Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

26th round draft pick of the, ahem first place, Pittsburgh Pirates Jimmy Rider sent my beloved Kent State Golden Flashes into the College World Series by blooping a double onto the left field line which allowed Derek Toadvine to score in the bottom of the ninth. Needless to say, I’m giddy. Let’s roll.

Johnny Wooden GM comes out but before he can utter a peep, Vincent Kennedy McMahon comes down. Johnny tries to suck up to the crowd. It doesn’t work. Vince runs down Johnny’s bad decisions. Before Vince can do anything, Sheamus interrupts. Ugh, it’s going to be a loooong segment. Vince gets to tease us with a warm up “You’re Fired.” Moron adult in the crowd with a goatee and bald head had it spelled “Your”. Brutal.

Tensai is Sheamus’s opponent. The crowd is chanting “Albert”. Yep, stop trying to sell him as the second coming of the Great Muta. And have fun losing again. This will be his second high class job which the announcers pointed out. Cool says it a second time. Tensai may as well buy a mining hat for how deep he’s getting buried. Wow, they’re giving Tensai more offense in the second half of this match. Sheamus barely kicked out of his finisher. Good sell on his part. The Brogue Kick is becoming like the RKO, it can hit at any time.Vince asks Johnny who can replace Alberto Del Rio at No Way Out. Vickie offers up Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger. Teddy Long gets the big idea but fetches coffee. Johnny goes for the fist bump. Vince cracks his first dick joke. Did I miss some news on Del Rio? Yes I did. Del Rio got his bell rung. Tough. They made him look decent with the attack on Sheamus.

Sakamoto is getting assaulted by Tensai after the commercial. The crowd isn’t reacting. I’m tempted to hit FF. I don’t care about either of these guys. You haven’t given me a reason. I don’t care that Albert can speak Japanese. So blowing thru the memory lane shit. R Truth is interviewed by Matt Striker. Lil’ Jimmy was traumatized. He was much better as a crazy heel. Big Show attacks him again. Big meanies everywhere tonight.

And of course we follow up with a replay of what just happened. Santino Marella comes out for a mixed tag match. Starting off like a barn on fire. More replays. Layla comes out looking as hot as always. They’re battling Ricardo Rodriguez (in tux, stay classy) and Beth Phoenix. Ricardo hides so this match is a hidden women’s match. Beth with the Glam Slam for the win. Beth sells Ricardo who is sporting a Justin Beiber shirt. Isn’t that your audience? David Otunga sucks up to Vince. Before Vince can get off a good lawyer joke, Kofi demands a match with Big Show. Dummy. Johnny who was right beside them grants it. Why did Vince & Otunga act like he was somewhere else?

Daniel Bryan comes out to speak to us. In threes. He’s delivering. CM Punk comes out to a serious pop. He goes short and sweet but does a good job. I hate pimping his own segment. Punk did have an awesome moment. He brings the thunder after that. Kane brings pyro and hopefully not much of a promo. AJ makes an appearance. CM Punk & AJ take on Kane & Bryan. Why would you do this during your job evaluation? Then they replay Vince doing “You’re Fired.” Cue foreshadowing.

It’s FF thru the entrances time. That Kent game got me started at 10. It’s getting late, yo. It’s the four way match between the Great Khali, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & Christian. The other three eliminate the Great Khali. Smart move on their part. Except Christian who is in there against a tag team. So is it worse for Mr. KSU to lose tonight or at the PPV? We know the winner is not derailing Sheamus. Swagger is a terrible choice even for an obvious loss. Christian doesn’t make sense.

They’re doing just that after the break until Christian dumps Dolph outside. The new hairdo is not helping Swagger. Going shorter under the part makes you look like a cub scout. Killswitch on Swagger with Dolph getting the pin. Dolph drop kick #3 of the match only gets a two count. Dolph kicks out after a spear. They’re making him look good. Christian is my move them up the card guy. Good back and forth near the end. “Let’s Go Ziggler” chant breaks out. The crowd goes solid pop for Mr. KSU. Clean pin too. Sheamus comes out for a look. They do a stare down. Nice quick hype. Natalya is still crazy while talking to Vince. The Funkadactyls try to charm Mr. McMahon. Vince dances. So we’ve got young chicks, the Harts, lawyers & dick jokes covered for Vince. Zack Ryder gets an appearance. How’s that You Tube show doing?

Ryback squash. He dominates two more schmucks. He needs his Big Show beating him up moment. Or a real opponent. They replay almost the whole match right after it’s over. Dumb.

Hornswoggle is talking to Vince. For some reason, he can’t talk again. JR impersonation. John Cena arrives. Cena points out all of Vince’s losses at WM. Of course Regal had to make an appearance after an ass kissing segment. We have all of Vince’s bases covered now, I think.

Kofi Kingston is smart enough to attack Big Show as he climbs over the ropes. I’m sort of tuning out the bickering between Cool & Lawler. It’s a big commercial for No Way Out. Crowd popped for Trouble. Kofi doing the smart thing and act like a chicken shit heel. Kofi gets KOed anyway. Shouldn’t the ref call it? Armstrong finally calls it.

Curt Hawkins gets to lose to Sin Cara. The crowd is all over chants tonight. Not sure what this one was. Hawkins has more offense in the first minute than I expected for the whole match. I hate Sin Cara’s finisher.

Daniel Bryan is stretching when Vince says hi. Another dick joke. Yep, we’re rounding the bases a second time until the end of the show.

I didn’t stop the FF even for my boy Dolph Ziggler. I said no memory lane and I meant it. Heath Slater is taking on Vader. He has seen better days. The crowd is giving him a warm enough reception. No way the majority of people actually remember him. Another chant. A “You’ve still got it” chant to add to their total. He has no agility any more people. Vader Bomb for the win. Cool does a Vader Time chant. Ugh. Pick your role. CM Punk talks to AJ Lee. He tells her not to worry. Punk’s facials after the kiss tell it all.

The Punk & AJ match against Kane & Daniel Bryan is up next. I taped Common Law but a three hour show shouldn’t over run. I know this segment will. I feel it in my being. Vince hasn’t been on nearly enough. AJ gets tagged into the match. She ends up kissing Kane. Does someone kissing Kane fall under specialty happening for Vince? Bryan jobs to the top rope elbow. Weak. She’s doing a good crazy person.

Vince comes out for the main event. The security are going to march Johnny out. The Big Show comes out to defend Johnny. He’s stinking it up worse than Sheamus. And of course they over ran. Because three hours and five minutes isn’t nearly enough time. John Cena shows up. I forgot he needed to be included in this segment. Damn it. He loses me but then grabs my attention when he does the reverse Cody Rhodes. Big Show getting the same treatment within a couple of months. The match now has the Johnny firing stakes for the second PPV in a row. Big Show doesn’t come close but “KOs” Vince. -Kevin

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