Kevin’s Blog: A Day Late & A Dollar Short Review of #ImpactWrestling

I'm a picky bastard sometimes.

I’m going to put this post in but then do the review later. I want everything to be in order of TV time but I want to play on Twitter while reviewing Smackdown. So, we get a placeholder. I’m a bit surprised the dogs are sleeping already. An early turn in for them. I’ll roll later. It’s time to roll, but I’ll be taking breaks to watch The Ultimate Fighter. Let’s roll. Officially.

Garrett Bischoff is cool because he drives a jeep with no top and wears aviator sunglasses. It is a really strange story and I have no idea why you start the show with it. Eric Bischoff & Gunner come out to Ric Flair‘s music. Eric gets to yap. I tune out. Kurt Angle is teaming with Gunner. Taz asks the dumbest question on the planet. Who is Garrett going to choose as a partner? Hmm, maybe the guy feuding with Angle. Angle yaps. I tune out. The crowd chants “Hardy”. See Taz, that’s how obvious it is. Sting makes me laugh by being in partial black face in front of the mirror. Even Eric Young looks at him strange. EY asks for his permission. I’m not sure what the hell is happening? Why did Sting forget EY’s name? What the fuck? Sting goes back to talking to the mirror. It kept my attention better than Eric or Kurt. Still didn’t make a lick of sense.

Eric Young & ODB got a title bout with Gail Kim & Madison Rayne. The Women’s Tag Titles are an unnecessary albatross. The dumb announcers didn’t listen to the crowd and wonder again who will team with Garrett. That’s as dumb as Josh & Booker not calling out Mitchell Cool on Smackdown. EY gets the hot tag. So Madison nails EY with the title belt and he falls on Kim for the victory. I hope this put the titles to sleep. EY offers ODB a ring and they go to commercial. That’s supposed to keep me hooked? Really? Really? Really?

The crowd is into it, chanting “Say yes”. ODB ends up putting the ring on EY. The comedy side of their act is good. The wrestling part is, um, woof. Joseph Park looks like a fat guy in a suit. Bully Ray tells Storm he’s not making it to Lockdown. He threatens Sting. Austin Aries reads his email from Sting. Looks like he had a Droid X. Nice choice. Aries wonders why they’re throwing away a money match on free TV. He’s going to take his talents to South Beach. Good stuff from both guys.

Zema Ion comes out to fight Austin Aries for the title. This isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Aries is playing the face. He’s been doing too good of a job. OK, my cuts to The Ultimate Fighter are now over. I’m hoping this will move along now. Aries ends up using the hair spray on Ion to cause the DQ. That’s one way to get them to the PPV. They didn’t give much away. Still a really dumb idea. Joseph Park talks to Velvet Sky. He asks about Abyss because he’s his “brother”. Dear lord, it’s a Abyss cleaned up. Didn’t recognize that earlier. Getting him away from that character could help him. He’d need to improve in the ring still.

Bully Ray wants to be named #1 contender so he calls out Sting. Sting acts crazy and gives Bully a shot at Bobby Roode. Match happens after the break. That’s a better hook than the proposal. Roode tells Sting he’s crazy backstage. Roode does the full on coward.The poor dumb announcers have to sell the mystery partner of Bischoff again. I forgot that it is a surprise. I didn’t read any recaps but I saw it on Twitter. James Storm chases off Bully Ray. He then super kicks Roode. Man, that match was going somewhere. I’m bummed it got interrupted. Garrett knows that the stakes are high. Garrett is not spilling the beans on his partner.

Crimson & Matt Morgan are talking like a bunch of girls when Joseph Park shows up. He asks about Abyss again. Crimson tries to play the bigger man then insults Morgan. Christy Hemme is still really, really hot. Yeah, I’m a brain surgeon. Robbie E & Robbie T are wearing pink sweaters. Yikes. Taz points out Crimson & Morgan’s old rivalry. It’s better to split them up. Robbie T looks like he’s moved to an OK wrestler now. Morgan gets the hot tag annihilates Robbie E. Crimson tags in to make the pin. I guess they’re waiting for the PPV to break them up. AJ Styles gets it. He looks like a giant douche bag. He knows how to handle Daniels & Kazarian. Mysterious!

Gunner & Kurt Angle say mean stuff. Styles gets more replay material. AJ talks about his friends & enemies. Daniels said that Styles friendship has only caused him heart ache. Kazarian says that Styles is the root of his own problems. OK, Hardy is Garrett’s partner. AJ is teaming with Mr. Anderson. He looks to be buffed up. That wouldn’t be hard considering his gut was bigger than his chest last I saw him.

Oh no, title belt guy! You’re a champion of shit bags. Gunner & Kurt Angle come out first. I’m not FF because I want to hear these morons respond to the Hardy reveal the crowd chanted for to start the show. They show how unsurprised they are by barely reacting. I’d dig the new version of face paint if he didn’t do the fake eyes. The poor dumb announcers can’t condone aligning themselves with Garrett. It’s so dumb. Kurt & Jeff are selling way too much, too early in this match. Jeff still selling when they go to commercial. Garrett shouldn’t be able to take this kind of sustained beating so Hardy selling isn’t bad. That’s a separate issue from the early selling. Bischoff is taking the Angle bait to not make the tag. Garrett is not very good. I had no real impression of him before. I swear I haven’t seen him with even that much in ring time before. Swanton for the victory. Night kids. -Kevin

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