David Otunga picks up role in a WWE Studios movie starring… Halle Berry??

A-whuuuuh?

According to Prowrestling.net, the latest news of the day is that David Otunga has been cast in a new movie titled “The Hive,” a WWE Studios project starring Halle Berry and Abigail Breslin.

However, according to me, the news is that Halle Berry, an Academy Award-winning actress who commands upwards of $10 million a movie (and bared her incredible, Esquire-“Sexiest Woman Alive”-winning breasts in “Swordfish”) has, after a stellar 23-year career, fallen from grace and taken a role with a studio that has produced such instant classics as “The Marine,” “The Marine 2,” “Knucklehead” and “Bending the Rules” with Jamie Kennedy (who, in 2005, was nominated for the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actor).

I mean, I fully expect the straight-to-DVD treatment for the former “Little Miss Sunshine” (who, in her Wikipedia picture, looks like a trafficked whore). What’s next, Julia Roberts and R-Truth in a movie about a runaway taxi cab? (Careful, Eric, don’t give away too many good ones!) -Eric

News I Missed Without Power

Why have we invented fireworks that turn into dragons yet?

Since I only gained my power at 2:30 AM July 5th, I want to wish everyone a belated Fourth of July. We usually have some dumb post up for every holiday. This post is what you’re getting since everyone else on staff evidently didn’t have power either.

According to Prowrestling.net, Shannon Moore was granted his request to be let go by TNA. Both halves of Ink Inc. are officially gone from the company. We can hope that the brain trust over at TNA gets to cutting more fat off of their roster. I don’t mean making Samoa Joe go to the gym either.

In other news that won’t shock anyone, Bret Hart will take part in the 1000th Raw in a couple of weeks. The WWE will crow about how big the ratings are then us super fans will bitch because it was all because of the old stars and not the WWE building up new stars. Both sides will be right. The following week on episode 1001, we’ll get multiple replays of the old timers squashing Heath Slater and doing other stuff they shouldn’t be able to accomplish at their advanced ages because I’m stuck in three hour Raw hell.

Zack Ryder won a Battle Royal on Smackdown to become the General Manager for Raw and Smackdown for this coming week. I can only hope this kick starts his character all over. The crowd pretty much forgot about him after his initial push which didn’t last long enough in my opinion. Now if only the Board of Directors could decide on a GM quicker than Zach Parise and Ryan Suter chose an NHL team, we could stop using this GM crutch to get people over. -Kevin

 

Top 15 Pro Wrestler Commercials for Non-Wrestling Stuff

In honor of Rent-a-Center’s earth-shattering sweepstakes to meet Hulk Hogan and Troy Aikman, we thought we’d compile a list of the top 10 TV commercials starring professional wrestlers that weren’t for a professional wrestling product. These larger-than-life figures explode onto the TV screen with such abandon and fervor, such charisma and passion, that how could you *not* buy a pizza from them?

Let’s stick with the Hulkster, who hawked Right Guard in 1991 with the savoir faire of Robert Goulet and the acting chops of Mr. Belvedere. Starting this list off with anything less would be uncivilized!

Wrestlers seem to end up in commercials for food quite often. What was I saying about pizza and gargling copious amount of pills? Oh yeah, here’s Kurt Angle, following his 1996 Olympic gold medal win, ready to chow down on some Pizza Outlet:

Wow, wrestlers and pizza go together like, um, wrestling fans and bigger pizzas. Pizza Inn cashed in on the popularity of the Von Erichs in Texas in the early 1980s, but really, who in the hell is going to believe that 170-pound Mike Von Erich taught his brothers, ripped-ass Kevin and blown-up Kerry, anything about eating?

Keeping in the realm of food, I don’t have five minutes nor two scoops of Kellogg’s Eat Shit & Die for Mick Foley, but I do remember this Chef Boyardee commercial starring The Rock, pre-Hollywood but well into his puffy Nation of Domination days. Hell of a shirt, Rock; don’t date yourself too much or you might get chaffed:

Honorable mention: And because superstars’ shuckin’ and jivin’ doesn’t stop at the front door of Titan Tower, here’s Booker T and his big fat momma, eatin’ up all tha food:

I swear to sonny Jesus, this commercial with Andre the Giant made me want to try Honey Comb, and thus allowed me to become a fat shit for the first 28 years of my life:

John Cena, the face of WWE and hero to millions of children everywhere, can’t resist that double meat? Tell me he didn’t just say that!

And in the locally sold booze category: If I were you, Chicago Lake Liquors, I’d give Mad Dog Vachon a coffee break:

Of course, this wouldn’t be a discussion about great commercials with wrestlers if we didn’t include spots for Slim Jim! Here’s one with Macho Man Randy Savage and some teenagers, blowing things up Beavis and Butthead style:

And one with Ultimate Warrior and some more explosions (never let it be said that Slim Jim doesn’t understand its market; I still nice “Niiiice, antique!” every time I see a plastic chair):

More drinks: Man, the NWA/WCW got the short end of the advertising stick back in the day; while Hogan, Warrior and Savage were running wild, Rick Steiner was crawling around like a jackass with Roos on his hands:

And if you can’t land Mountain Dew like the WWF, get your first fattest babyface to drink the second-best thing!

Geez, I guess wrestlers and soda go together like wrestling fans and pizza and soda. Now here’s an idea I can get behind: Sting + population control, thanks to Sprite:

And now TNA is making deals with shitty auto insurance companies, because who better to hawk insurance you can finally pay for than wrestlers who only make $300 a week:

And finally, because we all go to our grandpa for weightlifting advice (“Back in my day, we punched a potato sack until our knuckles bled like stuck pigs! We put our polio-crippled brother on a rope and we dragged him 2 miles!”), here’s Ric Flair’s latest venture into advertising, for Fuel in a Bottle:

Oh, wait, we can’t talk about Ric Flair and TV commercials without posting Bruce Mitchell’s two favorite things in the whole world, wooin’ like Ric Flair and scratchin’ them lottery tickets:

Wow, 15 greats plus an honorable mention. Did we miss anything? Post them in a comment below!

Win a meeting with Hulk Hogan, Troy Aikman, plus chance to own a couch for just $7.49 a week

Look, they even gave you two places to sit, brother!

As retweeted by the Hulkster himself, Rent-a-Center is offering superfans (in other words, those of us who were 10 years old in 1991) the chance to submit a video showing why they should get to meet Hulk Hogan and Troy Aikman. The contest (click here for details) runs until July 29, so zip up that Starter jacket, comb back that mullet, throw on your hottest Ray-Bans and tell your parents’ huge-ass VHS camcorder why Hulk Hogan and Troy Aikman are simply the raddest guys around!

I wish this post were funnier, but as soon as Rent-a-Center starts posting these video submissions, I promise you the Laff-o-Meter is going to get a fucking workout, because at the intersection of professional wrestling and rent-to-own furniture lies pure comedy gold. -Eric

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