Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

It's almost football season and I was just at an alumni meeting.

I just got done hanging out at the Central Ohio Kent State Alumni group. The chapter has been pretty quiet evidently but it needs a kick in the butt. Well, I’ll do my part. Good group of people and I was the second longest person living in the fine city of Columbus. The other guy graduated in the sixties so he almost doesn’t count. Good guy though. I didn’t ask about wrestling but no one from me was probably thinking about it. I’ve got no Twitter feed to look at because I’m starting at 10:30 PM EST. Let me remind everyone, because I almost forgot myself, that Raw is emanating from Columbus OH on Labor Day. I didn’t even realize I had Monday off until Jeremy said something to me on IM during the day. So, the point isn’t that I’m a dumb ass, that is assumed. The point is that I will be tweeting from Raw next week so follow us (@Stuntgranny) because we’re almost to triple digits and we’ll really love you if you follow us. Let’s do it.

HH intro. Speed watching mode. I’m skipping intro walks to the ring to save time. I hate doing it because you do miss some context but it’s late already and I’ll probably just rip on Michael Cole more. HHH yaps then calls out Kevin Nash. We get CM Punk instead. Punk barely says anything before Nash hits the ring. People love chanting “What?” at Nash more than most people, in my estimation. John Laurinitis signed Nash. He actually solved the problem. Punk’s puking routine has me laughing but the crowd is pretty “Whatever” for it. Punk is being brutal. What a dick. HHH did not need the barely audible “Suck it” chant. They jam Randy Orton into the opening segment for extra hype.

The WWE did a decent hype job on KSU Alum “Dolph Ziggler”. They do like featuring him in wrestling matches but he’s had little in the push department. Oh, just in case they’re reading, the sippy time beer of choice at the KSU alumni meeting was Great Lakes Eliot Ness, a Amber Lager. Their best beer in this man’s opinion. Oh, commercial break.

By the way, Dolph is in another commercial break level match. He’s had them with Rey, John Cena and numerous other wrestlers. Shit or get off the pot with my man. That’s all I’m asking. New move from Orton (back breaker on the shoulder) leads to another two count. Seriously, why has he had this many close calls? And a near fall for Ziggler. Dolph down and out locks in a sleeper but gets reversed in an RKO. I know I’m a homer, but who can tell me that wasn’t a good match? Why isn’t Dolph pushed more? Josh talks at Cena before a commercial.

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The Rock loves Twitter, discusses return and his golden touch on pro wrestling

Without a 5 o'clock shadow of a doubt, the absolute, all-time best stubble humanity has ever produced!

According to Prowrestling.net, the Rock has been blowing up Twitter again, this time talking about how he (and that John Cena guy) could elevate pro wrestling to heights which it has never seen or something along those grandiose lines. Here, read for yourself:

“A few years ago when Cena – inexplicably – started talking trash publicly, I knew then I could turn this into a massive main event,” Rock wrote. “One that could elevate the WWE to unprecedented heights.

“The timing had to be right though. WrestleMania 27: for me and the fans – the time was right. The build to WrestleMania 28 will be like nothing the world has ever seen before. The match itself will be historic. I didn’t come back to WWE to become champion again.

“I came back for these reasons: entertain the fans like no one else can. Elevate WWE to new heights never seen before Challenge and mentor some younger talent. Give the millions what they want which is to kick John Cena’s f’n ass.”

In response to being asked if he regrets saying he’d never leave, and then leaving, he Tweeted:

“I never meant to mislead of confuse the fans and I apologize if I did. The overall goal was to make (a) huge impact and elevate WrestleMania. Shoot my movie commitments, then return as soon as I wrap the film and help elevate the WWE and the overall business of professional wrestling. Survivor Series, Mania, etc.”

First, Rock, hey, listen, hey: Twitter gave us 140 characters at a time for a reason, OK? Simmer down. Second, I’m not one of those people who has even formed an opinion of the Rock coming and going from WWE. I don’t care, and I don’t care if he says WWE is home and then he’s never on TV. Whatever, it’s all about the story, and so far the story is being told gradually, and that’s important. WWE is finally showing restraint leading up to its biggest show of the year, so they can’t burn through the Rock’s special appearances or this main event would have happened at Capitol Punishment.

The thing that bothers me is how Rock is teetering on Mick Foley territory. “I’m gonna do this, and I’m gonna do that,” only in the third person. Yes, the character of “The Rock” has always been a self-assured/egotistical alpha male. But hyperbole is hyperbole, blathering bullshit is blathering bullshit, and things like “historic” matches with freakin’ John Cena and taking advance credit for making WrestleMania 28 “like nothing the world has ever seen before” just doesn’t hit the right note with me. It sounded awesome in promos to 18-year-old son-of-a-bitch Eric. Now, after years of living in the real world and not my parents’ basement, I couldn’t give two shits with three assholes if the Rock promises the best wrestling event since Abraham Lincoln pinned Jesus H. Christ in two straight falls. And I’m a four-year WrestleMania ticket buyer, so yes, I am the target audience here. Again, WWE has been taking the slow-burn approach with this angle, but in my humblest of opinions, they’ll need to kick some serious storytelling ass to get me interested in Jorts-Wearin’ Shoulderblockin’ Hell-Unleashin’ John Cena vs. Nothing Like You’ve Ever Seen Before Just Like All the Rest of ‘Em Johnson. -Eric

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