Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of #Raw

Jeremy is going to have to settle for a clean basement.

There’s some big news on Prowrestling.net that Jeremy wanted me to get to since it applies to Pro Wrestling Ohio. I will but this puppy is going up first. I’ll start that after Raw is over. Good thing there’s no new Hawaii Five-O to distract me. Jeremy is settling for a clean basement because him & his woman are setting up shop in the fine city of Columbus for Wrestlemania. It should be a drunken good time. At least they won’t have to look at the washer and dryer since they have their own room.Oh well, it’s time for the show. Let’s roll.

I can’t believe they sold out the Q. There will not be that many people at Smackdown tomorrow here. Jerry Lawler gets the honors of introing a douche-tastic John Cena who is pandering to the fans with a Cavs jersey and the old chain. At least he went with a Mark Price jersey. I was OK with it. The facials and his personal presentation stunk. Going back to the sell out, if we got Rock, Michaels & the Undertaker, I’d imagine Nationwide Arena would be sold out. We’re so going to get hosed. Vickie Guerrero introduces Dolph Ziggler. Interesting to open the show without fifteen minutes of babble. He gets to play jobber for a bit longer since he’s taking on Sheamus. Nothing happened before the commercial.

My boy Dolph is getting in some offense after a nice sneaky move under the ring. Josh Matthews gets to interview Daniel Bryan. He asks about telling AJ to shut up. AJ looks scared to say she wasn’t fine with it. They should wait until later to break them up. Something weird happened with Sheamus’s finisher. Ziggler turns it into a pinning attempt but the weirdness was after. They recovered nicely. The Brogue Kick has turned into his RKO. He can hit it out of nowhere. The twelve man tag match that Eric talked about below is officially announced on TV.

We get GM replay of Smackdown. Johnny Wooden GM is in the announce booth. Santino Marella comes out with Aksana. He is named Team Teddy’s captain. Evidently it’s a mixed tag match. Johnny makes it a handicapped match with Mark Henry teaming with David Otunga. Mitchell Cool tries to make a case for Johnny. Seriously, why would the board want him in his position? Why leave that in the hands of wrestlers who have nothing to do with the situation? Would an NFL team let their players determine who the next head coach is? Kofi Kingston tried to make the save. R Truth tried to make the save. When is Khali coming out? I hope the Miz is better on Psych than John Cena was.

The Bellas and Alicia Fox were on Extra with Maria Menounos. Eve has her tits hanging out. Zack Ryder is just realizing that she is playing him. She wants to be friends with benefits. Beth Phoenix wanted to be on Extra. Beth blurts out Eve’s plan. My cable gacks up so I have no idea the last thing Eve said to Beth. The Miz tries to talk to Johnny while he’s on the phone. He gets to intro James Roday. The Miz wants to be on Team Johnny. Roday is going to be a guest ring announcer. The Miz is taking on CM Punk. Evidently the Funkasaurus is back. When do they take him back off TV?

Jinder Mahal is the poor sap who gets to lose to the returning Funkasaurus. OK, There’s no way he improved any of those moves in the time he’s been off. Does the crowd seem dead for him or is it just me?

MGK is from Cleveland and supplied one of song to Wrestlemania. I can’t believe that dumbo has a tattoo of North 71. Driving from here to there it’s one of the most boring stretches of highway I’ve ever driven. It only gets worse when you head west and the land gets more flat. I enjoy driving thru mountains. Shawn Michaels gets to rehash HHH insulting him. He calls out the Undertaker. Shawn accuses him of talking behind his back. Taker says HHH planted the rumors. Taker doesn’t want Shawn’s ego to screw up the match. I’m not sure if Shawn is right in his ironic stance. Taker threatens to “End” Michaels. What do they do for hype for this match for the next two Raws? No dome reveal for Taker. HHH meets Michaels on the ramp. They stare. HHH then stares at Taker. Crotch chop.

James Roday does a great job introducing The Miz. Justin Roberts is happy that Roday already has a better job. The Miz’s new shirt is terrible. You’d think a fashion conscience guy would realize his merch would move better if it weren’t crap. CM Punk does a great job with his t shirts. Nothing happens before the break. Wow, the Miz barely got some offense. Punk gets him to tap to the Anaconda Vice. Chris Jericho and his oversized coat says he found a dirty secret about Punk. He tells the crowd he’s straight edge because Punk’s dad is an alcoholic. It’s in his jeans to drink. Weird. Punk is acting concerned. Jericho is going to make him drink by taking the title at Wrestlemania.

The David Otunga cheesy attorney commercial is pretty funny. Good mocking. Randy Orton comes out. No one has told Jack Swagger his new hair style sucks.  Orton is whooping ass at the commercial break. That’s something different tonight. Vickie screaming “That’s not fair” is funny. Swagger getting more love than I expected. Nice touch with Orton looking around to make sure Kane isn’t coming. Almost immediately after I type that, Randy turns it on and clobbers Swagger. Kane’s pyro goes off & lights come one but he doesn’t show. Lawler sells the Rock concert again.

The Rock‘s entrance is boring. It’s starting to remind me of Jericho from not that long ago with no talking. He said something about a Teletubby. Oh, Vanilla Ice plus Teletubby = John Cena. Wow, that was terrible. The song is pretty funny. I would say it’s ironic that the Rock is busting on a white rapper when there’s a white rapper from Cleveland in your crowd who is supplying a song to Wrestlemania. Now the Rock is dragging it out. That’s been his other problem in his return. He rambles on and on. Know when to stop. Of course, these segments are watched by an extra 200,000 so it shouldn’t receive criticism. (That’s some serious dose of sarcasm.) And we’re at an extra five minutes. The Rock has one more song in store. It’s a “We Will Rock You” cover song with different verses. The Rock can barely remember them even though he’s reading them off the Titantron. -Kevin

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2 Responses

  1. If Mitchell says ‘attitudinal’ one more time, I’m gonna kick something.

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