Kevin’s Blog: Almst Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Let’s just say that my neighbors were here for an uncomfortable amount of time. They even brought over a second round of beer. They watched half of Hawaii Five-O even though they said they didn’t like it. I figured it’d scare them off. No such luck. They even cock blocked me. Completely uncool. On top of that, I couldn’t start my review. I’m pissed. Let’s roll.

We start off with a montage from the John Cena versus Brock Lesnar review from Extreme Rules.  The injury has to be an angle. Couldn’t make it more plain than they just showed it all on TV, again. Johnny Wooden GM gets the mic to start the evening. Cena was proved to be a mere mortal. I always thought Cena was Thor’s brother. Johnny  introduces Brock. HHH comes to the ring before much can be said. HHH kills off all of Brock’s extras. HHH neuters Johnny even more than Brock did last week. Interesting tact for HHH to take. He called out his manhood in the process. Lesnar attacks HHH when he argues with Johnny. I’m guessing HHH sees money in this feud. HHH sells a broken arm. Some super baby faces make the save. I like the spoiled athlete angle they’re sort of using with Brock.

Eve is not rocking the librarian very well. Beat The Clock Challenge. I wonder if they got that from the NFL Draft this week. That first round flew by. The Steelers made their pick (next to last) at 11:56 PM last year. The draft was over no later than 11:05. The Miz takes on Santino. I’m going with the Miz but no way he’s the next contender. I love a good double axe handle from the top rope. Skull Crushing Finale at 4:18. Yep, that’s your US Champion.

They showed us the photos from the women’s match last night. Layla El comes out to mild applause. She gets to take on both Brie & Nikki Bella. Layla wins with a drop kick and a roll up. Yep, that’s your Women’s Champion. Chris Jericho hits the ring. He’s out for the Beat the Clock challenge.

They are loving the photo montages tonight. The Big Show is his opponent. This match should last longer than 4:18.

The match is half over already. One minute left with the WMD miss. Mitchell Cool pointing out the time problem. The referee is undecided as they go to commercial. It’s not a hook guys.

The Miz is still leading the competition. Wow, just be more clear next time. The Funkasaurus comes out without Hornswoggle. I’m sure loads of people will get back on his bandwagon now that Hornie isn’t with him. JTG is the sacrificial lamb. Maybe the reason people are cooling on him is that he’s still beating jobbers a month plus into his gimmick, which was relaunched. Broduc Clay wins and dances with the kids. Eve is with Teddy Long and Johnny. Eve gives him a ridiculous pitch. He tells him to think big. Johnny decides real quick without saying it. Randy Orton comes out for a Beat the Clock challenge.

Vickie Guerrero introduces Jack Swagger. He has losing before the clock written all over him. I’m thinking these guys fought some time on Smackdown. Can’t really recall it though. Forgot this was in Dayton. Not a chance in hell I drive there for anything other than a pay per view. It’s only about an hour to those arenas but the trip home is the bitch. Orton coils up, Swagger get him into an ankle lock. Orton wins with two seconds left. Kind of strange of them to go close on this one. WWE typically goes big cut down then close call for the last match. They’re hyping a tag team match. Ha.

R Truth & Kofi Kingston are taking on Rosa Mendes with Epico & Primo. Brie & Nikki Bella were fired. Guess they did get a title reign before leaving the company. They’re not even hot enough for twins. Quick commercial break. Hype and a break, the tag team division is going people. HHH’s arm is officially broken. That’s how important this match is, two pieces of big breaking news take place during it. R Truth is taking the beating. Kofi is cruising to the win when Rosa tries to interfere but it doesn’t work. R Truth & Kofi win the tag titles. Kofi hopes Truth is not smoking up after this win.

Oh my lord, Kane versus the Great Khali in a BTC challenge match. Woof. Epico & Primo are arguing. Abraham Washington sells himself again. Why? Just why? They have a manager. Cool & Jerry Lawler are selling their slow movement well. Kane goes for the pin after the top rope clothesline. Nothing doing, like in a normal match. They strangle each other to a time limit draw.

Daniel Bryan takes on Jerry “The King” Lawler. Come on Daniel Bryan. Lawler drops the fist but can’t get the pin. Bryan locks in the Yes Lock. I’m pretty sure the internet just had an orgasm.

I’ve been watching on time so I’ve seen the over run. Forgot about it tonight. Getting ready for the Cena opponent announcement. Cena is really hurt. But he’s not injured. Johnny Wooden GM comes out. AS expected, my DVR cuts off before the reveal. Let’s see who it is. Ah, Lord Tensai. Yep, good way to get him over. Eyes rolling. The GM goes on a stomping binge. He could have a short reign as GM. -Kevin

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2 Responses

  1. It’s John Wooden vs John Cena. What a twist!!

  2. First off, I paid those neighbors well to but the shit out of Kevin. I offered them PBR cash and I hear they went all high brow with the MGD!
    Ok so was the Lawler v. DBry SUPPOSED to happen or did they conjur that up after the ref effed up the Jericho count?

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