Comedian and former WWE writer Patrice O’Neal dies at 41

In somewhat-related-to-wrestling news, according to The Huffington Post, comedian Patrice O’Neal has died at age 41 after battling with with diabetes and suffering a stroke last month. O’Neal had a brief stint as a writer for WWE in 2000 (read about it here), but was more famous to me as a frequent panelist on “Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn,” one of the funniest shows I’ve ever seen on TV. Exhibit A is above, and more proof is in the related results. He is the one who introduced to me the visual of “Fat Albert on a skateboard,” one of the major reasons I lost 90 pounds two years ago. O’Neal’s wordsmithing has directly influenced mine, so in other words you have him to blame. Rest in peace, stupid. -Eric

Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

Becky Bayless posted this picture of herself and Serena Deeb on Twitter last night. I'm not going to pass up two hotties for my intro picture.

WWE leads us off with Piper’s Pit since he appeared on Funny or Die recently. They probably have more viewers than Raw right now. Cena is his guest. He re-explains himself. Roddy tells us he’s the face of the WWE. Man, is he actually going to make a good point on TV? I’d imagine Cena has heard this line of questioning back stage before. Roddy trying to get Cena to snap. I like Cena taking a stand. It’s not going to help his split response problems. I was hoping that was more of what Piper was getting at. Alex Riley is being told by John Morrison to look forward to taking his spot as a high ranking jobber.

The Miz attacks Morrison from behind. The joke of the Miz re-establishing anything in the WWE is hilarious. Morrison gets a courageous hero spot before he takes his supposed extended absence. I’m glad Dot Net was even further behind in reporting about Impact Wrestling and Smackdown. Head to Twitter (@Stuntgranny) to see my reviews. You might even be lucky enough to become our 100th follower! Morrison using the kendo stick to get in some offense. Morrison gets to do one last job. We get a replay of the beginning of the match. Our memories are really this short? Or the action was so impressive that it needed a replay? Just a buffer for the Miz to come out and talk. I’m supposed to take him more seriously, I suppose because he had a serious face. How about having him win an important match for more than one PPV at a time? Or without cheating? Just sayin.

The Divas are distracted by Beth & Natalya running around the ring. This division is not getting better. Alicia is the flavor of the month so she gets the pinfall victory. Cole can’t even get his dander up about how terrible they all are. WWE12 is pushed more than the Divas ever will be.

Johnny Wooden GM is doing Brodus Clay a favor. Thanks for the guest appearance David Otunga. Del Rio comes and the skit becomes a train wreck because no one can read all of the cue cards. Punk does fine because he doesn’t need cue cards.

Wade Barrett joins the announce crew. I’ll drink for WWE.com/Social because I want more of my beer. My home boy Dolph Ziggler takes on Randy Orton. Ziggler had a mid-main event match on Smackdown, now on Raw. Both of these guys throw picture perfect drop kicks. Dolph busts his out first. A superplex is our commercial break move. At least someone didn’t get thrown outside the ring. Wow, quick pin after the break. Ziggler gets the duke after a distraction from Barrett.

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Dusty’s Blog: A Modest Proposal For Changing The Shape Of WWE

There’s a guy who gets paid to do this who brings up that wrestlers should get about three months of mandatory time off per year every couple months.  What he doesn’t realize is that it’s not really adequate to just want something to happen.  I want to impregnate Scarlett Johansson, but I realize that might not ever happen.  What I’m saying is, you have to actually present an idea, instead of just saying something to say it.  So while I’m working on the Scarlett thing, here’s a modest proposal for wrestlers getting three months off every year.

Treat wrestling like a real sport.  Let’s use basketball as the example for these purposes, since those knuckleheads have been in the news recently.  A typical NBA season (when they’re not following up the best year in the history of their league with an extended, fan repelling lockout) runs until April, and then the playoffs culminate in June with the championship series.  And then they have off until late October or November, so we’re talking about four months off for NBA players to get high and play video games. 

So if we’re talking three months off (admittedly as arbitrary as any number would be, but we’ll use it as the launching point for this column), how do we structure WWE’s “season”?  The first thing I can think of is that WrestleMania is still considered the biggest WWE event of the year, even in this age of de-focus on pay-per-views and more focus on television (and Twitter).  So let’s say WrestleMania is where the championship is decided every year.  Now let’s work backwards to get there.

This system would allow for every match to mean something, which is something a lot of people on the internet have been clamoring for for years now.  I propose a point system of something like three points for every pinfall or submission victory, two points for every countout or disqualification victory, one point for a draw (time limit draw or no decision type situation), and zero points for any loss.  Tiebreakers can be amount of wins first and fewest amount of losses second.  Or something like that.  I’m just spitballing here.  The important part is that I get my ideas out.

And keep track of every win and loss, and constantly update the point totals.  Show the leaderboard on the television shows.  Have a page on the website that tracks everybody on the roster.  Make it interactive.  At some random point, the “season” ends, and it’s time for the tournament.  The seedings for the tournament will be based on the points system.  The finals of the tournament will be held at WrestleMania.  After WrestleMania, the “season” is over, and the wrestlers get April, May and June off, and start up the next season in July.

I think this format would serve several purposes.  For one, it gives everyone on the roster time to rest up, heal injuries, what have you.  For another, it would make every match important, since logically you would want to win every match so you get as many points as possible so you get the best seed in the tournament you possibly can.  You’d rather be facing Primo in the first round of the tournament than, say, Dolph Ziggler.  Make it easy on yourself, why don’t you?

You can still make the TV shows storyline driven, to an extent.  But the storylines would now be centered around gaining in the standings, gaining points, improving your status, as opposed to storylines centered around comedy that isn’t funny and belts changing hands every week.

And what about those belts?  Gone.  You’re wrestling for the purpose of winning the “championship” at the end of the “season.”  Belts have so little meaning anymore anyway, it’s a necessary evil to get rid of them.  Besides, belts don’t sell tickets anymore either.  Wrestlers don’t even really sell tickets anymore, aside from maybe like John Cena and Undertaker and special appearance guys like the Rock.  The WWE brand sells tickets.  People go to TV tapings and live events to see “WWE,” and whatever that means to them.  I would argue it would be an easy transition to a belt-less company.  The people wouldn’t mind nearly as much as the purists would want you to believe.

And what about tag teams?  Gone.  As much of a tag team wrestling fan as I am, as much as I grew up loving Demolition and the Midnight Express and the Beverly Brothers and the Fabulous Rougeaus and Arn Anderson and whoever Arn was teaming with that week, this is another necessary evil.  The past ten years have done nothing but teach fans that tag teams don’t mean anything.  Every pairing these days is an afterthought, and every team is bound to break up, with the only question being when, not if. 

So with everyone fighting for the goal of winning the individual championship at WrestleMania, the next logical step is getting rid of tag teams altogether.  There is no reason to team with anybody anymore.  Wrestling logic dictates you can’t trust that person, no matter how good of a friend they may seem to be.  So let’s skip the middle man altogether here.  And again, the tag belts don’t mean anything.  No belt does.

So while these may seem like radical steps, I view them as totally necessary to get towards the end goal.  You want a more realistic product, this is the way to do it.  Everyone fighting towards a common goal, you may be “friendly” with some of your competitors but not so much that you wouldn’t try to beat them in a match if it meant gaining ground in the standings.  This is how you can move wrestling towards emulating real sports, like basketball, and real competitions, like UFC events.

Again, the main purpose here was to get this idea out in the open.  I welcome any feedback, improvements, adjustments, whatever, you want to suggest.  This is the rough idea I dreamed up, and I’m kind of excited about it and wanted to share it.  Hopefully I can find enough time to make this a weekly thing, every Sunday night so people can have something to read on Monday mornings when they’re online doing whatever instead of working.  Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to find a job that allows online surfing during work time.  I’ll have to work on that, right after I find Scarlett…

Sin Cara has a shirt. A penis shirt.

Now, I’m not nearly eloquent enough to put into words how I feel about this, so I am going to just let the picture do the talking. No, I’m not:

1. Sin Cara is a horrible professional wrestler.

2. That is a terrifically horrible shirt.

3. Sin Cara sucks.

4. How did that get off the production line? Somebody thought this was a good idea.

5. Isn’t Sin Cara Triple H’s baby? Strike one. – Dusty

Enjoy Black Friday!

We hope you enjoyed a great day of friends, family and lots of turkey on Thanksgiving. We’ll whore out some Black Friday sales once we actually come up with some merchandise designs. Drink a sippy time beer like all of us are doing, watch some football, hockey or a parade, if you like that kind of a thing you big sissy. – The Stunt Granny Crew

Ultimate Warrior makes pop-punk band I See Stars do first-ever physical activity in Web “reality” show

Have you always wanted to see your delusional childhood hero say the word “fuck” every 3 seconds while nearly killing a shitty pop-punk band that screams when they can’t think of any better melodies to write? Of fucking course you have! So watch the video above, where our favorite psychopath the Ultimate Warrior (“Fifty-two fuckin’ years I’ve been on this fuckin’ planet!”) kicks down the hotel-room doors of some shaggy-haired emo kids named I See Stars (when I watch this video, I don’t see any stars) and puts them through the paces of Warrior University. It’s about as relevant as a “Golden Girls” rerun and 100 times less entertaining. Seriously, did you see that little queef bench-pressing 20 pounds and a small chain?? These are the kids who sat against the wall in high school gym, and they make the music kids are listening to these days. Sgt. Slaughter was right in 1990, this country is going soft. I’m gonna go listen to Toby Keith. -Eric

WWE suspends R-Truth for 30 days, I bet @ValVenisEnt is going to have a conniption fit

R-Truth and Vince McMahon, watching "Robot Chicken" on Adult Swim

According to Prowrestling.net, Ron Killings, aka R-Truth, has been suspended for 30 days for violating the WWE wellness policy, right on the heels of main-eventing WWE Survivor Series and just a few hours after what now appears to be an injury angle, taking Miz’s Skull-Crushing Finale on the top of the stage at Monday Night Raw last night.

Now, I’m not one to cast aspersions on people’s good name, but Killings strikes me as a possible pot head. Kinda like Evan Bourne (who’s in the middle of his own suspension) and Mike Chioda (he was recently suspended, and I just want to think he’s a pot head because he’s a nice guy). Not a guy who destroys his body by using massive amounts of steroids or HGH or other mind-altering performance enhancers or lethal doses of alcohol and muscle relaxers or a shit-ton of coke. Nope, a little bit of weed here and there. Enough to dull the pain of a hard night’s work. And that’s what WWE has been busting guys for lately, pulling some of the most entertaining acts off of TV while forcing upon us ass-heads like Kofi Kingston.

That’s why we get Tweets like this, from Val Venis:

Its 100% hypocritical of @wwe to allow the use of prescribed pain meds which do kill, while suspending talent for marijuana. #legalizeweed

Yes, legalize weed, its good for your grammar. Here’s hoping Kevin never gets his dream job in WWE, and Dusty keeps his spaghetti jacket in the closet. -Eric

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