Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of #Wrestlemania

It’s been a crazy weekend. We’ve had lots of good food. We’ve had lots of good beer. Just not enough to be hung over which is a good thing. I’m still running around trying to make my world famous meatballs and tomato sauce. I’m finally ready as Justin Roberts announces, hold on, let’s roll.

Sheamus is the first man out. Glad Jeremy & I called this match. Of course, I think we both picked different guys to win. Mitchell Cool still doing the turn around on Daniel Bryan. We get our first bell 10 minutes into the match. Fucking really? I picked Sheamus but this is ridiculous. That’s not going to be much of a coronation of Sheamus into the main event. Team Johnny skit with the Miz acting like the leader. The rest of them ignore him. Johnny Wooden GM is looking pretty sharp. Why not go with the horn rimmed glasses and look more like Colonel Sanders?

I imagine I’ll get to type more this match. It’s Kane versus Randy Orton. Why did they show that replay? It looked like Kane barely kicked him. Orton gets some offense. I’m starting to realize I need to do more play by play than normal. No real angles will develop for me to riff on. The crowd chants “DDT”. First signs of life since the way too short match. The Best Honeymoon sign is a riot. I hope it’s true. Choke slam and for some reason Kane acts like a bitch after Orton kicks out. Second rope choke slam gets Kane the victory. I’m a big surprised. Pretty sure I picked Orton.

Mick Foley, Santino and Captain Keith. I haven’t watched Deadliest Catch in three or four years. We get a Ron Simmons appearance. Somewhat funny. We get review of Cody Rhodes and the Big Show. At least Rhodes picked a new outfit for Wrestlemania. Rhodes is wearing real knee pads. The Big Show is on offense to start the match. Rhodes doing a good job of going low on Show. Rhodes drops off the top rope to snap Show’s arm. Big show gets in a weak spear to avert a second Disaster kick. WMD for the IC Title change. Whoopee.

Beth Phoenix looks ridiculous with that head dress. Awful choice. Eve looks good. I missed Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos coming in. I don’t care. KK is taking it to Eve but for some reason tags in Maria. Beth finally gets her hands on Maria but only bear hugs her. Isn’t she more pissed at her than to doa bear hug? I know she’s working over the broken ribs but it looks weak. Maria kicks Eve out of the ring after she gloats. Beth backs off of KK’s hot tag. Stupid. That was a gutsy but stupid senton like move by KK. Kelly counters into a bulldog. At least it wasn’t a roll up for the win. Maria gets a the horse shit roll up for a win.

Cool stadium shot when they went outside of it for Taker‘s entrance. His get up looks normal. Glad I got in here for possibly the bald reveal. Is that supposed to be intimidating? A baby mohawk? Stay shaved at least. I missed HHH‘s entrance. Who cares. Ah fuck me. I lost the review of the start of the match. Anyway, Jeremy & I are enjoying this one so far. Taker had the early advantage. HHH is getting in the offense now. Shawn Michaels is getting more involved verbally with Taker. The sledge hammer shot doesn’t do in Taker. Shawn takes the sledge hammer away from HHH before he can squash his head like a grape. Taker locks Hell’s Gate on Michaels. HHH nails Taker with the sledge hammer. Taker low blows HHH. Taker locks in Hell’s Gate on HHH. Michaels is out. HHH slumps over. Charles Robinson comes down to unlock the cage. Chokeslam by Taker, HHH kick out of course. Robinson gets choke slammed. Super kick by Michaels. Pedigree. Kick out. Awesome. HHH pitches Shawn out of the ring. Taker is all over the offense. Tombstone. Shawn makes it back into the ring. Kick out. I like Michaels cowering in the corner. Second pedigree. Wow, that was close. Another kick out. The WWE gets going to shots of people not doing anything. HHH grabs the sledge hammer. Taker nabs a chair. They follow up with a good shot of Taker stepping on the sledge hammer. Shawn is starting to show concern for HHH as Taker assaults him with a chair. Worst cover ever. No one thought it’d end after a conversation. HHH makes us laugh with his pug impersonation. Crotch chop. Sledge hammer shot by Taker. Michaels has his back to proceedings. Tombstone. Three count. Awesome match. I tossed my tomato sauce onto my meatballs during post match happenings. I came back in here just in time to see the group hug on the stage.

Josh Matthews gets to interview Heath Slater after talking about Flo Rida. Heath suggests a duet. Then other stuff. Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins get a pay check. Whichever Bella is for Team Johnny announces the team. This match is getting dumped on. Nikki is announcing Team Teddy. At least Teddy Long is matching his team color. It’s at least in the same family. The wrestlers all look bad for wearing their team shirts. Drew McIntyre is getting killed by the Great Khali and Booker T. I wasn’t sure about eliminations or not but Cool called it a tag team match. Definitely one pin fall. There is so much going on at ringside. It looks like a zoo when they go to the far out shot. Johnny Wooden GM did go with the power tie in his team color. Team Johnny gets tossed from the ring. Hornswoggle gets used as a lawn dart. The ladies get involved at ring side with most of the guys down. Cobra for a near fall. Color me surprised. Zack Ryder gets into the match.  Crazy monkey flip. Eve costs Ryder and Team Teddy the match. The Miz remains “undefeated” at Wrestlemania.

Johnny Wooden GM warns CM Punk that if he gets disqualified, he loses the title. Chris Jericho comes out with a jacket that is still three sizes too large for him. Get one that fits you. I’m begging! I’m also going to request that he stops putting sparkles on his tights and boots. They’re already playing up the DQ finish. Punk going for the elbow too early. Jericho rolls out of the ring but eats a clothesline anyway. Why is Punk getting this wound up this early? Shouldn’t they be milking this angle later in the match? Of course as soon Jericho turns it around, Scott Armstrong forgets about five counts to break stuff up. If you’re going to play up this angle, you need to be consistent with both competitors. Ballsy move with a suplex out of the ring. We’re settling into a good match now that the angle isn’t in play. Armstrong finally remembers to count on Jericho after repeated warnings. Ugh. Punk gets back on some of his regular offense. Running high knee but the bulldog gets reversed. Some more counters. A kick to the head only gets Punk two. The Randy Savage elbow gets countered. Punk gets launched outside the ring after the Code Breaker. GTS but Jericho is near the ropes. For some reason, Jericho chooses to awkwardly use his leg to force the pin break. The counters are starting to get out of hand. A Lionsault gets kicked out of. Mitchell, pretty much everyone kicks out of the Lionsault. Watch your product. Jericho turns a huracanrana into a the Walls of Jericho. Break by Punk grabbing the ropes. Suicide dive by Punk. Super Code Breaker from a spring board. Punk kicks out. I don’t think the crowd sucks but they’ve got very little in the chant department. Lawler mentions Jericho losing his composure. Punk calls for the GTS but it gets reversed into a Walls of Jericho. The crowd cheers when Jericho pulls Punk back into the middle of the ring. Counters. Anaconda Vice. A Pin by Jericho gets reversed back into the Anaconda Vice. Punk gets out of the way of Jericho’s knees. Jericho taps out. It feels like that match could have gotten to another gear.

I’ve seen worse time fillers than the Funkasaurus and his mommas. Jeremy showed me a small preview of John Cena‘s new ring gear. Now that I get the full view, he’s gone and used the Boston Celtics theme. This show hasn’t been terrible, but I’m glad I didn’t go to Miami. I would be pissed. It doesn’t help that I’m not much of a rap guy but doing Machine Gun Kelly (even the Cleveland people in the house were grossed out of his I 71 North tattoo) and then Flo Rida lip synching music didn’t raise the quality. The Rock gets the home crowd response. Mike Chioda is the referee. He gets back his spot after his suspension. The Rock tries to prove he’s not rusty by pulling off what the kids might call chain wrestling. The Rock didn’t want to take that hip toss. Cena over reacts to a punch. Cena recovers on the outside. What the hell is Cena doing with the ground bear hug? The Rock takes a safe spill from a low bridge. The announcers and the Chioda sell Rock’s out of ring shape storyline. Cena goes back to the bear hug. I think it’s pretty clear at this juncture, the Rock’s limitations for bumps is hurting this match. The pace finally picks up. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. I get an odd feeling, there won’t be a riot if Cena wins. I’m looking at your sign sir. Attitude Adjustment gets kicked out of. For the love of gawd, don’t go to the long shot in the middle of a match. Cena kicks out of the Rock Bottom. The Rock is finally getting some sustained offense. The Rock kicks out of a the super leg drop. The Rock locks in a Sharpshooter. After a break, The Rock re-applies it. Cena breaks it again. The Rock tosses Cena into the stairs. STF by Cena. He has to drag Rock back into the middle of the ring. The Rock looks like he’s passed out. Chioda is milking the arm drop. The Rock finally breaks the STF. The crowd goes crazy for the People’s Elbow. Cena kicks out. Ten minutes until eleven so the end is neigh. Cena can’t get the pin on the small package. Cena using another roll up. We all laugh at Rock’s jazz hands as he kicks out. The Rock fights Cena off the top rope. Cena rolls thru a cross body and puts Rock into an Attitude Adjustment. Another kick out by the Rock. Cena goes for the People’s Elbow. The Rock hits another Rock Bottom. Pin. I’m surprised. I’m not a fan. I’m pretty unsatisfied by the whole card. -Kevin

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