Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

Surprisingly, the caption in the picture doesn’t refer to having to watch Raw again. Or even a warning to you the reader about the quality of content. I always bring the quality. No, I’m referring to my buddy Sean stopping over in thirty minutes. The one that in the below post all but raped me during New Year’s Eve. I was going to be content to sit here and watch Raw and get to bed somewhat early. Now he’s going to fuck that plan up because I’m taping Raw and Hawaii Five O as usual. That means we need to head out to watch football, which I do want to catch. Plus, I want to know what the surprise is. Sorry Twitter folks, I might no be around for that. Let’s roll.

We get a recap from Kane’s speech last week. Then John Cena hits the ring. He gives us some New Year’s Resolutions. He is going to remain true to himself. Cena shows off his awful shirt. Kane gives him some advice over the PA system. Embrace the hate. We can only hope. Even Shawn Michaels embraced it a little bit in his feud with the Undertaker. We get the video one last time. I can’t wait for it not to pay off.

Daniel Bryan starts off against Cody Rhodes. I’m ready for my first dirty finish of the year. My money is on a Booker distraction leading to a Bryan win. Mitchell Cool pointing out Bryan’s losing streak before his title win shows why he should win clean tonight. Get this guy a little more credibility. Wow, Bryan does win clean. He did a good job on Smackdown. He’s getting the promo part of the wrestling business now. They recap the Truth on Miz beat down. Johnny Wooden GM talks to him. He plays good GM by pointing out the Miz’s flaw. Miz fights Sheamus again but he is protected from Truth.

I took 2012-1988 and got 24. How is it the 25th anniversary? Cool predicts 2012 as the year of Wade Barrett. Randy Orton is getting time off to fake his injury. Good for him. Barrett continues with his barrage. Santino interferes. Oh, it just his match opponent. Santino brags he spent more time in the Rumble. He looks more like Jeremy Piven every week. No one is surprised it’s a squash match. The Bellas get screen time to give Miz a hard time. Truth is stalking him. He wants us to stay quiet.

I missed between here and the 10 PM hour. From that point forward, I watched at the bar I went to without sound so I’ll do more of an autopsy like Dusty did since I’ll have sound when I watch tonight. If you want to catch my in time reaction, along with those of Jeremy, Eric and a very special guest Dan Keuster, go follow @Stuntgranny, @GrannyMaes and @difrango11. I’ll avoid the results too so that I can do the first half of the show like I normally would. -Kevin

So I’m going to watch some of this during halftime of the Sugar Bowl. What a snoozefest between Michigan (sorry Jer) and Virginia Tech. Nice of the WWE to miss the Miz attacking Sheamus. Another repeat match from Smackdown since nobody watches it. Miz flees the match. The Lil’ Jimmy act is not as funny when he’s a babyface. Miz walks into a Brogue Kick. Even worse that Truth gets transfixed by water bottles now. How dumb. Somethings are funny once but not multiple times.

We get recap of Dolph Ziggler beating CM Punk. Dolph gets the mic time. He’s a walking surplus. Nice. I could have done without the handstand. Zack Ryder is hitting on Eve. Swagger calls him out. Johnny Wooden GM gets more camera time. Ah, this is the basis of the main event. They’re trying with Johnny but he’s rivaling the black hole of charisma Michelle McCool.

I saw the end of this match and was perplexed by my boy keeping the belt after a count out victory. Neither Ziggler nor Punk getting a big pop. CM Punk chant makes me feel dumb almost immediately. I will not be surprised if the match is high quality. Oh my goodness, “The Best Wrestler in the World” made me think of watching ROH’s year in review show this past weekend. I actually found ROH for the first time. Four leg drops? That was interesting. I dig his running version. Zig Zag doesn’t quite drop Punk on the rope properly. So I saw Davey Richards take on Roderick “Roddy” Strong from 10-08-11. I’ve seen people talking up Richards and I’ve liked what I had seen from Strong. I wasn’t very impressed. Richards isn’t “The Best in the World” just because he can kick more times than I care to count. The match wasn’t very smooth. Both guys also took entirely too much punishment which seems to still be an ROH staple. Slow the pace down a bit guys. Don’t pack a forty minute match into twenty-five. Ziggler in control as the commercial hits.

Cool & Lawler are really pushing the “Show Off” thing for Ziggler. Cocky heels almost always work. The turnbuckle was such a plant. I wondered at the bar how it got that way. My Sippy Time Beer last night was LaBatt Blue. I’ll never understand not keeping a submission move on. Weakest count out ever. I can’t recall anyone else getting counted out by being tossed out of the ring. Ziggler was not getting much heat. The crowd isn’t falling for this classic heel move. OK, the announcers made the title status clear.

I’m not even going to write more than the Bellas had some kicking cat suits on and Eve & Kelly Kelly got a much warmer reception at the bar from the handful of gentlemen that were there. The Winking Lizard stayed open just so we could watch the end of Standford vs Oklahoma State. Punk gets his mic time. Dolph Ziggler gets Punk at the Royal Rumble. The crowd pops for bitch. Maybe they’ll loosen up to PG-13 to get more viewers back. I’m not going to hold my breath.

Good response for Chris Jericho. As said to Jeremy last night, this jacket is hideous. He’s got questionable taste so I’m hoping it was just for this ridiculous moment. I loved it. Jeremy loved it. His woman Elyse hated it. More importantly, Eric didn’t like it. We’ll be doing a show tomorrow and discussing the pros and cons. That jacket is worse than I thought after seeing the gold weaved in there too. Really, listen to the show for more on this. Holding back more than normal. I love the black man and his daughter not even mildly excited about Y2J. I’m still laughing even knowing what’s going to happen.

The six man tag was next. Big Show, Zack Ryder & John Cena vs Mark Henry, Jack Swagger & a ready to pop his cheesy head thru the mat Kane. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is when you’re watching at a bar with other people mocking that moment. You’ve got nothing. The only real answer is “Yep, I watch and review this stupid shit.” Oh, elimination match. Does have some implications of pecking order then. Show & Mark Henry get counted out. Missed that part. Makes some sense. Ryder showing vulnerability to Swagger is a good way to build that mini-feud up. Cena with an easy win. Kane and the mandible claw got a good laugh in a bad way at the bar too. -Kevin

6 Responses

  1. 88,89,90,91,92,93,94,95,96,97,98,99,00,01,02,03,04,05,06,07,08,09,10,11,12

    Equals 25. Hence the 25th anniversary…this being the 25th Rumble.

    • If you were married on 1/1/2000, then your 1st anniversary would be 1/1/2001.

      If your first Royal Rumble was in 1988, then your 25th anniversary would be in 2013. -E

  2. I just know, using my math, this is the 25th Rumble.

  3. I know the math is fucked up, don’t get me wrong. Im just saying this will be the 25th Rumble.

  4. Touche´ my new favorite website friends.

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