Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #Smackdown

I'm pumped for the beginning of the season tomorrow. Thanks to for the picture.

The Columbus Crew starts their season tomorrow at the Colorado Rapids. I’m excited for the season. I’ve gone to as many games as possible since I moved here which happened to be the same year the MLS started play. (Edit: The Crew started playing at Crew Stadium when I moved here. It’s the seventeenth season of MLS. Two different things. As usual, I’m an idiot.) I’m extra excited this year because I have season tickets. If you want to check out some reports, give my friend Patrick Guldan and his band of writers at Massive Report a view. Most of you have probably read more about soccer in the above paragraph than you will the rest of the year. I’ll finally get to wrestling. Let’s roll.

Johnny Wooden GM kicks off the show with a cage match between Santino Marella and Jack Swagger. Nothing happens until Santino tries to escape. Swagger turns him into a lawn dart. My boy Dolph gets tossed from ring side at the commercial break. Swagger still has the Johnny mock hair cut. Never sure why people try to go over the cage. It’s so much easier to go out the door. I’d be fine with the stipulation that you can’t win by going thru the door to cover that loop hole. Vickie accidently nails Swagger, Santino gets the duke. They’re either trying to protect Swagger or make Santino look weak. I’m not sure why they’re doing the former and it’s dumb to do the later. Mitchell Cool calls himself Walter Cronkite. Unfortunately, Josh & T don’t call him out on his way outdated reference. Cool does it all the time. He should get his verbal beating.

We get replay of the ending. Again. And more Johnny & Otunga, aren’t we lucky? Johnny threatens Kane vs Aksana. Um, why didn’t Teddy argue how bad it’d look to the board to have a 300+ pound man against a woman? Granted, the board is a bunch of dolts. If Teddy wins, Aksana wrestles Kane. Is he trying to look horrendous to the board?

After FF thru the UT/HHH/Michaels, I’m already thirty six minutes into the show. I’m only twenty minutes behind now. Chances are good I catch up soon. Drew McIntyre is here because of Johnny Wooden GM. He’s going to get his job back if he beats a jobber. Oh, it’s the Great Khali. Three little kids like him, they’re the only ones the camera men can find. Otunga introduces McIntyre’s real opponent, Hornswoggle. Johnny got the opener right but he’d be fired in any real job for the remainder of the program. Drew pulls Hornswoggle’s shoulders off the mat. The ref does the right thing and calls the match. Again, stressing how bad this decision is to the board, why would they like someone to be rehired who can’t match their salary? Teddy is lacing up his boots. Aksana pleads to him. Teddy is going to teach Johnny a lesson.

Johnny is warming up in the back. Mr. Excitement is living up to the mock nickname. Ezekiel Jackson is taking on Mark Henry. Zeke gets to stay a jobber. They talk up Henry’s accomplishments in power lifting.

Johnny with Otunga is set to take on Teddy with Aksana. When is the switch happening to Kane vs Teddy? Johnny tries to talk sense into Teddy. Why are neither Booker or Josh arguing how bad this would look to the board? Dumbasses. Orton RKOs Kane. Teddy rolls up Johnny and gets the win. Teddy & Aksana flee. They do the smart thing and leave the arena. Kane is still down after a single move. Pretty dumb in its own regard.

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Kevin’s Blog: A Day Late & A Dollar Short Review of #ImpactWrestling

I'm a picky bastard sometimes.

I’m going to put this post in but then do the review later. I want everything to be in order of TV time but I want to play on Twitter while reviewing Smackdown. So, we get a placeholder. I’m a bit surprised the dogs are sleeping already. An early turn in for them. I’ll roll later. It’s time to roll, but I’ll be taking breaks to watch The Ultimate Fighter. Let’s roll. Officially.

Garrett Bischoff is cool because he drives a jeep with no top and wears aviator sunglasses. It is a really strange story and I have no idea why you start the show with it. Eric Bischoff & Gunner come out to Ric Flair‘s music. Eric gets to yap. I tune out. Kurt Angle is teaming with Gunner. Taz asks the dumbest question on the planet. Who is Garrett going to choose as a partner? Hmm, maybe the guy feuding with Angle. Angle yaps. I tune out. The crowd chants “Hardy”. See Taz, that’s how obvious it is. Sting makes me laugh by being in partial black face in front of the mirror. Even Eric Young looks at him strange. EY asks for his permission. I’m not sure what the hell is happening? Why did Sting forget EY’s name? What the fuck? Sting goes back to talking to the mirror. It kept my attention better than Eric or Kurt. Still didn’t make a lick of sense.

Eric Young & ODB got a title bout with Gail Kim & Madison Rayne. The Women’s Tag Titles are an unnecessary albatross. The dumb announcers didn’t listen to the crowd and wonder again who will team with Garrett. That’s as dumb as Josh & Booker not calling out Mitchell Cool on Smackdown. EY gets the hot tag. So Madison nails EY with the title belt and he falls on Kim for the victory. I hope this put the titles to sleep. EY offers ODB a ring and they go to commercial. That’s supposed to keep me hooked? Really? Really? Really?

The crowd is into it, chanting “Say yes”. ODB ends up putting the ring on EY. The comedy side of their act is good. The wrestling part is, um, woof. Joseph Park looks like a fat guy in a suit. Bully Ray tells Storm he’s not making it to Lockdown. He threatens Sting. Austin Aries reads his email from Sting. Looks like he had a Droid X. Nice choice. Aries wonders why they’re throwing away a money match on free TV. He’s going to take his talents to South Beach. Good stuff from both guys.

Zema Ion comes out to fight Austin Aries for the title. This isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Aries is playing the face. He’s been doing too good of a job. OK, my cuts to The Ultimate Fighter are now over. I’m hoping this will move along now. Aries ends up using the hair spray on Ion to cause the DQ. That’s one way to get them to the PPV. They didn’t give much away. Still a really dumb idea. Joseph Park talks to Velvet Sky. He asks about Abyss because he’s his “brother”. Dear lord, it’s a Abyss cleaned up. Didn’t recognize that earlier. Getting him away from that character could help him. He’d need to improve in the ring still.

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