Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE

I’m calling this “Almost Live” because around 10:15 PM, I’m skipping out because my girlfriend wants to see the season finale of Hawaii Five-O and doesn’t want to be here too late on a work night. I can’t say I blame her. The fact that she’ll watch this garbage with me for any extent of time is a bonus. Let’s roll.

She immediately says what I’m thinking about HHH waiting to talk to “the World”. You’re on camera already dude. HHH is offended by the “legitimacy” part of Brock Lesnar’s speech. She’s watched all of a month of this stuff and is pretty much writing HHH’s promo. HHH goes with the quitter angle for Brock. This crowd is near silent. Paul Heyman comes out to almost as little reaction. Have I mentioned that I absolutely hate lawyer angles? I am pumped for Suits this summer though. So does breech of contract cover breaking the boss’s arm? How long would he last in the UFC if he broke Dana White’s arm? I couldn’t be less excited about this angle. We get rehash of Big Show having to apologize. That’s right, he needs to apologize tonight. CM Punk hits the ramp at the seventeen minute mark. Wow. I guess that was the hook.

Santino comes out “walking like a gay man” according to my lady friend. All Italians walk like gay men was my response. Punk & Santino is taking on Cody Rhodes & Daniel Bryan. Punk and Rhodes start the match out. Oh boy, I’m worried. What a terrible way to start. Chopped up intros, pretty much no time for the match to start. Rhodes is working over Santino after the break. Lawler is confused by the “Yes” chants. Of course, the crowd chants “Santino” right after it. Welcome schizo frantic crowd. That was a funny non-hot tag. She can’t handle the sock puppet. It was ridiculous to cower away from it. GTS for the win.

Alicia Fox gets to lose to the flavor of the month. It’s Beth Phoenix. They hype Over the Limit. Please, telegraph the finish of this match even more than you have already. Say that this match is for the #1 contender spot. Glam Slam for the duke. Layla face plants Beth. The crowd continues to not care. John Cena getting some good press for the inevitable bad press from the divorce from that almost certainly cunty bitch. Oh goody, more replay of a completely dumb angle. Have I mentioned that yet?

And even more replay. I’m glad Travis went for cat litter. The woman & I had something to talk about. Johnny Wooden GM comes out with David Otunga. It’s just about Hawaii Five-O time. Mitchell Cool defends tweeting by the GM after ripping into the fans earlier. Leaders are born according to the moron. How is this segment the hour bridging segment? Brutal. I have no idea why Big Show shouldn’t apologize before the beginning of the match. Why let him wrestle one last match? Wouldn’t it be more insulting to not let him wrestle again? Lawler & Cool pimp Johnny’s cred in Japan but it’s failing like much of the rest of the night. That douche bag Justin LaBar is in the front row. Of course he wants the apology in the middle of the match. Kane wins with a choke slam after the distraction. “That was retarded” comes from the peanut gallery. Yep. And they wonder why they’re stuck on a 3.something rating. So, the board isn’t going to do anything about this either even though HHH “lost” control of the show not that far back? Johnny has the same tenuous grip on things but he’s, aww fuck it. I’m tired of making this argument. I’m just asking for some logic. Is that too much to ask? Big Show needs to beg for his job. So the GM for both shows wants to take away a college fund for grandchildren and is now making someone beg for their job for no reason yet he gets to keep his job and HHH is fired? Fine you made me make the damn argument. Bloody hell. I’m glad the Pittsburgh crowd isn’t dumb enough to fall for this garbage. And Big Show is still fired after being a bitch and going to his knees. Insert your penis or joke here.

Now that I’m done with Hawaii Five-O, I’m ready to finish this column. It was a nice break to have and it’ll cut down on all of my viewing time. It’s a win, win situation. No such distractions in the future though. That wasn’t the best episode of Five-O but it’s still better than anything the WWE can write. Jerry Lawler does quiet voice to put over the angle. Mitchell Cool says nothing because it can’t be defended to make Johnny look good. But hey, the Board will keep him on. Why is the Funkasaurus dressed in green? Cool can’t even act excited for this act, which he shouldn’t in the first place. I guess the WWE decided “Our Black Guy Quota” wasn’t a good name for R Truth & Kofi Kingston. The Miz is teaming with Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler. These heels are in a slump that even Albert Pujols hasn’t dipped to yet. Clay cleans the ring for the commercial break. I wrote more about Five-O in this paragraph.

Mason Ryan has joined AW along with Rosa Mendes, Epico & Primo. Oh, he’s working on the deal. Lawler claims the crowd booed Miz because he’s from Cleveland. Hey King, the crowd did nothing because Cleveland sucks and so does the Miz right now. Kofi gets the hot tag so that he can botch every move he executes. The Funkasaurus gets the splash and win. The WWE cameras spent as much time with AW Root Beer as they did on the match.

CM Punk is talking to Alex Riley for some reason. AJ interrupts. She wishes him luck. He calls her unstable. He was great acting awkward. Best part of the show, easy. Chris Jericho is taking on Randy Orton. Sheamus in on commentary. Why would you give us a hook before the commercial break? I’m not even paying attention to this match because it means nothing. I’m trying to figure out why Travis mentioned me on Facebook. DQ and Sheamus & Randy Orton try to fight. Yep, Jericho vs Orton meant nothing.

Johnny Wooden GM is talking himself up. John Cena interrupts. OF course he has to do the “I’m fine” check with the camera close up. Does it for all of his injuries. Does Lord Tensai get to come out and suck in this segment? I’m checking out as Cena does Ace Ventura. Johnny can’t keep a straight face. Way to break character dick face. Cena gets my attention by getting the cheap pop. Not the description that ‘d use for the Steel Curtain. But whatever. Cheap Penguins pop. Glad they didn’t want their faces on TV. Johnny starts talking, Eve comes down. Cena steals the note like we’re in Romper Room. The Board finally does something but it’s just stipulations for the match. And the head of your main show’s job should be dependent on a match why? If Johnny wins on Sunday to keep his job, I riot. -Kevin

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