Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

The WWE loves crazy women. Replay city to start the show. AJ Lee fake talks to Daniel Bryan then Kane then CM Punk. I guess we’re supposed to be surprised that she was doing that in the mirror with the reveal. Hey dummies, you always show the people when they’re actually talking and a tight shot when they’re talking to themselves. I want to vomit. I saw the Cena tweet earlier today. Nothing will make history you tool. Vickie Guerrero gets to be GM this week. The board is dumb as a box of rocks. Daniel Bryan comes out for a triple threat elimination match against Kane & CM Punk. As per usual, nothing happens before the break.

Kane misses the Doomsday Device because of a victory roll. Slick move. The back drop moments later almost went really wrong. Mitchell Cool continues the title reign of CM Punk. You’ve got to wonder why they’re building that up. Kane gets eliminated after another AJ distraction. Bryan kicks Punk in the head for the win. Vickie gets a compliment from Alberto Del Rio. Dolph Ziggler gets his piece to say. Ziggles & Del Rio have a contract on a pole match. Yuck.

The Funkasaurus gets the full intro. I haven’t watched this in weeks because I’ve been playing catch up. Shouldn’t he be pissed heading into this match? At least Big Show is. Big Show takes advantage of Clay’s knee injury. Are they really protecting him? How dumb is the Clay for going for a slam? Another box of rocks. More cover for John Cena being drug thru the mud during his divorce. Why did they hype a match that was pretty much a squash match?

Bob Barker gets the 1000th Raw treatment. Big Show knocked out Clay during the commercial break. OK, that’s shovel time. Have fun digging your grave Brodus. More review, this time with HHH. Remind me why I want to watch all of this and keep up? Lesnar is returning. Wooo, I suppose. AJ & Kane are in the same shot together. WWE reveals their cheap tactics. Kane tells her to stay away. Hasn’t worked before. More boxes and more rockses.

Jack Swagger doesn’t get an entrance but Santino Marella does. The belt that means nothing has been held fro 120 days. I guess the WWE is just on a counting kick. Santino wins with the cobra. Swagger needs a back hoe. At least Brodus is only using a shovel.

John Cena comes out for the history making announcement. What is a rotten episode of Star Wars? I’m confused. The peanut gallery is not pleased with the analogy either. Stop fucking laughing crowd. It wasn’t funny. I don’t care if he used Yoda speak. The lights go out and Chris Jericho hits the ring. When he isn’t wearing a suit, he has no idea how to dress himself. How many of those people were actually there for Fozzy? You stink at singing and I’ll never buy an album or even download it for free. It didn’t change history, you’re just in the Money In The Bank ladder match. Cena making sense as to why he wants to use it. Cena got me to laugh about the 9 year old being their viewers. I can’t stop looking at Jericho’s hair. Does Europe not have a barber? How about a stylist? Vickie comes out to clarify the stipulations. Only former WWE champions can compete in the ladder match. We’re all confused why she declined Cena & Jericho’s request but then grant them entrance into the match. Oh goody, another guest appearance.

Heath Slater is getting more air time. Any time is good, right? Right? I didn’t think so either. I couldn’t talk myself into the positives of this angle. Nice of him to forget that he’s a one man ROCK band. Sycho Sid is his opponent. He is no selling everything Slater does. Power bomb for the win. I don’t feel better about the 1000th episode of Raw. Just more dread.

Oh boy, hilarity during the break. My girl was talking about the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants when Baby Momma Drama asks me “Do you want to share a pair a pants? I’ll even throw in a belt.” My girl likes the car part of Del Rio and that’s all. Dolph Ziggler comes out second. One of these guys will be beside Clay & Swagger digging. The weird part about it is, the person that wins this math will be digging. No way Sheamus loses the belt on Smackdown. The crowd is growing in chanting for Ziggler from week to week. Good for him but look where it got Zack Ryder. They fight over the contract off of the pole. Ziggler kicks it out of the ring after Ricardo tries to swipe it. They take a rough spill to the outside. Sheamus announces that the match will be a triple threat match on Smackdown. I’m scratching my head. Why did they even start this match? I want to break my computer. Twitter drinking game. CM Punk is on the phone when AJ stops by. She’s in a robe. He wants to have a serious conversation with her after the battle royal. I’m grabbing more beer.

I care for the 1000th review about as much as I do this Diva’s Battle Royal. Vickie enters herself into the match. AJ isn’t eliminated by Vickie. AJ gets the weakest win I might ever see. She dedicates the match to Punk then does the “Yes!” celebration. She’s crazy so I guess it fits.

Chris Jericho comes out first. I’m not sure why they’re wasting this match on Raw. Big Show interference, maybe? Can’t be a clean finish. John Cena comes down at 10:53. No reason for this to go to over run. Last commercial break. How do black people even find Tyler Perry funny? It’s worse than the comedy on Raw. I almost stayed on the College World Series game. Arizona 3 outs away from a crown. Bingo, I’m a weiner kids. Big Show destroys Cena. Jericho leaves without incident. Woof. -Kevin

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