Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Smackdown

There are no posts on this barn, much like our site.

One of the reason I have started doing more reviews is because sometimes we run into the problem of not having enough stories every week. We try to pattern our site partially off of What Would Tyler Durden Do? you need news in the headlines to be able to goof on wrestlers bad decisions. We end up without posts and no idea what to put into the Big 11 when the news cycle is silent. I mean, Jeremy had to post about Jimmy Uso driving tanked out of his mind. That’s kind of desperate. So here I am. Ready to do a Smackdown review so we get another post up. Let’s roll.

Booker T gets Jim Ross’s job and introduces Mark Henry for an interview. Henry going to surly is awesome. He turned both interviewer’s words against them. The close up shots of Henry are great. Look at that the size of that boy’s heed! Well that’s a huge noggin. That’s a virtual planetoid! Henry killing it right now. The Great Khali gets to officially lose on Smackdown. Having Khali get in some offense will only help Henry’s credibility when he wins. No one has taken a beating like this from Khali. Mike Chioda back from his 30 day suspension. Nice seeing you Mike.

Mahal gets to yell at Khali is being carted to the hospital. I FF thru the announcer babble then the ring introductions. Evan Bourne takes on Jack Swagger. I just yawned as Cole started talking about the law suit. Booker brings us back into the match. Ziggler interferes but it doesn’t help. Vickie’s interference does work. Swagger clamps on the Ankle Lock for the victory. More from the announcers so that they can explain the Sin Cara situation. I should yawn now too. Sin Cara squared is booked for HIAC.

The Mistico variety of Sin Cara wrestles everyone’s favorite hill billy, Heath Slater. Wow, Slater is a bigger jobber than I thought. Since Sin Cara did most of his promo in Spanish, he called out Mistico but no one really paid attention and the announcers didn’t stress it well enough. Cole acting confused threw it off. No reason for that. Help the fans.

Video package time then a round table of sue happy people. Johnny Wooden Teeth gets to bore us. Then David Otunga. He tells them to calm down after they barely agree to Monday. What garbage.

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Jimmy Uso joins the DUI Arrest Federation

Another week means yet another professional wrestler got pulled over for DUI or DWI. This week’s story takes us to WWE land and we find that Jimmy Uso was arrested for driving under the influence. According to Action News out of Tampa Florida, he was pulled over while driving down the wrong side of the road. His blood alcohol level came in at an impressive .180 which is above the legal limit of .08.

You know what this means? Yep, his push is effectively over. Credit needs to go to WWE for seeing this coming though as The Usos push has been over for about a year. How’s that for foresight?

This is the part of any post where we refer to the legal troubles of Kurt Angle since he seems to be the current DUI champion. So we’ll go straight to the source of all joke Angle and get a quote from Eric shall we.
Eric says:

Um, she hasn’t given me permission to contribute right now.

Ok, well thanks Eric. Don’t let that stop you from checking back folks for more updates on Jimmy Uso’s arrest.

Damn today is a slow news day. -Jeremy

Stunt Granny Audio #158

Eric & Jeremy bring on another Asshole Edition of the Stunt Granny Audio. You won’t believe who they make fun of the whole show to prove that they are indeed assholes. Speaking of that orifice, they start the show off talking about Mr. Anderson and the rest of TNA. What did Kevin say TNA did right this past week? Did Eric & Jeremy agree with him? What did they think happened right this week? Is Bobby Roode getting the proper build up for his title shot? Is James Storm still outshining Roode? And just how funny was Kurt Angle talking to Jeff Hardy? Eric & Jeremy eventually move on to Raw talk. Was it a good idea to have Alberto Del Rio on the head sets along with CM Punk? Are the Super Shows helping or hurting people? Is it a two way street between the shows? Is Jeremy caving on his long term faith in the WWE’s writing skills with the recent posting of the video footage on WWE.com of the Miz & R Truth? Find out that and Eric’s Twitter address by clicking on the link below!Stunt Granny Audio Show #158

Amy Smart is in John Cena’s new movie “The Reunion”

John Cena has another movie coming out called The Reunion and no it is not porn. It is a family tale for forgiveness and all that garbage. The poster lists the stars as John Cena, Ethan Embry and Amy Smart. Wait, what? Amy Smart? Amy Smart from Crank, Just Friends, Crank 2, Mirrors, Road Trip and countless other films?

This is a little confusing though.  The Reunion doesn’t appear on IMDB anywhere. But if you look up Blood Brothers, you find the exact same movie sans Amy Smart in the cast list. So after a little digging and found that she is indeed in the movie. Now you may ask yourself why it matters if Amy Smart is in this flick and the answer is simple.

Amy Smart is incredibly hot.

She is the only reason to watch this eventual piece of shit, which is set to be released October 21. As opposed to me, who is set to release every time I see Amy Smart. So if you haven’t figured it out yet, the entire idea for this post is to get a picture of Amy Smart on our site.

And here it is. Good Day. -Jeremy

Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

Sometimes, nature has a plan of it's own.

I wanted to start on time tonight but a number of things held me up. Not leaving the office until 7:00 PM was one of them. Having to do grocery shopping after that didn’t help. Tomorrow won’t allow me a chance to do that since I’m going to see Amy Schumer, who is a riot. If I find her clip from the Charlie Sheen Roast, I’ll post it. I just don’t feel like searching for it right now. Plus it’d seem out of place this early in the post. The above actions caused the most recent delay. Thank goodness I don’t need to use some silly Japanese toilet. I will mention for those people who follow my Pro Wrestling Ohio reporting, they had their season premiere last night. I didn’t watch it because I was too busy watching a way too close game between the Steelers and Colts. Unless something happens with both lines, the Steelers won’t last as long as I thought they would. Back to PWO, I’ll try to post that review later this week. For now, it’s Raw time. Let’s roll.

Booker looks as giddy as a school girl. Lots of hype to start the show. I feel like music hits now to begin the proceedings not announcing the main event. Trips starts us off. I didn’t see that bit by the Miz & R Truth on WWE.com. Good promo. The music for the apology is ridiculous. Trips fines Mark Henry. Vickie interrupts as HHH is giving a mission statement about doing what is right for the company. Ziggler doing the heavy lifting on the mic again. Rhodes joins the party. Trips keeps offering good advice. Ah, Christian gets to be the last one at the party. I hope. Lawsuit talk. Thanks for boring us to death. Christian gets 3 matches, Ziggler defends against Zach Ryder. Rhodes insults HHH then gets a 10 man battle royal. Weird. That isn’t punishment to me. Who loses their title that way? Even that worthless I.C. Title.

Drew gets ganged up on. No surprise that Rhodes flees to the outside. Both Sin Caras get tossed. Sheamus and Zeke take out a pair each then go toe to toe. Rhodes gets to “toss” Zeke so he can look impressive. Sheamus is distracted by Christian so that Rhodes can retain. Christian attacks him to aid his heel bona fides.

Cole runs down JR then King. Otunga has a bow tie & a button down. Johnny Wooden Voice is still on TV. What a woofer and then fluff on Kelly Kelly. I’m glad I grabbed a beer already. Then a commercial break. Are you trying to get us to check on the game?

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Stunt Granny Big 11, Week Ending 9/24/11

1. The Rock and John Cena – Between Rock’s Tweets and WWE.com’s news, word has leaked that the Rock and John Cena, in the midst of their blood feud, will be on the same team in a 5-on-5 elimination match at Survivor Series. Fantasy booking: Rock wants to “prove his leadership” (but really wants to make an ass out of Cena) and drafts team members Santino Marella, Zack Ryder and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, causing an all-star team of Alberto, Dolph, Swagger, McIntyre and a returning-as-a-heel-to-Raw Mason Ryan to line up as opposition. Rock is so out of touch, though, that he doesn’t know Santino and Ryder are capable of victory, slightly evening the odds. But when it comes down to Rock and Cena vs. Alberto, Dolph and Swagger, Rock leaves Cena lying. The biggest surprise: Cena loses. Print the money. – Eric

2. Dolph Ziggler – Dolph got a lot of press (Huffington Post, Yahoo News) for the alleged “hairline mandibular fracture” he suffered at the right hand of actor Hugh Jackman. Fake or real, WWE is in the news. Too bad the wrestler in the spotlight has a stupid name. – Eric

 
3. The Muppets – Jim Henson’s foamy creations will guest host WWE Monday Night Raw on October 31. OK, sorry, I didn’t think the phrase “Jim Henson’s foamy creations” would turn my childhood memories so awkwardly pornographic. – Eric

4. Mark Henry – The man is on a roll right now. He’s never going to be a 5 star technician but his mic work is second to maybe CM Punk currently and he’s playing the monster heel role to a tee. Let’s just hope he wins at Hell In A Cell to keep his beast mode going a bit longer. – Kevin

5. The Miz & R Truth – They’ve been talking conspiracy and HHH was all too kind to play right into their hands after they lost to CM Punk & John Cena by firing them. The WWE is doing a good job right now of getting their name out there in the press starting with CM Punk & HHH having a tiff at the San Diego Comic Con. Next up was Ziggler getting press as Eric noted. Now the “fired” duo of Miz & Truth get a show on SiriusXM. Smart move on their part to keep the names of those “quit” or “fired” on the minds of wrestling fans. – Kevin

6. What TNA Did Right This Week – For a change, Vince Russo didn’t write in a break up of Beer Money even though Bobby Roode has a shot at Kurt Angle for Bound For Glory. James Storm, the better of the duo in my opinion, is going to get stuck teaching a very green Gunner the ropes while Angle & Roode duke it out. TNA helped build up Roode as a contender and didn’t have Storm look like a chump when he wrestled Angle this week. – Kevin

7. Kurt Angle – Has this guy totally stopped lifting weights? After watching Impact he firmly falls into the “guy in your neighborhood you reluctantly wave hello to” category instead of their champion. It is impossible to take him seriously as an athlete with his jaundice look.  – Jeremy

8. ROH – They started their broadcasting days through Sinclair Saturday night. There were actually commercials for the show during ESPN on ABC’s college football game. This is more advertising in one night than through the entire history of the company. – Jeremy

9. WWE Network – Observe this:

WWE has sent out a survey today polling about ideas for the WWE Network. The direction they are talking about is it would be a monthly pay network, similar to HBO or Showtime, priced at between $7 and $12 per month. The fee would be part of a package that would include a number of stations including the NFL Network, NBA Network and Fuel TV (which will have a heavy dose of UFC live preliminary coverage next year).

It would offer 24 hours of programming, including new WWE produced shows that aren’t wrestling shows, repeats of both Raw and Smackdown, old footage, two nights of first-run live wrestling programming and a daily news show.

The biggest surprise is that WWE would apparently keep only the “B” shows on PPV, and would make WrestleMania, SummerSlam, Royal Rumble and Survivor Series exclusive to network subscribers and no longer offer them on PPV.

If they were to actually make that move, since they would be part of tiered programming and would only get a minimal part of that $7 to $12 fee, and certainly not nearly what the NFL or NBA would get, they would be giving up more than $25 million that the company earned in PPV revenue from Mania alone this year. That’s not throwing in revenue from the other three big events which may do another $20 million combined, perhaps more this year due to an expected upturn in Survivor Series.

The economics of the move on paper don’t make sense other than the company must feel it needs to have something so big to get enough carriages of the network coming out of the blocks.

Doing so would also likely kill the “B” PPV concept, because the people who are interested in PPVs would feel like they were getting the big ones for free, and be less apt to pay $44.95 for secondary shows.

In related news, WWE issued a second press release recently simply stating, “We have a bad idea.” – Dusty

10. Big Show – Another press release, ostensibly about a possible WWE Network show:

“How do you handle a hungry man? Just ask Bess Wight. Her husband is Paul “The Big Show” Wight, WWE Superstar and the world’s largest athlete! “Show” is seven feet tall and 425 pounds. Bess is bodacious, beautiful, and one big time cook! And if you think The Big Show is tough, you haven’t met his wife! Bess and Show are about to give viewers an all-access pass into the controlled chaos that is their kitchen. You’ll meet their friends, their families, and even some of Big Show’s fellow WWE Superstars – you never know who will stop by their house to whip up something delicious! Once you see this larger than life couple in the kitchen, we know you’ll be hungry for more!”

Isn’t it funny how much Big Show eats? He eats a lot!!! – Dusty

11. UFC 135 – I don’t give a flip if this isn’t wrestling related. I saw the show, and holy geez was it awesome. UFC is pro wrestling done right. From the personalities to the interviews to the video packages, everything is right about UFC right now. My boys Nate Diaz and Josh Koscheck were victorious, and Bones Jones surprised me by beating Rampage. He’s the real deal. – Dusty

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Smackdown

I'm going to guess none of the cheerleaders at the game near me look like Minka Kelly.

I’m bored and it’s Friday. There’s a high school football game at the high school near me so my one dog becomes a shut in. The public address system hurts her ears. I’m still in the middle of making dinner so this post will still take some breaks. I’m making some creamy tomato sauce with cannelli beans which will go with some whole wheat pasta. Considering I can watch Smackdown in about an hour, I still might catch up. Let’s roll.

Johnny gets the mic to start the show. They must be trying to get us to turn the channel. I tape Star Wars: The Clone Wars at this time slot. Yep, I’m a dork. Oh that’s right, you’re reading this. You’re a dork too. I glaze over until he introduces Mark Henry. He does OK then Trips arrives. Christian kisses up so you know the attack is coming. Ah, the one last match gimmick is coming. That’s kind of funny. I hope they drop the gag soon though. Trips makes a match between Christian & Henry. He was cracking me up telling Henry to hold on. Why wasn’t Sheamus out there?

Ginger on Ginger violence coming up. Slater getting in more offense than I expected. It was still pretty much a squash match though. So, does the WWE really cement Sheamus as a baby face by having him be the one who stopped Henry? Is that why they pulled that feud apart earlier than they should have? Christian still getting much TV time.

Former Nexus members Barrett vs. Gabriel goes down. Glad the announcers let me know they wrestled in a tag match. I thought it was a singles match. I wish this match would have been built up more. It’s not going to be a main event match but why shouldn’t a match like this be a curtain jerker at a PPV? Wow, emphatic win for Barrett.

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