Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

My boy Andrew McCutchen kept me from starting Raw on time. He didn’t do so well in the Home Run Derby. That’s OK as long as he keeps hitting the way he is right now when it counts. No peanut gallery today. Back to me and my lap top. Let’s roll.

AJ gets the opening rewind segment and gets to open the mic work. She doesn’t do much except intro CM Punk. Damn, is she doing a convincing crazy. And she’s carrying the mic load with Punk in the ring. AJ proposes. Punk has an outstanding reaction. Daniel Bryan comes running out to answer for Punk. Bryan tries to get Punk to accept her proposal to turn the tables. Goat Boy proposes to AJ. Punk points out the obvious that Bryan doesn’t have a ring. Can we please just make Mitchell Cool the Raw GM and get him out of the booth? The WWE could help everyone out by doing that. Eve Torres, the flavor of last month, gets to team with Bryan. Are we to believe it’s the same mystery GM? Since they didn’t have a reveal last time, are they expecting us to want a resolution to the whole fiasco? Because I could give a fuck less. AJ gets to close the segment by teasing a future husband.

Sheamus is taking on Jack Swagger. It’s a squash match. There is no reason to believe Alberto Del Rio can win on Sunday. Have him attack Sheamus from now until Sunday and I still won’t buy Del Rio winning the title. Del Rio cuts another average promo to keep us wondering why the WWE has faith in this guy. Santino Marella is talking to Zack Ryder. Great, the GM is in the building and Santino is going to find him or her. I can’t wait for the dumb skits to continue. (If you can’t read the sarcasm in the last two sentences, you’re a dunce.)

Since they have so many replays to play, none of the participants in this tag match get an introduction. So we know they’re all important. Dolph Ziggler & Tensai are taking on Christian & Tyson Kidd. Tensai gets a much needed win over Christian. What’s the purpose of the match? Tensai power bombs Kidd on the apron. I guess we’re in rebuild Tensai mode now? We’re to believe they’re going to choose a GM at the 1000th Raw. Cool refuses to read the email so Jerry Lawler does the honors. So instead of sinking time into the guys in the PPV, we get a Lawler vs Cool rematch.

I almost catch up by FF thru the Funkasaurus‘s entrance. Drew McIntyre gets squashed. What is the total match time so far? Under two minutes? Cool selling us on wanting to see the crap instead of wrestling. Santino gets to be unfunny with Chris Jericho. Big Show salvages the segment.

Did John Cena just come out without jokes and just cut a good promo? He did. Kane‘s pyro cuts him off from saying anything dumb. Chris Jericho & Big Show get an entrance. By the time the two big guys go at it, there’s been more wrestling in this match than the rest of the evening. For some reason, even the crowd thinks Kane is a baby face again. Didn’t he just become a heel again like four months ago? We get a second commercial break for this match. These guys deserve the time but more time needs to be devoted to the Ziggler, Tensai & Kidd. Christian has had enough time.

As they come back, I can only think to myself, please don’t let John Cena win this match. He so does not need it. Big Show or Jericho could, um I’m done typing as Big Show attacks Cena & Kane. That works too. Big Show takes out Jericho too. I can dig this. Same result I wanted but better really. Make everyone think Big Show will win. Aww damn it, Cena fucks it up. You don’t need the win, douche.

Eve doing a good job of selling AJ being the ref and his inferiority complex. Santino gets a skit with the Great Khali. For some reason, the crowd chuckles. Not worth that much. Sin Cara is fighting for a spot in the unimportant MITB match. He’s supposed to be our teaser. The WWE is stupid. They then remind me that I’ll be on a murderous rage after the “first” three hour show.

Heath Slater is another man who isn’t worth an entrance. Lawler makes me laugh by telling the crowd that his match with Cool won’t last long. Sin Cara wins with the twirling face plant. People sort of care. Slater gets the mic time so he’s more important than Sin Cara already. Bob Backlund answers Slater’s challenge of any former champ. People have no clue which is why Mitchell is explaining who he is. Backlund should not win this match. But he does any way. Cross face chicken wing. The crowd chants “You’ve still got it” for no good reason. Mitchell runs down the crowd as we hit the commercial break.

Booker T & Josh Matthews get the call in the booth for the Lawler vs Cool match. At least they did keep it short. Cool wins by the same underhandedness that he did at Wrestlemania. Santino comes out to solve the Mystery GM gimmick. Hornswoggle was the answer. I think I was supposed to laugh. I’m drinking already. Still not funny.

Another replay, this time of Zack Ryder winning the battle royal. He deserved that and it’s a good way to hype Smackdown on the big show. Eve Torres comes out first. Bryan then AJ then Punk. Good order. The guys start the match. I just notice the time. It’s going to be really short or we’ve got over run kids. AJ tagged herself in. Eve is looking impressive. Playing the big woman well. AJ delivers on her end. Bryan backs away from a tag so that AJ can school girl Eve for the win. Bryan sells himself to AJ. Punk gets the stick to take it home. He does his thing. AJ walks over to him then slaps him. And returns the favor to Bryan. Another round of Yes! chants. Good stuff. I didn’t say all of the drama stuff was bad. -Kevin

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