Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

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I already want to toss my lap top thru the front window because of the Three Stooges hosting Raw tonight. Not a good start to the show. Then we got Johnny Wooden GM introducing a Brock Lesnar video package. I’m mildly amused that Johnny used the “legitimate” athlete line since the WWE is always trying to convince us that their wrestlers are “legitimate” athletes. I agree with the sentiment but shouldn’t you be less offended when people say that when you admit it? I also like that Brock has no catch phrases. Let’s see if they make chicken salad out of chicken shit with his first mic work. John Cena interrupts as Brock starts to talk. Nice, Cena just slaps him. Wow, the locker room empties. It gives it a better feel when it isn’t just refs. The WWE is more guilty of that than TNA. Less than fifteen minutes.

After seeing the replays, it looks like Lesnar popped him good that first shot then remembered he wasn’t in the UFC. We get our first yelling at of Teddy Long by Johnny. I’m so excited about this story line. Eve Torres wants to meet with Johnny. The Funkasaurus is up again. Santino tags along. Vickie introduces her clients Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler. Poor Dolph has pink sun glasses. I’m starting to worry about picking my boy Dolph as the Money In The Bank winner. I was hoping to see Brodus sell more but they go to commercial. Those evil dirt sheets said that Vince was worried about his in ring work. Selling is the harder part, to me. Just like playing defense in a “legitimate” sport is harder because it’s always more fun to play offense.

After the break, Santino is selling. Damn it. Mitchell Cool selling Swagger’s new hairdo. Ugh. If his selling point is his hairdo, Swagger has much, much bigger problems. Brodus gets the hot tag and finishes off my boy in no time flat. I’ll be fine when his act gets cut down time wise. Johnny tells the Miz they can talk next week. Johnny yells at Teddy Long. Cena says he likes to hit and be hit. Cena asks to be put in a match. Johnny feeds Otunga to Cena. Santino asks Tyler Reks & Curt Hawkins where the Three Stogges are. Doesn’t any type of air time mean they’ll get ring time soon? Another tag team that’ll challenge for the belts in no time flat.

Santino is still looking for the Stooges when he runs into Kane. People love his prance out. The Stooges are on Raw tonight yet they haven’t been on TV in the first thirty eight minutes of a two hour show. R Truth takes on Cody Rhodes. Oh, Smackdown is live? I got the legend’s part taken care of. We get more repeat angle from Big Show who taunts Rhodes. R Truth wins. Santino apes a line from “A Christmas Story”. The Stooges are in the aped crate. They use all the same tricks that don’t pack half of the humor.

For some reason, Yoshi Tatsu challenged Lord Tensai. He is not getting much of a reaction. A squash, even thru TKO, shouldn’t take as long as it did last week. The crowd chants “Albert”. Just say his name on TV and get it over with. The announcers are doing their job. The match was faster but the crowd is still not caring.

CM Punk comes out to explain himself. Punk is mad because the first thought thru his head was “I smell like my father did.” The crowd chants “CM Punk”. Not exactly the reaction he wanted, I’d guess. Chris Jericho asks if he’s still hung over. He then asks if he’s drunk. I love it. They’ve talked me into this angle. The CM Drunk thing is so hack. Punk is going to take out his frustration on Jericho. Chris looks nonplussed. Mark Henry comes out. We get commercials.

At least we didn’t miss any of the match. That’s still a long time to just stare at each other. Punk gets DQed with a monitor to the head. Jericho distracts Punk. Henry pounces. Jericho is ready to pour beer on him when Punk attacks. Code Breaker. Beer pouring time. Steve Austin wasted this much beer too. Jericho gets the ref treatment because neither of these two guys are big time enough.

Zack Ryder is taking on Alberto Del Rio. You got your five minutes Zack. The refs are asking for Sheamus to be fired. I say refs should be fired for making terrible decisions like that one. Rough Ryder back fires. Del Rio with a submission. They have no faith in either of these guys in the ring. The Three Stooges are still trying to come up with ideas. The fact that they’re acting like they’re the original Stooges makes it even more maddening than it already is.

Will Sasso ends up dressing like Hulk Hogan. I want to kill Moe. Kane interrupts a solid Hogan impersonation. Did he ever do it for SNL? Oh, he was on the Fox version, wasn’t he? Curly gets choked slammed. Josh Matthews asks Mark Henry to explain himself. Um, isn’t that a no brainer?  Henry gets another match next week. String it out to the PPV, why not? Oh no, CM Punk is in trouble. He’s been beaten up by Henry three straight weeks while Jericho hasn’t had a match.

Josh Matthews gets to ask Brock Lesnar a dumb question. I like how he has amnesia about his try out for the Minnesota Vikings which goes under the “fail” category. The WWE is calling Undertaker vs HHH is one of the greatest Wrestlemania matches ever. I liked it better than last year’s, but it still wasn’t as good as either of Shawn Michaels matches with Taker. Is David Otunga in a main event?

John Cena comes out at 10:56 to confirm it. I need to do an article on Cena’s new shirt. Why is Mitchell Cool mad about Lesnar F5ing Cena? Isn’t Brock the heel? He is aligned with Johnny and sounded like a heel in his promo. The crowd chants “Fruity Pebbles”. He did add green to the line up. Easy to see his fans in the crowd. Merch machine. Cena is tough because he made someone tap. Low blow by Brock. God to know that Jimmy Johns is still sponsoring him. Mitchell acts indignant again at Brock. How odd. -Kevin

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