Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #Raw

I wonder if anyone in Impact Wrestling will visit the Funky Buddha Lounge in London.

I got nothing for a picture right now so suck it. I’ll add it later when some theme pops in my head. It’s been a good day and a bad day. The first bad part was forgetting to post the Pro Wrestling Ohio show I reviewed yesterday. I’ll do it sometime tomorrow. Sorry guys. The new show is taped and more free time is around the bend with only one more football game left. I’ll keep up better with the free time. The other bad thing, my buddy Mittan is not coming up for the Machine Head concert tomorrow. And that’s my good news, I’m still going to see Machine Head tomorrow. They’re awesomeness. Let’s roll.

Why is Evan Bourne still in the opening montage? We start with Mr. Clobberin’ Time CM Punk. He is barely started and the crowd is eating out of his hand. Boos & cheers on command. Punk calls out Johnny Wooden GM but that call is answered by John Cena? Huh? Cena calls Johnny so that Zack Ryder can get a rematch and for his own match at the Royal Rumble. Johnny books a match between Ryder and Kane for tonight. Cena & Punk are wrestling to start the show. Interesting. Vickie Guerrero introduces Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger. Dolph tells Punk to worry about him and not Johnny. Why is Swagger getting the mic? Oh my goodness. Dead meat? That’s all he’s got? Even worse than I expected. Punk looks strange wrestling in his shorts.

My money is on Swagger taking the pin fall. Looks like I was wrong. Punk gets screwed again by Johnny. Punk wants Johnny to come out of retirement to take him on tonight. Johnny accepted but I’ve got an feeling there is going to be a trick up his shoulder. Cool tries to sell this as being cool. I don’t care that the GM can wrestle. It’ll be a terrible match if it happens. I don’t want executives playing any sport. I want athletes in a sport. Certain people are better at certain jobs.

Let’s see if this week is the one that we get a promo. Mitchell gives us a brief history of the Highlight Reel. Jericho tells us to wait as he goes backstage to grab a t shirt cannon. So there’s no speech this week. Jericho then operates the camera. I got nothing. We get a visual review of the Highlight Reel. People are still cheering. Bunch of sheep. Ah, Jericho predicts the end of the world as we know it at the Rumble. At least he’s not going to be a harbinger of the apocalypse.

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Headlines: HIV-positive wrestler sentenced, BJ Whitmer sucks, Shane Douglas HA HA sucks

BJ Whitmer, who spent his whole retirement fund on that Extreme Couture shirt and ripped jeans.

According to Prowrestling.net, HIV-positive former pro wrestler Andre Davis was sentenced to 32 years in prison for not telling sexual partners about his virus. Davis was sentenced in Hamilton Co., Ohio, and faces more charges in adjacent Butler and Warren counties. In Davis news, who cares? In other news, Iowa also has a Hamilton, Butler and Warren county. How about your state?

Also according to Prowrestling.net, BJ Whitmer is coming out of retirement to wrestle Jay Lethal at Ring of Honor’s February 17 event in Cincinnati, Ohio. For those of you who need a reminder, BJ Whitmer sucks balls, and no one cared that he was “retired;” we just assumed no promoter was stupid enough to book him. Of the two news stories based out of Ohio, I actually think hanger-on Whitmer is the bigger sad-sack.

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, Shane Douglas continues to release names who will take part in the Extreme Reunion event April 28 in Philadelphia at the Pennsylvania National Guard Armory. Douglas name-dropped Sabu, Sandman and Rhino, in addition to Raven, Jerry Lynn, The Gangstas, and Tracy Smothers. I’d love to attend the show, but I already have plans to cut my pony tail off, drink a 6-pack of Keystone Light that my brother bought me, and ask a freshman high school girl out to see “10 Things I Hate About You.” And then powerbomb all of my friends through tables. Learn more about the Extreme Reunion here, thanks to Jeremy. Hmmm, you know, I kinda wanna see Andre Davis vs. BJ Whitmer in a Taipei Death Match at this show, but that’s just me. -Eric

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