Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #iMPACTWrestling

How is this not part of the Pie Shops collection?

In less than twenty four hours, one Jeremy Maes and his lady friend will be in Columbus to kick off a weekend of shenanigans for Wrestlemania. It’s not quite being there but we’re hoping to do more on the site. The Hall of Fame being on Monday isn’t going to help in the content department. In the mean time, I’ll bring you some coverage that isn’t the WWE. Let’s roll.

It appears as if I missed nothing last week in regards to Hulk Hogan. Dixie Carter said he has until the main event (I’m guessing) to make his choice. Bobby Roode comes down to the ring with his legal adviser and security. Why are they not called lawyers in wrestling? As I ask, Roode calls him a lawyer. The security is to help James Storm, who naturally comes out after Roode tells him not to. Glad Storm called them mall cops. Storm gets ambushed by Bully Ray. Nothing much happens except Roode fleeing. Storm challenges them both to a match. What is it with the TNA stars going two on one? AJ Styles just made the same dumb mistake. Madison Rayne sits down with Gail Kim. Gail got her a tiara to make up for their rough month. They seem to make up. Cool deal. They’re better as a team.

Christy Hemme is introducing people from the crowd for some reason. The boy beside her hasn’t hit puberty because he isn’t staring at her fabulous tits. Madison is taking on Velvet Sky. For some reason, the Hulk & Dixie segment is next. Velvet is expanding her offense but she still doesn’t seem smooth. Velvet stole HHH’s finisher! Ha. Whatever. It was a modified Pedigree. Makes sense to go face versus heel. Hemme interviews Velvet. She never got her rematch. For some reason, the camera man focuses on Velvet’s stomach as she makes the belt gesture. Woof.

Bully Ray uses BFF for the second time in a couple of minutes. He gives a unification speech. Dixie & Hulk met on a park bench with a camera man acting like a peeping Tom. They said the cameras were there so why would they act like that? I want to punch the camera man. Or the director. Dixie wants Hogan to fix his mistakes. Why is he her only option? Lots of people can run companies. Bring in Shane McMahon. He’s not on WWE TV. I feel like they should have aired this before Dixie said the same thing at the top of the show. We get Crimson and Matt Morgan review. They’re up next.

Kurt Angle has been downgraded to a TNA shirt. Kurt thinks Jeff Hardy is a cry baby. He’ll give him a rematch if he beats Ken Anderson tonight. Taz says Angle lost his mind. Nice way of saying that promo sucked and they should have reshot it. Austin Aries comes down because people are doing what they want. He rips on Bully Ray. He is mad at him because Ray attacked him during his match. The director goes to a shot of the back of a fan’s head. Brilliant. He respects James Storm. Wow, they’re going in full force with a baby face turn for him. I don’t like that at all. Matt Morgan comes out first. I’m still wondering why this isn’t a PPV match. Commercial break.

The match between Morgan and Crimson started before they came back. They have made some terrible decisions tonight. It had barely started. Why not wait? TNA makes a good decision and goes with a double count out for them.

Joseph Park is in the video truck. Or room. They’re not at a real arena. He’s still wondering where Abyss is. Maybe he’s been there all night and that’s why the camera work & directing has been shitty. Oh no, a James Storm song. It’s going to make my ears bleed. As I forget about this while playing on Twitter. I’ve realized the show hasn’t been too bad aside from terrible camera/director stuff. Kurt Angle low blows Jeff Hardy while the referee is distracted with Ken Anderson. Mic Check and  a win for Anderson. Oh goody, music video time. I’m not even going to pretend. I hate country music. Is this good for country? Dixie arrives. Eric Bischoff next!

ODB and Eric Young are at the wedding planners. This segment is funny. ODB is ready to take the planner out. She just kicks her out. ODB suggests getting married in a steel cage. Bischoff comes out.I miss the boring part of the promo to grab Girl Scout cookies. Garrett comes out. He makes the same threat he’s made before. He wants Garrett to take Gunner at Lockdown. Garrett calls him a jack ass. But he says basically the same thing he’s been saying for this whole feud. I’m fine with them bringing him on board, but Jeremy and I were talking last week. He made me realize he has gotten way to much time and rub. Let him work his way up after this instead of having Sting, Hogan and others around.

They have a James Storm training video. Storm talks about Beer Money. I really dug that. I like the country boy work out. Bully Ray comes to the ring. Bobby Roode. Taz rightfully pointed out that Hemme is wearing a smoking outfit tonight. It’s pretty much slutty Catholic school girl. Austin Aries. Storm is the last one out. Nice start to the match with Bully Ray chickening out and Roode doing the same by attacking Aries before he can tag in Storm. Aries is still doing the rest in the corner. OK, I can be talked into him as a face if he keeps acting like an ass. They advertise the Motor City Machine Guns coming back next week. Good idea. The crowd is hot after Aries stops the beat down. Hot tag to Storm. He fixates on Roode too much and gets hit by Bully Ray. Roode spits beer in Ray’s face then pushes him into a Last Call Superkick. Nice lay out to the match.

Hogan is ready to close the book on his wrestling career. Sting comes out with a bunch of wrestlers in support of Hogan. The baby faces on this bloated roster could make this look like a nice crowd. They have not used much of the talent tonight. Hogan needs Sting to watch his back. Hogan accepts. No brainer but why not stretch it a little bit? Two weeks is an appropriate time frame. Not like the WWE trying to make a Raw GM answer. -Kevin

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