`Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Jeremy and I are both under the weather after going to UFC 145. We were hoping to do an audio about it today but because of the sickness, we’re holding off until tomorrow. Also because of the cold, I made myself some chicken noodle soup. I’m acting like there was ever a chance that I was going to start this on time since it’s three hours long. The dogs don’t pass out until a post eight o’clock walk. They don’t like me using my computer so I comply. Stupid spoiled dogs. Anyway, let’s roll.

Teddy Long introduces John Cena. Ah, it’s the contract signing. Teddy introduces Brock Lesnar. Johnny Wooden GM comes out to berate Teddy. Brock isn’t there yet. As Johnny does introduces the show, Edge interrupts him. Edge had to talk to Cena. Edge is giving him a hell of a pick yourself up speech. Always interesting having to explain wrestling to an outsider. I’m having to do that tonight too. She may become a regular. We’ll see. Good idea for that speech though.

Chris Jericho comes out. Kofi Kingston is the sacrificial lamb. Mitchell Cool & Jerry Lawler are doing a good job of bickering. Lawler stepping up is a nice change of pace. And we get a commercial with not much happening as usual. Cool & Lawler are selling a PPV. Kofi with a head scissors take over, that looked good. Which is strange. I don’t think he uses that much either. They are giving Kofi far more offense than I expected. The crowd roars for the attempted Walls of Jericho. Nice Code Breaker off the spring board. The crowd is eating up Jericho. Solid promo. Brock video package.

Johnny Wooden GM is on the phone of course. Eve Torres interrupts. She thinks the acting is bad porno level. Eve gets an executive post. Eve denies the hug. Good for her, sticks to her character. More Brock video package. Hmm, lots of filler on a three hour show, you don’t say? CM Punk gets the Josh Matthews questioning. Punk’s gift was a basket of alcohol. Josh gets a hell of a present.

Lord Tensai babbles in Japanese. He gets to squash R Truth. Looks like the Claw is going to be his finisher. Woof. Stick to the power bomb.

Kane marches to the ring. He has a mic. Uh oh. How the fuck did I not catch up at all? I’m blazing thru the commercials. I guess the distraction is slowing me down. She also chortling at this promo. Yep, this is what normal people think of wrestling. He looks like he’s holding his left arm funny. Randy Orton interrupts. Poor Paul Bearer only shows up to get kidnapped. Kane doesn’t care. Good for him. Orton comes out to brawl. I love how the lead pipe has a rubber handle on it. Is Orton losing from even steven booking? More reruns!

Alex Riley saw CM Punk drinking. Jericho asks him to lead the way. He’s drinking out of a red cup. That angle was dumb. The room was too close and the bottle didn’t appear to be open. Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio. Cool tells us he’s part of Smackdown like it means something. He’s teaming with Cody Rhodes. They’re taking on Big Show and the Great Khali. Why does a kid have a sign for Khali? Nothing happening before a commercial. None of us are surprised. Cody breaks up the hot tag quickly. I guess he needs to sell an injury to make the PPV match interesting since he squashed Cody at WM. Even steven booking says the right guy gets the title belt back. Too bad he’s buried now.

Jericho asks for the world title to be stripped from Punk because he was drinking. Johnny needs credible proof. We’re going to get a field sobriety test. How about a breathalyzer? Eve is 100% smarter than David Otunga. The People Power poster is cracking me up. Johnny, you don’t say that in public when you’re on TV. Matthews asks Lesnar where he was. Lesnar tosses him into a curtain. Josh sells it like he hit a brick wall.

Hahahahahahaha. They’re strapping him to a board. Are you fucking kidding me? Can’t you go with another plan? Just take him to hospital without the strapping down. Nikki Bella gets to lose to Beth Phoenix. No one cares. Still. Phoenix was on WWE.com last week. That about sums up the women’s division. Eve makes it a lumber jill match. Nikki gets tossed out to where there are no Divas. Beth twists her ankle. Brie starts the cat fight. Nikki Bella wins the belt. Yep, the WWE just squatted on the Fabulous Moolah’s memory and took a big dump. Teddy Long talks to CM Punk who acts like he’s drunk. No one ever does a convincing job of acting drunk. Worst work by Punk in a while. Probably because he’s never drank.

Teddy Long invites CM Punk down to the ring. Jericho interrupts him. Smug act. Punk continues to act drunk. OH my gawd, it was a swerve. I never saw that one coming.

Mark Henry takes on Sheamus. Daniel Bryan comes out as the special guest referee. Bryan quick outs Sheamus so that Henry can win. Sheamus attacks Bryan after the match. With some help from enry, Bryan puts the Yes Lock on Sheamus. More even steven booking moments. I would hope that Bryan gets at least one fall on Sunday. The crowd may have found their new “What?” I know I saw that somewhere else but it’s an apt comparison.

Matt Striker gets the interview gig. Sheamus makes a decent promo out of an Irish story. Good for him. Second one I can remember. The first one was a long time ago. Rosa Mendes with Primo & Epico are wrestling “What have you done with” Zack Ryder & Santino Marella. The Miz gets to wrestle Santino at Extreme Rules. Even as a needle to Ryder, Eve dumping him shouldn’t be mentioned as THEE high light of WM. Santino nails Primo with the Cobra after a nothing match. The crowd darlings may be the next tag champions. Really, more Brock replay?

Kane is wondering around back stage. He goes into the meat locker where Paul Bearer was earlier. He pulls him out to throw him back in. He’s cold blooded. I guess. Abraham Washington talks up Epico & Primo. They have a manager already! What the fuck? Taco Bell is sponsoring a match. That’s par for the course in sports. When I went to an arena league a couple of years ago here, the flags were even sponsored. Hornswoggle is an amusing addition but does nothing in the moving up the card ability for the Funkasaurus.

Vickie Guerrero introduces Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler. My boy has seen better days. Why is Hornswoggle even in this match? That ended quickly but he never should have been in it. I guess Dolph needed mat time without having to lose. Vickie slaps Brodus. She high tails it after the ladies come into the ring. Hornswoggle bites Vickie in the ass. Even Taco Bell is ashamed by the quality of the match they sponsored. It gets a lower grade than their “beef”.

I finally blow thru a Lesnar video package. Johnny Wooden GM comes out to pump up the match. He intros Brock who comes down. Cena no shows when his music hits. Lesnar has a smirk on his face. I hope he attacked him. Johnny is taller than Brock. Wow. Brock wants some changes. He’s bringing some business “requests”. Are they trying to make him a heel with this? He’s heeling the heel. How do they over run a three hour and five minute show? I’m exhausted. Johnny agrees to the terms. It makes Johnny look so weak after they’ve done a good job of establishing him. Cena comes out with the old school chain around the neck. Cena wraps his hands with it. Brock shows off his fists. Cena picks up then sets down the pen. I like the head case stuff but are they expecting a different reaction from the fans? They’re not getting it. Brock senses fear. Cena throws the signed contract at Brock. They face off. Brock heels it up even more as he walks out of the ring with no fight.

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