Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Defintely Half Assed Review of #Raw

I'm going to miss hating West Virginia.

I had to watch the end of the basketball game of which there may only be one more. Pitt didn’t fair too well in the football game this year so it’s important to sweep the hoops. It’s helping to get the Panthers on track too. After an 0-7 start in the Big East, things have gone to three straight wins including one over #9 Georgetown on Saturday. They’re my only hope for a spot in the tournament. Kent State is not too fancy this year even if they did beat these same scum bags from WVU in Morgantown. Let’s roll.

I got the pay per view last night but didn’t start watching until the Funkasaurus showed up. I actually had a date and couldn’t preorder the Royal Rumble. Much like Eric, I didn’t admit that I watched wrestling. Unlike Eric, I’m not getting married in a couple of months and still hiding it. (Another note should be made, my HD feed only airs once as far as I know. The time slot was 8-11 so I couldn’t catch the earlier matches with the replay.) Jeremy predicted earlier today that the Undertaker would interrupt HHH’s evaluation of Johnny Wooden GM. I haven’t checked Twitter so I have no idea if Johnny Wooden GM starting the show off means that Trips shows up now. He seems like he’d deserve the main event. (There’s some sarcasm in that one.) Johnny announces the participants for the Elimination Chamber. Is it safe to say that Punk retains or Jericho wins? I think so. Johnny is going for the crowd pop mode for matches. CM Punk appears. Punk goes for his own version of cheap pop by chanting “Goodbye.” Punk going insider and making fun of Mitchell Cool by telling Johnny he’s a dork. Johnny gets me to track a smile by trying to shake with Punk. Daniel Bryan shows up after Punk says he’s the Best In The World. What a surreal start to Raw. Who would have thought these three would start a Raw? Bryan reminds me of Jericho bragging when he beat the Rock & Steve Austin in the same night. Oh, they’re going all in for Bryan to be a heel. Punk calls for the best match in the world. Sheamus shows up. It’ll be nice to get this announcement out of the way. I started to make this argument last night about Sheamus who evidently is considered a surprise winner last night. I’m not sure why. Him being left off of the card last year at Wrestlemania is irrelevant to me. He’s been getting as big a reaction as anyone these days except for CM Punk. No announcement, just a threat. Someone is losing their title in the mean time then. Maybe both of them.

Randy Orton comes out, in my opinion, to a smaller pop than Sheamus. I’m just saying. Wade Barrett has the Sky Box “rented”. Please admit a bit more you can’t sell out arenas any more. My boy Dolph Ziggler comes out with Vickie Guerrero. Huh, Barrett & Orton are going at it on Smackdown? Seems like a PPV match to me. No reason for them to be in the Smackdown Elmination Chamber. Or have them be in there to beat the hell out of each other and essentially eliminate each other.

Dolph gets another commercial length match. It’s just awkward that Barrett is talking the whole match. Why not just have him come down to the desk? Matthews & the box seem superfluous. JerryLawler makes my argument as soon as I’m done typed. It’s so he can stay away from Orton. Ziggler jobs clean after getting in a solid amount of offense and kicking out of some of Orton’s bigger moves.

I love the fake room set up at the Rumble for Zack Ryder. Holy short segment Batman. Johnny shakes hands and they’re out again.

The Funkasaurus comes. They’ve started to pimp the ladies so it looks like they’re a permanent fixture. When do they start fighting over Clay because he’s their man? Tyler Reks gets to job today. More of the roster has been used as squash material for Clay than got used in the Rumble itself. Cool & Lawler are being awkward again with Mitchell pushing a babyface more than Jerry. Bryan gets to explain being a vegan. Punk is against being a role model. Kind of funny considering his preaching not that long ago.

CM Punk takes on Daniel Bryan for the mid-main event. Good to know that HHH is the main event. It’s got to support Jeremy’s prediction. Cool is starting to like Bryan. That’s one less awkward thing for the announcers to exchange. It was a problem on Smackdown too. The match is moving at the right pace as the commercial hits.

Punk busting out the seldom used head scissors take over. Nice sequence in between the missed head kick and the connected one by Bryan. Jericho drops the Code Breaker on Punk. I mean, you had to know this match was not ending clean. So Punk is keeping his title so that Jericho can high class job at Wrestlemania. Who does Sheamus take on then? The new announcement for the HOF is Iron Mike Tyson. Good call on this one. Wow, I was still at Kent and just getting back into wrestling when Tyson was at Wrestlemania 14. The TV graphics still kill me. It may as well have been 30 years ago.

R Truth is teased before the break. We find out that he’s on commentary. This could be a long segment. Kofi Kingston comes out first. New Youtube content. Shouldn’t that stuff wait for your new network? The Miz really wants to know about a hand stand. As noted last night, he’s going to brag about the length he stayed in. Cody Rhodes will do the same on Smackdown. Truth is as awkward as I expected. His rhetoric isn’t built for commentary. Kofi gets a win so that he can look like he deserves to be in the Elimination Chamber. Miz as the only high heel who can job again. David Otunga butters up Johnny Wooden GM.

I skipped the Rock‘s segment because I don’t care about his acting. I know he makes a lot more money there, but his movies pretty much all blow. Eve Torres is having a hard time concentrating on her match with Beth Phoenix. Glam Slam really quick, even for a Diva’s match. Kane shows up for Eve. I was expecting Kharma. Cena needs to embrace the hate or else Zack Ryder is going to keep getting his ass kicked. Kane shows up at ring side. John Cena makes the save. Weird that Cena is getting this segment. HHH loves himself. Or Undertaker is coming out. I’ll keep mentioning that. Cena is enjoying whacking Kane with the steel steps. The mic to the head always sounds cool. One elbow gets Kane out of the Attitude Adjustment.

Johnny gave himself a lot of fives in a self evaluation. HHH says that everyone’s down fall has been making decisions that were to personal. Trips was nice enough to include himself. Johnny tries to apologize to the crowd. HHH makes a dumb gauntlet threat. HHH busts out the Kiss My Ass Club. Johnny puts on chapstick and gets down on both knees. Trips rips on him. HHH can run Raw whenever he wants to. Just before HHH fires him, the gong hits. Good end. Even if I wasn’t the biggest fan of their match last year, HHH is the only one who can threaten the streak in any credible way. HHH is taking the pin none the less. HHH looks like he’s turning down the match. Nice intrigue to add to the story. -Kevin

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