Jeremy’s Blog: TNA PPV Dilemma: $34.95, Please

So Monday morning Eric hits me up on messenger like one of those retirement ads worrying about retirement. He starts with a simple hi and then drops this line, “I know we have a spotty track record on these anymore but a whole TNA PPV came and went with no mention.” (Apparently Eric doesn’t realize that Kevin covers Impact Wrestling every Thursday night live on Twitter @stuntgranny but whatever. -K)

I respond back very matter of factly with “Yes all around the world no one mentioned it.” Now that may not be entirely true but why waste time with TNA after all? In their last two main events, the heel champion has wrestled to a draw and then retained his title by kicking the referee in the balls. Making matters worse, the five-minute extra period was placed on free television, so all of the people who paid – and by all I mean a slight few – for the PPV event got to see the resolution for free. Ha ha, suckers. $34.95, please.

Feel no remorse for those losers, though. If they ordered the PPV then they have to be fans of the product and they have decided TNA is the product for them and will gladly shell out $34.95. I was going to say $44.95 for the HD feed, but come on.

Here is the real issue and the hardest idea I am having the damndest time understanding. Why would anyone pay money to watch a TNA PPV? What is it that draws anyone to TNA in general let alone shelling out actual money to watch their stagnant product?

As Eric and I discussed the lack of TNA coverage – and I still say it is a universal lack of coverage – I started coming up with a list of different reasons that this league doesn’t matter. It isn’t exciting and is basically a great place to go after WWE to collect a big check while others just keep going thinking or hoping they can break out whether that is in TNA or get a barebones agreement with WWE.

The one argument in favor of TNA is that the roster has talent but it is being booked poorly or it is young or blah blah blah. Any and all excuses for TNA are now out the window. They have been around long enough to have their company in order but they still do not. We have already done a TNA Roster game Audio and the entire Stunt Granny crew covered a lot of this by way of running down the roster. I won’t bore you with a rehash of that but you can listen to it here. If you haven’t listened to it go ahead and then come on back. What do you have to lose? Time? You are wasting time reading this blog so your argument is invalid. If you don’t want to listen fine whatever. You have no reason if I provided the link.

Ok, now that you are back not much has changed. TNA is infested with spot wrestlers, long in the tooth nostalgia acts and is filled in with a bunch of wrestlers who have hung out in TNA much too long.

Did you know AJ Styles was one of the founders of this company? If you forgot just watch any episode of Impact Wrestling. It will come up no less than twice per a Styles segment. This isn’t something to be proud of by the way. A fry cook at the original McDonald’s can brag all he wants about being there at the beginning but when he is scooping up those breaded lard sticks fifteen years later it doesn’t mean much. Same goes for AJ Styles. He has won every championship at least thirteen times. This isn’t anything to brag about. Longevity is nothing to brag about when you have nothing to show for it. Everyone becomes stale. Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage were stale so they went to WCW, got a second wind and then suddenly got a third wind with the NWO.

AJ Style is just one example of a tired roster and a booking committee of no ideas. Every PPV TNA starts with some sort of spot match featuring wrestlers you don’t care about. Genesis opened with a guy who looks like he should be pumping gas, a wrestler with actual charisma, a guy who used to tote around a football and Austin Aries. Essentially, three nobodies and Austin Aries. This isn’t an indictment of the talent but it is an indictment of the talent offering. Who cares about the other three when Austin is the only guy who gets a bump? Even then the matches are the usual TNA spotfest with varying degrees of moves that have been rehashed in one form or another. Whoppdedoo. $34.95 please.

What else changes on a TNA PPV that would compel someone to order them? If you told me Gunner was wrestling RVD I would automatically assume this was for an upcoming Impact Wrestling taping. Saying that it was indeed a match on an actual PPV that someone pays for would get a “shut the fuck up” and a look of disgust. Who is Gunner? Why does he warrant a PPV slot at all? The popular opinion on him is that there is potential but I am not seeing it. They gave him Ric Flair as his manager, because that pair makes sense. I guess they have a Sandusky angle waiting. It is the only sensible thing to happen from that since there is nothing there in Gunner. If Gunner  was tagging with Kid Kash as Pump n Wipe, as in a full service gas station attendants (perverts), then that would be believable but again not for a PPV. $34.95 please.

Also on the PPV and this was supposed to sell it was the culmination of the Devon/The Pope feud. Although, Devon and The Popes feud should last a tad longer. I am not sure I understand why they are hot shotting it? It has been what fifteen  months so far, that is hardly enough time. I believe in a slow build. Hell there is no way this is over. It is a fair wager to expect that bet Devon’s kids turn on him next weekend, Pope smiles with his bejeweled glass and nods but it is a swerve and the kids are out for their own and Devon and Pope then team up to rescue them from the path they have chosen. $34.95 please.

If any argument can be made to order a TNA PPV it would be the Knockouts division. They were one of the sole if not the sole reason to ever order a TNA PPV; historically at least.  So, let’s concentrate on that positive for a moment.  Now that that is over can we all agree that the Knockouts Division is useless? Sure they are good looking women and they provide sex appeal but when the Knockouts you have decided to push the hardest have easily accessible topless or full nude pictures or videos on line it doesn’t matter. Teasing the audience is ridiculous now as a simple Google search proves the results that you really want? Here is a quick result using Google and putting in a Knockouts name and nude. $34.95 please.

Traci Brooks
Gail Kim
Miss Tessmacher (Broke Adams)
Mickie James

You are welcome.

Jeff Hardy is over but then can you be over if the crowd is the same schmucks every taping? Do those 100 people matter? How much can you invest in a guy when the company he works for continually tells you he has had his demons and is fighting or overcoming them? Isn’t that a sign this whack job is due to fall off again and let you down? $34.95 please.

Then there is the enigma of James Storm. He is a guy that should have been headlining TNA PPVs two years ago but TNA management continually brought in other people and placed them on the path in front of him. Does Ken Anderson ring a bell? No? Well he was the guy that used to be mega popular in WWE, coined the term assholes, and then got pudgy and has now disappeared. Is he even under contract with TNA? Who cares. James Storm finally got the nod and had his brief run with the title and then set in motion with Kurt Angle so he should be having great matches but it isn’t panning out. They have had average matches together and if all Kurt Angle can do is pull an average match out of you then something is wrong. We all bash on Kurt Angle on this site but it is never on an in ring basis. He cannot be denied and Storm isn’t getting traction against one of the best in the world. So you can’t even look forward to a lights out contest on a show you pay for? $34.95 please.

Of course there is the TNA champion. Bobby Roode was primed for the top spot and backstage shenanigans ruined his momentum. They turned him heel and have been desperately trying to get him any sort of heat. The problem is that when you have a draw on a paid show it kind of hurts your loyalty. So they pull the trigger and have him go back to the suits, team with Angle (instant heat) and Bully Ray (a real pleasant surprise actually) and it doesn’t work. So, you have him spit in the face of the companies owner which is made worse by the fact it was clearly on purpose and then doubly worse due to the fact she is a woman and crickets yawn then there is a problem. He spit on a woman and there was no heat. Bobby Roode is not over and they are trying and trying everything. In summary he turns on his partner, his family is mad at him, he spits on the owner, he purposely gets disqualified and nothing works. He has no heat. TNA can pipe in all the canned noise of a full 10,000 seat arena all you want it doesn’t matter. $34.95 please.

This is just a small smattering of things wrong with TNA PPVs and it is just a scratching the surface of what is wrong with TNA but I am running out of steam from cleaning up all the swearing and sexist remarks I had in my notes. Then point of all this and I am not sure I made it clear is that there is absolutely no reason to order a TNA PPV, ever. It is the same recycled, no heat, uninteresting people you see on free television every Thursday. Why waste $34.95 on something you can get for free and by that I mean pirate it. It is just like watching an episode of Impact but with an even worse quality than SD PPV.

Oh and also it was a good excuse to post links for naked chicks. Website hits have been down a bit.

$34.95 please. -Jeremy

10 Responses

  1. My God that was brilliant.

  2. You mean to tell me Gail Kim v Mickie James WITH Madison suspended in a cage isn’t worth $34.95? Wouldn’t you pay twice as much in the champagne room?

  3. Buy Memphis Heat with that money (as I just did) and let’s do an audio on that!

  4. If you want the $34.95, you better get the links right

  5. that was a good, hilarious blog. however, the same points u made about how bad tna is, i can say about wwe. the only difference is that wwe is a billion dollar corporation that put the work in during the late 90s into the turn of the century. they’re running unopposed.

    • Yeah Kevin and I discussed that a bit on Stunt Granny Audio #171. So check that out for the WWE side of it. But it really comes down to this being about TNA. I didn’t have the energy for WWE. -J

  6. […] Jeremy’s post about why pay for an Impact Wrestling pay per view and a small discussion amongst the staff, […]

  7. I think I’d pay 34.95 for this blog before I shelled it out for TNA… fucking hilarious.

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