Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

Florence is where I learned to love wine.

Tonight is not a night for a #SippyTimeBeer because I’m making tomato sauce. Any time I cook a sauce or usually when I make any Italian dish, I bust out the wine for the night. Every now and again, event the fellows at Stunt Granny have some level of sophistication. They make a killer wine in Tuscany (Florence’s state) that is called Chianti that is a mix of grapes and is my favorite. I used a California wine called Menage a Trois which is pretty much the same thing since it’s a mix of Zinfandel, Merlot & Cabernet Sauvignon. Good stuff. And remember tomato sauces = red wine and cream sauces = wine white. Time for wrestling. Let’s roll.

Evidently the Rock can only film from the same mountain top. Rock turns down Cena’s offer. Rock is looking really ripped. Glad the WWE finally put up an “Earlier Today” sign. The Rock is teaming with him for the people. The crowd even realizes how anti-climatic this announcement is. What the hell is the director doing with the long shot that doesn’t even show the video? It doesn’t make fun of children who root for Cena. Naturally it’s a threat to Cena too.

CM Punk takes on Mark Henry. Glad they waited a whole week to show the ring being broken. I’m so glad I didn’t order that PPV. I like the look of concern on Punk’s face. Even as much as I love Punk, he better get the “I can see it miles away” interference from Big Show to win. Ricardo assaults Henry to try and get him the DQ. The director fucks up again by not showing Ricardo getting the World’s Strongest Slam. Nice way to stretch out an eventual match.

We are privileged to have the Rock on actual program in two weeks. The Muppets get interrupted by “Excuse Me”. Jack Swagger gets to suck. Kermit & Piggy might pull him out of this. Santino gets in on the act. It’s a train wreck. The guy working the Muppets show more emotion than Swagger. Kelly gets to flirt with Kermit.

During the commercials, Emmitt Smith was hocking some foot insert then I got a Don King commercial. Continue the ridiculousness. The Divas Battle Royal was “hilarious” with the costume run down before the match starts. Alicia Fox wins this thing since she won last week? Nope. Eve wins again. They threw that match together so I can see stretching this thing out. I like the idea of a threesome taking on Beth & Natalya. Christian picks on poor Beaker. Sheamus acts like they’re in the same family.

Air Boom takes Cody Rhodes & Wade Barrett. A real head scratcher with Rhodes & Barrett both getting a push recently. Air Boom needs a win after losing to Awesome Truth on Smackdown. Barrett has something Polish on his trunks meant for uprising. Isn’t he English? Couldn’t you pick something in your ethnicity?

Jeremy is very happy about the Polish Uprising.

Bourne counter from Wasteland wakes me up. The tag team division has officially been killed again if it ever truly made a comeback. Sheamus makes the save for Air Boom. Boy, I wonder if this will be a Survivor Series match. Add Swagger to one team, Santino to the other then we only need a fifth man for each. Jerry forces a fake laugh from the Waldorf Astoria. CM Punk rips on Johnny Wooden GM. Less is more with him.

Del Rio takes on Big Show. Punk had a shit eating grin on his face when he left the GM’s office so he’s got something in mind. So the Big Show and Mark Henry weighed less than the pumpkin I saw two weekends ago. How did that platform hold nine more pumpkins close to that size? (That’s sarcasm.) Nice of Show to put Del Rio’s arm in place for a sleeper. Hey director, Don’t show that as a close up. Big Show breaking the count a couple of times is weird. Now I know why Jeremy asked me to mention how much Show was working his ass off. Did the director drop acid before this show? Why did he pan to the Sunny look a like during a move? If Vince wants to yell at someone tonight it had better be this director.

I typed a lot for the first half of the match. Even with the big kick out, I’m not sure anyone else has made Del Rio look this good. Just as I type that, he gets in a half assed WMD for the victory. I would have liked to have seen some more offense before that finish. Punk shows up. Why did I miss that Punk’s boots are orange and black? I’m a dope. Punk gets his match thru the Anaconda Vice. Good reminder with Del Rio having a submission finisher. Fozzy & Gonzo show up. Dolph & Jack pick on them. The adjustment joke is a woofer. I was wondering whether the WWE would be writing this material or someone with a humor bone. The WWE won. Unfortunately.

I was surprised Santino didn’t bust out the “Cobra” to talk to the Muppets earlier. He takes on Swagger. Cole fakes laughs at the push ups on Santino. Beaker delivers the energy drink to Santino who spits it, yuck. I’m disgusted even trying to type it.

My boy Dolph takes on Zack Ryder. Vickie almost smiled at the camera in a “Aren’t I sexy now?” way. Nice save by her still scowling. Her face turn is the only face turn worth worrying about. The crowd chants “Woo, Woo, Woo, You Know It!” Impact Wrestling is trying desperately for the Guido gimmick with TV stars and still can’t get it right.

They have a commercial break match. Not too bad. Zack is in there with a trusted hand. A rare face has the decision turned with a foot on a rope. Vickie gets in a leg hold yet Zack hits the Rough Ryder for the win. WWE has plenty of heels in at this level to help elevate someone. Too bad they don’t have quite enough people, heel or face, to move them up a further rung.

To save time, I FF thru the HHH replays. Cole gets to talk about bowl disorders. Ugh. I’m grabbing a sippy time beer.Poor Hornswoggle gets the karate chop from Piggy. Kermit again gets out more emotion than 60% of the roster. Waldorf Astoria gets another appearance.

John Cena takes on the Miz in the main event. For as much as I slammed TNA’s shirts last night, I would not be doing my job if I didn’t say that Cena’s shirt is the least inspired thing on the wrestling market today. Rise Above Hate in red, white & blue is so simple. It does seem that he’s staying with the camo hybrid trunks/shorts. They are better than the jorts. These guys are delivering a good match. After destroying Awesome Truth, a match like this was much needed even if Cena pulls it out. Cena got attacked by the Scream character but still gets the STF submission. It’s R Truth. Scratch what I said about a good match for Miz. That just got flushed down the toilet. -Kevin

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