Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of #Raw

The Road to Wrestlemania starts today.

So I’m starting Raw late because I’m rewatching the Elimination Chamber. I’ve fastforwarded through most of John Cena versus Kane. There was more filler in this match than I thought. Booker is also playing up Cena being uber-happy. I don’t how positive a person you are (pointing a finger at myself) there comes a time when things just aren’t going well. An easy example for me would be my divorce. Was it a good thing? Hell yes. Did it still drag me down? Hell yes. Cena should have gotten down a bit more in parts of this angle, especially the ones involving Zack Ryder. Time for Raw. Let’s roll.

We get replay of said angle. Every single sad shot is show to prove that I’m an ass. Actually, they’re still wrong. Eve is talking to the Bellas. Eve used Zack Ryder to get popularity. Eve is going to use John Cena too. Um, how about not doing this on TV? Or when John Cena is right behind you. Why did you turn Eve? What the fuck? I mean, she’s inconsequential so why spend the beginning of your biggest show to her? I’m confused. Cena comes to the ring after the intro. Eve comes down and tries to apologize. I’m even more confused now. Cena tells her to wait for the Rock because they’re scandilous bitches. She’s the Rock’s proxy? What the hell is the point of your main babyface running down a ho? Who’s Wheaties did she pee in?

The newest vignette for Taker says that HHH‘s fate will be sealed tonight. Hooray. Sheamus takes on Mark Henry after the break. Mitchell Cool rehashing Henry being suspended. Jerry Lawler correctly pointing out that Henry being bribed for his vote. I just said something positive about Lawler. Nice Funkasaurus Extinct? sign. Why is Cool cheering on the flying shoulder block? Why? So it just dawned on me during their Twitter blow job, did they have that angle just so Ryder & Cena can be friends? Still a colossal mistake for an opening segment. Sheamus gets out of the World’s Strongest Slam and nails Henry with the Brogue Kick. Johnny Wooden GM & David Otunga are talking about themselves. Teddy Long stops by for some business. They’re not brands. Johnny may be taller, but Teddy rocks suits so much better. David Otunga gets a match against anyone on Smackdown.

The Rock returns next week. But he’s never going to leave the WWE again. That joke won’t get old for me. Sorry if you’re groaning. R Truth & Kofi Kingston are back on the tag circuit against Rosa Mendes with Epico & Primo. Kofi is on a roll when Rosa distracts him. Kofi counters out of the Back Stabber and nails Trouble in Paradise. Undercard filler.

Not quite caught up. But DAMN! what a great inductee. Ron Simmons was one of my favorites starting back with Butch Reed & Teddy Long. Oh, my buddy Ken & I dressed as the KPA at one of my bro’s parties. Keg Protection Agency. We get more replay of Elimination Chamber. Chris Jericho is with Josh Matthews. He was knocked out. He was legally eliminated. Jericho trying to get heat but people cheer. Jericho vows to win the battle royal. Of course you will.

David Otunga gets to take on Ezekiel Jackson. We get to find out how far in the dog house Jackson is. Otunga gives Zeke a Simmons like spinebuster. Cool gets to have camera time to cheer on Johnny. This replay involves last week’s Raw. Nice break from the EC. It’s about HHH & Shawn Michaels. Taker is next.

I grab a beer while Taker comes to the ring. I also started my potato and cauliflower mash. Taker wants to end the uncertainty. He was surprised by the no. I hear apocalypse and HHH not having a choice. Sure. Par for the course. If HHH is reformed, shouldn’t he have new music? HHH tells Taker to carry the torch for the next generation. He doesn’t want to kill Taker. HHH tells Taker he knows he’s at the end of his rope. Taker pulls out the coward card. Not quite a punk card. HHH gets angry then restrains himself. HHH still says no and leaves the ring. Cool camera shot with Taker and HHH being shown on the video screen. Taker plunks down the punk card by saying HHH can’t do it as good as Shawn Michaels. HHH knows he can finish it. The crowd chants “Prove It”. I so wanted HHH to turn him down. The crowd pops huge for the announcement. HHH will face him but only in the Hell In A Cell. I can’t believe that won’t be the main event. Taker doesn’t take the hood off. Save the surprise for later.

Daniel Bryan gets to come out and brag for a bit. Then he gets to job Santino in no time flat. John Cena gets more air time to talk about the Rock. OK, why exactly did you do that opening segment again?

Say weren’t you just on the cover of Maxim Kelly Kelly is tagging with Aksana against the Bellas. Twin magic before I browse the top Tweets after Cool mentions it. Why did they need twin magic?

John Cena has a real beef with Dwayne Johnson because he is all Hollywood. Cena got booed for bringing up truths. Cena is proud for not having left. Vince is going to fine Cena for saying Rock wanted to hype Fast 5 and launch his Twitter account. Don’t get too backstage John! Cena is going to need to die for him to lose to the Rock. I liked the promo even if it’s the same theme. No matter how many times he gets booed for pointing out the obvious, he’s right. Still.

They pimp Live Super Smackdown (Hey why didn’t that happen in Cbus?) before introducing CM Punk who will be commentating the Battle Royal. I love the old school jacket. Punk goofs on Cool for getting camel hair trending. Cool tries to goof on Punk’s taste while complimenting the Light Bright jacket. Punk is clowning Cool. Everyone teams up on the Great Khali to eliminate him first. Then they go to commercial.

Nothing happening during the break. Punk does a better job reintroducing the show than any announcer could. The Miz gets eliminated next. Big Show chokes slams Kofi & R Truth which sets off a wave of finishers. Santino eliminates Barrett then Truth. Dolph Ziggler takes a header onto the announce table by way of Big Show. I don’t think Scott Armstrong is pretending with the X. That looked terrible. Kofi is a big idiot and jumps to the top rope and gets pushed out. The final four is Santino, Cody Rhodes, Chris Jericho & Big Show. The three small guys attack Big Show. It appears as if Wade is getting most of the real help. Yikes, Lawler is probably right about his arm being broken. Rhodes eliminates Santino. Rhodes & Jericho are dumber than Kofi trying to suplex Big Show. He tosses Cody Rhodes. Jericho holds on to Show’s head. Cody Rhodes helps Jericho win. Rhodes & Big Show in some fashion is surely a go. Wade Barrett may be out no matter what his plans were. Punk offers his hand, Jericho turns him down. Nice. -Kevin

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