Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

Which level of hell did the wrestlers get to last night?

You wouldn’t believe the pathetic pictures for “Fallout” (they’re all for Fall Out Boy), “Aftermath” (Bomb photos which I wasn’t quite looking for) and “Hell” (Nothing good). So I went “Dante’s Inferno” and that’s what you get. I visited his house when I was in Florence since that is where he grew up (I’ll check on that). He did invent modern Italian with that book since it was still a collection of local dialects. Welcome to factoid day here. Time for wrestling. Let’s roll.

We get started with Randy Orton taking on “What ever happened to?” to Drew McIntyre. Orton whoops on him for a bit then starts to sell. In the mean time, Eric sends me this gem in a text “He’s now being announced as the Apex Predator? No more Viper? At least that nickname didn’t sound like a smooth pervert on Dateline NBC.” I never thought of that name that way but I could see that used for a serial rapist. Orton hits a second RKO on Drew just for shits and giggles. I love a squash match to start Raw. It just dawned on me that they started with a match. Henry shows up afterwards. A brawl ensues so that someone can prove HHH is losing control even though this type of event is a staple in wrestling.

Good on WWE to hype Smackdown and more importantly Big Show. It’d be nice if Orton didn’t spend the year just feuding with Christian and Henry. I told the WWE to shit or get off the pot with Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler and John Morrison. I’m going to say they’re shitting on Morrison. Cole making the argument I just predicted. JR disagreeing with Cole now that King isn’t there. Henry wins in our second consecutive squash match. Oh no, as scary as Henry just was I’m thinking if he starts over using “Hall of Pain” may make him popular. The WWE lulls me to sleep talking about lawsuits brought to you by bores Johnny Wooden Gobbler and Jennifer Hudson’s husband.

Del Rio is still being shoved down our throats as Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Vickie Guerrero, Christian and some Harvard grad.  Alberto is not doing well. Christian does better in 10 seconds of mic time. Cody shows off how to deliver a good promo in a weird cadence. Take note Del Rio. Dolph acquits himself well. Swagger shows why he isn’t going anywhere. The crowd boos Vickie more than anyone else. Otunga trips over his tongue 3 words into his promo. HHH shows up to save us from the terrible TV him and his wife subjected us to. Trips gives us a “Being men” speech. Easy fodder.

Cole trying to sell the importance of the Diva’s Title over the Women’s Championship. I beg to differ. Beth Phoenix & Natalya take on Eve Torres & Kelly Kelly. KK shrieks like a banshee as she whoops on Beth. OK, there’s definitely a “Things are getting out of control” theme going on tonight. Johnny Wooden Voice gets more TV time talking to HHH. He tries to sell HHH on the locker room turning on him. Trips threatens them. He’s finally seeing the obvious.

The Rock’s movie gets pimped. I don’t hear or see a name. Good planning. (That’s sarcasm.) Jinder Mahal faces a returning Santino Marella. He gets a luke warm return pop. Going back to Dante for a second. He was born in Florence. The Italian Stallion wins with the Cobra. Nice knowing you Jinder.

Brodus Clay gets a nice video package. If he has any mic skills, he’ll be pretty awesome. Glad I didn’t pay for Hell In A Cell. Don’t we have an answer to the vote of confidence with all of the other Superstars, aside from in the lawsuit, helping HHH at HIAC? That is the longest bolt cutters have ever taken to get out to a wrestling ring. The Miz & R Truth sent in a video. Why would you put a criminal’s video on their TV program? They claim they did what HHH would. I don’t remember Trips attacking camera men or referees not of the special guest variety. They’re sorry. Thank goodness CM Punk interrupts Cole’s rant that he’s done at least twice tonight. Snooze. Punk with an ice cream bar t shirt. He could be a real merchandise whore. Not a real strong mid main event segment.

Cena got introduced before the break. Everyone else comes out during the commercial break. Come on, at least intro the baby faces who haven’t been on our screen like all of the heels. Nothing really happens in the match when they go for the commercials.

Kofi is selling when we come back. Booker & JR talking up Swagger & Ziggler as a tag team. They’re still pushing the division. They’d make it better. The jump into someone’s arms to prevent the tag is way too popular these days. I don’t remember it happening that way growing up. It looks too cheesy. I’m fine with the crawl and yank back. Good spot to use Bourne. He gets in Air Bourne before Vickie puts Swagger’s leg on the ropes. She gets tossed. Vickie is looking great in that top.

I’m glad they’re stretching this match up. They end multi-man matches too early more than not. Cole assuming HHH is going to lose the vote of confidence. He must not notice that more people disagree with his opinions than agree. Bourne selling when we get back. I talked up the tag division but they’ve been the ones taking the beating. The other four faces can’t sell really. Ryan is un-sellable for the time being. Of course Cena sells some right after I type that. Not for the duration that the other two sold for though. Cole calls the Rocker Dropper a Zig Zag and no one calls him on it. You suck Cole. Otunga with a neck breaker. He’s even boring in the ring. Sheamus wins after the flurry of finishers spot. Great multi-man match.

I’m not real excited about this segment. They’re giving it a boat load of time too. I mean, nothing can follow it and we’ve got twenty minutes before the over run. Jerry “The King” Lawler makes a return. Commercial. Back to baseball.

HHH has a decent promo until he panders to the crowd a little too much. Wade Barrett gets the first crack at disagreeing with Trips. The response should be “Didn’t you do this?” And HHH goes that route. No surprise. Mike Chioda is just a “WWE official”. Poor guy needs to have a name. HHH gives him one. Beth Phoenix gets to speak for all of the Divas. She gets beat back because nothing has happened to the Divas. Lawler gets his piece. He calls the place chaotic and says that someone else is causing the problems. Lawler still kind of blames HHH. Only the people with mics get to speak. Lawler reluctantly walks out. The lawsuit groups follows. Every other group files out like they’re being released from pews at a wedding. A small contingent is staying behind. Cole does a walk of shame.  Nope, the baby faces still leave. Even the camera men leave. JR is still there but he’s silent. Mike Tenay would fuck this up. JR gets to drive the last nail in the coffin. Seriously, no one stayed? Johnny Wooden Expressions shakes his head. The crowd cheers HHH. He mouths that he’s sorry. Wait a spot light hog. -Kevin

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