Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

Florence is where I learned to love wine.

Tonight is not a night for a #SippyTimeBeer because I’m making tomato sauce. Any time I cook a sauce or usually when I make any Italian dish, I bust out the wine for the night. Every now and again, event the fellows at Stunt Granny have some level of sophistication. They make a killer wine in Tuscany (Florence’s state) that is called Chianti that is a mix of grapes and is my favorite. I used a California wine called Menage a Trois which is pretty much the same thing since it’s a mix of Zinfandel, Merlot & Cabernet Sauvignon. Good stuff. And remember tomato sauces = red wine and cream sauces = wine white. Time for wrestling. Let’s roll.

Evidently the Rock can only film from the same mountain top. Rock turns down Cena’s offer. Rock is looking really ripped. Glad the WWE finally put up an “Earlier Today” sign. The Rock is teaming with him for the people. The crowd even realizes how anti-climatic this announcement is. What the hell is the director doing with the long shot that doesn’t even show the video? It doesn’t make fun of children who root for Cena. Naturally it’s a threat to Cena too.

CM Punk takes on Mark Henry. Glad they waited a whole week to show the ring being broken. I’m so glad I didn’t order that PPV. I like the look of concern on Punk’s face. Even as much as I love Punk, he better get the “I can see it miles away” interference from Big Show to win. Ricardo assaults Henry to try and get him the DQ. The director fucks up again by not showing Ricardo getting the World’s Strongest Slam. Nice way to stretch out an eventual match.

We are privileged to have the Rock on actual program in two weeks. The Muppets get interrupted by “Excuse Me”. Jack Swagger gets to suck. Kermit & Piggy might pull him out of this. Santino gets in on the act. It’s a train wreck. The guy working the Muppets show more emotion than Swagger. Kelly gets to flirt with Kermit.

During the commercials, Emmitt Smith was hocking some foot insert then I got a Don King commercial. Continue the ridiculousness. The Divas Battle Royal was “hilarious” with the costume run down before the match starts. Alicia Fox wins this thing since she won last week? Nope. Eve wins again. They threw that match together so I can see stretching this thing out. I like the idea of a threesome taking on Beth & Natalya. Christian picks on poor Beaker. Sheamus acts like they’re in the same family.

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WWE releases Maryse, still smokes like a Jeff Hardy house fire

maryse

No... NO! Come back!!

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE has released Maryse. For context’s sake, let’s note three things:

1) Maryse has been sidelined with injuries and surgeries, including one to sew up a nasty hernia (did you know you can get those from trying to take a shit too hard?).

2) While she was active, Maryse was one of the most featured diva acts of the bunch, including wrestling (and not being too bad at it), acting as a ringside valet (and completely showing up her man, “The Ten-Cent Man” Ted DiBiase), and sitting in on color commentary (a job I think she knocked out of the park, nearly to CM Punk levels), showing that WWE loves putting her on screen.

3) Maryse is dating Miz, who has been working an anti-establishment conspiracy angle for months.

So take those three things for what they’re worth and call me in the morning. -Eric

The Art of Wrestling: Warhol Affliction

TNA thinks it's being creative. They're not.

jeremymaes: http://shoptna.com/velvet-sky-men-s-shirt.aspx
jeremymaes: http://shoptna.com/robert-roode—roode.aspx
jeremymaes: http://shoptna.com/roode—off-the-chain.aspx
jeremymaes: they are all the same damn shirt
jeremymaes: http://shoptna.com/wrestlers.aspx
jeremymaes: that makes it easier
difrango11: Why wasn’t Roode wearing these in the build up for BFG?
jeremymaes: shh, you make sense
difrango11: Yes, they’re all the same Affliction rip off shirt
jeremymaes: I mean just about everyone, save Jeff Hardy and Sting
difrango11: Jeff’s is even pretty tired with it being a Warhol rip off, which they acknowledge. When the WWE rips off designs, they alter them some and give it a different spin like Cena’s John Deere inspired shirt. TNA put Hardy in a stock Warhol painting
jeremymaes: dude, you know what is coming next.  post it. hell just that little thing here.
difrango11: I suppose they made it different since Marilyn Monroe’s face is on it and Hardy has his whole body in it. I was going to ask if you were bating me into a column
jeremymaes: yes I was but I noticed the same things

This exchange happened and finally got my ass in gear even though I started a column earlier this month about CM Punk’s Halloween package over at WWEshop.com. Jeremy said that I could just leave our chat alone, but I couldn’t. I feel the need to explain myself more. The anger of the issues presented here make me want to do this article more than the CM Punk Halloween package. I can break this column down to three parts.

Jeremy’s comment: They are all the same damn shirt. Click on the links, they pretty much are. They have some type ovular middle with wings of some sort sprouting off of them. Many people, like Steve Austin or Randy Orton, have the same theme over and over again. That is fine but they wait months in between bringing out the new design. Robert Roode has two of them come out at the same time. Let him wear the first shirt in the build up to Bound For Glory, which is so much of a no brainer TNA didn’t do it. After Roode wins the title, you have him wear the new shirt for a while then he busts out the new four months down the road. Of course TNA did the dumb thing, had Roode lose and then not even have him wear his shirt on the next Impact Wrestling. It’s mind numbingly dumb. Velvet Sky was wearing hers after her big title win (You got the meaningless title change right. Congrats!) as she should have been. It’s called advertising.

My comment: Yes, they’re all the same Affliction rip off shirt. For six of their top nine shirts as Jeremy helped clear up by pointing out the different style of Sting and Jeff Hardy’s shirts. It’s fine to have a template design like the Cena shirt mentioned above. Twist the design somehow by making Bobby Roode’s more about him. The first one doesn’t even have his name on it or a slogan of his. It is in no way identifiable as a shirt for him. Affliction can get away with doing that because they’re a brand of shirt. Roode is not a brand. He is a wrestler in the TNA brand. Roode got his name on the “Off The Chain” shirt but I don’t get the theme much like I was scratching my head when Randy Orton started using a gas mask for a symbol. Velvet Sky’s does have her name on it but doesn’t really make it hers. She has a fantastic assets that are curvy. One would think that you could use those to base your ovular design on but they didn’t.

My comment: Jeff’s is even pretty tired with it being an Andy Warhol rip off, which they acknowledge. I started to back track and I should have. I’m probably not going to ever argue that Warhol was the greatest artist ever. His paintings still have more depth to them than Hardy’s shirt does. Seeing as though Jeff fancies himself as an artist, I’m not sure how he’d say “That looks great!” unless he’s doing naughty things again. If you’re wondering about how I could say Warhol has depth with a lithographed painting, take a look at the painting of Marilyn Monroe then Hardy’s shirt. The images of Monroe are all different. On the left hand pair, her teeth are colored, her famous mole is the same as the background color and her skin color is consistent. On the right hand pair, her teeth are white, the mole is a different colored than the background and her skin color has different tones of the same color. There are other variations but I think you get the point. On Hardy’s shirt, the background color in the upper left hand corner is the highlight color in the lower right hand corner. The same is true of the upper right and lower left hand corners. TNA could have highlighted his necklace, earrings, hair or even his trade mark forearm socks to make it closer to authentic but they didn’t.

TNA ripped off Affliction and Andy Warhol with these shirts. Neither of these examples set the bar really high to be able to reproduce. TNA managed to still do a poor job of replicating them without putting a twist on them. Most people learn from their mistakes, TNA seems incapable of doing that simple task. -Kevin

Barry Windham hospitalized after stroke, makes me feel old

barry windham

I'm actually not sure who won this match.

According to Prowrestling.net, Barry Windham has been hospitalized after suffering a stroke. You can read the full story and see Windham’s doughy, mustachioed face at Slam Sports (that Canadian Web site) (damn, he looks more and more like his dad every time I see him).

Of course I want Windham to make a speedy recovery. My biggest concern, though, is how old  this is making me feel. It was one thing when 35-year-old wrestlers were dying when I was 19. But now the older, somehow healthier generation (Windham, the Briscos, etc.) are starting to sell the farm, guys I grew up watching when I was 4, 5, 6 years old. I remember renting WrestleMania 1 on VHS and being wowed by someone the size of Windham throwing such a mean dropkick, and then, three years and 10 pounds later, turning heel on Lex Luger and joining the Four Horsemen. Well, one year and another 20 pounds after that, Windham jumped back to the WWF, where he became a jobber known as “The Widowmaker.” Ugh. That was almost as bad as “The Stalker,” the 1996 WWF character played by an approximately 400-pound Windham…

Wait, he had a stroke? No way.

Anyway, here’s to a speedy recovery to a wrestler of which I have plenty of fond memories and a shared weight fluctuation problem. Time to drown my sorrows in a bucket of Blue Bunny moose tracks. -Eric

Stunt Granny Audio #162

Jeremy and Kevin are back in together and they’re ready to talk about “The Cowboy” James Storm. How did anyone ever think that Chris Harris was going to be better than him? Why did TNA build up Bobby Roode for months on end then have him lose at Bound For Glory in the first place? Couldn’t they have just pushed Storm instead of Roode from the get go in the Bound For Glory series? The guys also talk about what advice Kevin Nash could have given Matt Morgan, who was supposed to win the Series. In the end, does it matter who the champion is in TNA? The guys move on to Raw talk. Which one of the guys pulled up Youtube to get a look at John Laurinitis in the Dynamic Dudes? What does Cody Rhodes need? Are heels even relevant in the WWE any more? Are Jeremy and Kevin burnt out on the possibility of long term planning? Can they find anything positive? Those pluses come in three but you need to click on the link below to find out what they are.

Stunt Granny Show #162

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

I love pumpkin flavored food.

I spent a fine fall Saturday afternoon in Circleville (OH) Pumpkin Show mowing down more pumpkin flavored foods than anyone really should. I had pumpkin chili, pumpkin sloppy joe and fried pumpkin blossoms. I also bought and brought home some pumpkin fudge which is fantastic. I am still bummed though that I didn’t get to the pumpkin pancakes, waffles, pizza or donuts. I tried the pumpkin roll down there several years ago but it didn’t stack up to my mother’s so I don’t even try it anymore. Just in case you were wondering, the winning pumpkin this year weighed in at a nice even 1436 pounds. What tricks and treats are in store for me tonight? Let’s roll.

Of course they play up the exploded ring. I didn’t read the results of the main event so I’m glad they informed me barely a minute into the show. It really makes me want to order more pay per views. (That’s sarcasm.) Good of HHH to have a new shirt. Stupid fucking wordpress kicked me out when I went to publish. I don’t remember what I typed so fuck the opening segment. Johnny Wooden GM tried to act like he wasn’t involved in the Nash attack. Trips foamed at the mouth. And HHH being the COO still yet not being able to manage Raw just makes the board sound like they don’t watch their own product. Oh, they don’t? Thanks for clearing that up grand kids.

Oh my lord, after the commercial break Kevin Nash fake attacks HHH on the gurney with another sledgehammer shot. That moment already ranks up with coffin surfing and Katie Vick for cheese factor. I love it like CSI: Miami or Big Trouble in Little China. I can’t wait to read about people’s thoughts on this attack. I am watching this way too late to check Twitter. I’m mowing thru this baby with a quickness. Thanks to recaps of the first two segment, things are moving quickly.

Randy Orton & Sheamus take on Cody Rhodes & Christian. Kevin Nash evidently was trending on Twitter. Please take my eyes. I can’t wait for more Nash. (That’s sarcasm again.) Lawler was right to point out this match was a retread. Cole awkwardly sends us to commercial as the camera waits another 10 seconds to fade out.

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PWO – Season 5 – Episode 3

Episode Three has Three Title matches.

Joe Dombrowski opened the show by saying that three titles will be defended this hour with the main event being “The Megastar” Marion Fontaine taking on Jason Bane for the PWO Title. Jason Gory will defend the PWO TV Title against Gregory Iron and the Sons of Michigan (“Amazing” N8 Mattson & Benjamin Boone) against Ben Fruith & Corey Winters which starts off the show. Pedro De Lucca did formal introductions with everyone in the ring. The action was slow so Dombrowski & Maguire filled the air. Maguire kept harping on Fruith & Winters getting a title shot only because they were neighbors. Winters kept a headlock on Mattson for quite a while. Mattson got the upper hand then tagged in Boone. He kept the action slow with a reverse chin lock. Winters backed Boone into a corner with forearms. Winters drop kicked Boone into another corner. Fruith tagged in and tried to double team Boone. Fruith got planted by a Ron Simmons like spine buster. Boone and Mattson worked over Fruith while tagging in and out. Boone had Fruith in a Boston Crab but Winters broke it up before a tap. Fruith went for hat appeared to be a German Suplex. Mattson had a suplex blocked which turned into a Fruith Roll up. After the two count, Fruith hot tagged Winters. He gave Mattson a Cutter then rolled out of the way so that Boone splashed Mattson. Fruith missed a top rope drop kick. Boone speared Winters out of the ring. Mattson hit the M80 (Swinging Neck Breaker into a pin fall) for the victory.

Analysis: They did a good job of hiding what should have been a squash match by having the Sons of Michigan commit a couple of errors to keep Fruith & Winters in the match. Aside from Fruith butchering a German Suplex (at least that’s what I think he was going for) it was a well wrestled match. Score: +1.

Aeroform (Flip Kendrick & Louis Lynden) were standing by. They said that they were excited to get their hands on the Sons of Michigan. Lynden admitted they made a mistake at Wrestlelution but they will not make that mistake again. Lynden said that the Sons give the state of Michigan & the titles a bad name. Kendrick finished it by saying “They’re going to flip the world, son.” Analysis: He delivered that with more conviction than normal. I just wish he hadn’t looked back to his tag team partner. The starter & closer form of their promos continues to work well. Score: +1.

Joe Dombrowski did the low voice to talk about Hobo Joe’s injuries that will keep him out indefinitely. Jason Gory came out first. (The champs came out first in the first match too.) Gory came out without the belt because the Dead Wrestling Society is keeping it hostage. Gregory Iron came out to what sounds like new music. Gory grabbed Iron  by the neck and said he’d kill him. Iron punched him and knocked him to the outside. Iron tossed Gory into the guard rail and continued pounding on him. Gory head butted Iron in the stomach followed by a jaw jacker and a boot to the head. Gory assaulting Iron in a corner. Gory pulled back a finger on his right hand that is useless because of his cerebral palsy. Gory went back to it. Gory got in a Miz clothesline in the corner. Iron shoulder blocked Gory in the corner. Iron got caught charging into the corner. Gory splashed Iron while he was on the middle rope. Gory with a sling shot double stomp but it only got him a two count. A mid ring collision allowed Iron to recover. Iron got in a pair of clotheslines then a neck breaker. Dombrowski did say that the Dead Wrestling Society is banned from ring side. Iron dropped a knee and senton. Gory gave Iron a Code Breaker from the second rope. Gory tried to use a chain which distracted the referee. Gory blew mist in Iron’s eyes. Gory hit Trepidation (Spinning piledriver) for the victory.

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