Oh yes: Chris Hero added to FCW roster under the name Kassius Ohno

(L to R) The yet-to-be-hired Ricky Steamboat, Jr., Kassius Ohno, the soon-to-be-fired Evan Bourne, the smaller-than-Evan-Bourne PAC.

According to Prowrestling.net, Chris Hero, indy darling who finally signed on with WWE after months of medical clearances and haggling with Triple H about cutting his ratty hair, has been added to the Florida Championship Wrestling roster under the name Kassius Ohno.

Look, WWE, we’re not stupid. We know you enjoy renaming wrestlers whose characters you didn’t create as a doodle on your seamstress’ sketchpad while Cranky Vince McMahon tried to finger her – with CM Punk being one of very few exceptions. And you love using the lesser-known aliases of ex-WWE wrestlers or other recognizable athletes – Santino Marella after Bob “Gorilla Monsoon” Marella, Khosrow Daivari after Khosrow “Iron Sheik” Vasiri, and the one that I’m sure kept you up all night, Kenny Dykstra after Lenny Dykstra. I even offered a few names for Hero at the PWTorch.com VIP Forum:

Parker Peter
Bruce Bannnnner
Bruce Mitchell
Bruce Sammartino
Braden Walker
Chris Weiner
Chris Doubledeedoo
Chris Morneau
Chris Kennedy (if he’s smart, he’ll pick that, then cut his hair)

But Kassius Ohno takes the fucking cake. This may be the most bizarre name a white man on the WWE roster has ever had. Is it a play on Cassius Clay, the current Muhammad Ali? He’d be touched. Is it a play off former WCW stereotype Sonny Onoo? He’d be touched, if you gave him $500 and a ride from Mason City, Iowa, to Albert Lea, Minn. So let’s save a post and allow me to wish Ohno the best in his future 2013 endeavors. -Eric

"Hey, nip me, pay me!"

UPDATE: Jeremy just asked me, “Is ‘Ohno’ even an Asian name?” That caused me to think of Apolo Ohno, the speed or figure skater, whatever he is. In pop culture, Ohno is a revered sporting name that will go down in the annals of athletic history with Wepner, Strawberry and Beefcake. In pro wrestling, a slight alteration of the spelling makes me think of the weaselly, photo-snapping tourist. To-may-to, to-mah-to.

3 Responses

  1. lol @ Chris Weiner.

    My favorite was Iron Shiek to General Adnan (or whatever that was). Talk about Vinny just thinking we are complete morons..jeesh.

  2. Nah, they admitted it was him. They just said that the name was different because Saddam Hussein thought so highly of him, he appointed him colonel.

  3. Really? Man, I’m losing it. (As if that wasn’t obvious from me getting his name wrong . I just remember his debut and the announcers acted dumb, as if they had never seen him before.

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