made yet another mistake is just getting old.  Can he please do something that proves us wrong? Crashing your Corvette in to a tree isn’t going to do it. – Jeremy

2. Ken Doane – There has been a Ken Doane sighting, friends. He was announced as another member of The Wrestling Revolution Project. You may remember him, with a groan, as Kenny Dykstra. He should be on par with Dolph Ziggler or The Miz by now but oh well. – Jeremy

3. Todd Grisham – So he was wished a fond farewell by William Regal on NXT. Is this a joke? Grisham is going to ESPN? This has to mean he is covering soccer for the network right? Not sure I can take him seriously as an anchor on Sportscenter. Then again anyone doing Sportscenter is hard to take seriously. – Jeremy

4. Colt Cabana – Colt joins the aforementioned Ken Doane as a) a member of the new Wrestling Revolution project and b) another guy I was going to hire for my wrestling company as soon as I won the lottery. Dammit.– Eric

5. Ric Flair – Man, he got skewered by Grantland.com (and honestly so). The thing is, Flair would probably remove the skewer and try to use it as collateral.– Eric

6. Dr Pepper 10 – Sorry, with Matt Hardy dominating the news, there are very few wrestling-related things to talk about. So I’ll just promote the cool, refreshing taste of Dr Pepper 10; even with only 10 calories, it tastes just as much like regular Dr Pepper as Diet Dr Pepper. *kschkschchhh* *gulp* Ahhhhhhh… – Eric

7. CM Punk vs. Kevin Nash vs. HHH vs. John Laurinitis – Still plenty of speculation going on in this little storyline. I’m digging it. Good old Johnny is the main text sending suspect in my book but I’ll let it play out. It helps that Punk is still killing it on the mic. Bigfoot could give Pipe Bomb plenty of TV time, even more than a championship reign could bring. – Kevin

8. North Carolina Indy Wrestler – Sure, I might be piling on with Matt Hardy news but this dude needs to stop being a chickenshit. NCIW obviously enjoys being invited to the annual Hardy Holiday Party and partaking in the booze and the pills, so to not get himself uninvited he goes anonymous with his letter. Be a man, step up and say who you are. If you know Matt’s friends are enablers, why do you want to go to the parties anyway? – Kevin

9. Rey Mysterio – He’s gone for a while, kids. ACL surgery is going to put him on the shelf for at least six months. Heal up and come back for one last go around before your knees are completely shot. – Kevin

10. Ivory – There is a small island in the Pacific Northwest with a population of around 8,000. One of those 8,000 people is former WWE diva Ivory. Every year at the county fair they have what is called “Trashion Fashion,” which is where people use recycled materials to make costumes. This year, Ivory entered the contest. Her costume? Using discarded pet hair to make a poodle costume. You can watch video of this here (http://www.pnwlocalnews.com/sanjuans/jsj/entertainment/128023363.html). So if you’ve never met a furry, now you can say that you have. – Dusty

11. Hulk Hogan – He apparently still hates Vince Russo after all these years:

Apparently at the last PPV, when Hogan found out what the finish was for Sting vs. Angle, he blew his stack and cut a promo on Russo saying that he didn’t know anything about wrestling because he was never a wrestler. As if you were a wrestler it makes you immune from not getting how to book wrestling . And if you weren’t, it immediately drains your IQ to where you think the only guy in wrestling who makes sense and knows what they’re talking about is Ultimate Warrior. Well, given that most who watched the show had the same reaction as Hogan, groaning over the finish, it has nothing to do with being a wrestler. But at TV, they were back to at least giving the idea whatever heat was gone.

I hope you can get past just how awful Dave’s writing was there. In any event, as someone on a message board pointed out about this, I wonder what Hulk thinks of Eric Bischoff and Dixie Carter. Also, you’d think he could use his stroke to push Russo out of the company. It’s almost like he’s full of shit or something. But… that… can’t… be… – Dusty

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