John Cena Is Divorced

According to TMZ by way of Prowrestling.net, John Cena has been freed from his snatch overlord Elizabeth Huberdeau. She claimed back in May that she blindsided by the divorce papers served to her. Maybe if you would have tongued his ass hole like every divorcee that takes five year old Timmy to see the live WWE, John would still be with you. Huberdeau’s attorney Raymond Rafool said

All matters [in the divorce] have been settled and resolved amicably

Which of course means that they realized the prenuptial agreement was iron clad like the chastity belt that John still wasn’t allowed to unlock after three years of marriage and many years of dating. Since Huberdeau thought Cena was cheating on her before the divorce, I wish John good luck in trying to catch up to CM Punk in the banging out hot broads department. -Kevin

On a side note, is this fucker a Scientologist? Holy shit Tom Cruise has competition for quickie divorces. Of course John Cena doesn’t have psychic abilities nor shoots lasers from his dong. Allegedly. -Jeremy

What the hell is going on with Kharma?

So we here at Stunt Granny have been quiet about the entire Kharma situation with WWE. We chose this path because no one seems to know what the hell is going on with her contract. Has she been released? Is this a work? Did they really just release her? Oh, they didn’t? Wait, they did?

It has all been a rather confusing situation. But now, over at Gerweck.net, via the Wrestling Observer, she seems to be gone. Of course this can change so nothing is set in stone.

Despite WWE not making an official announcement, it is believed Kharma has been released by WWE. Her profile being moved to the Alumni section is not a work.

Kharma has reportedly told friends that WWE didn’t know what to do with her creatively.
source: wrestlingobserver.com

Read it a few times if you need but just let it soak in. Hell, here is the line again just in case your eyes are too shocked to move them slightly upward.

Kharma has reportedly told friends that WWE didn’t know what to do with her creatively.

Is there such a thing as sarcasm indifference?  If not, well, there is now and I have a large case of it. Is Kharma just feeding a line to her friends or is it possible that the gift that is Kharma was just too easy for the vastly talented writing staff of WWE to handle?  The very idea that not one person couldn’t come up with one idea for her is overloading my smart ass meter. If not unleashed it could create a tapestry of obscenities hanging in space over Lake Michigan.  It has to be untrue. It has to be. How could a group of people not just place her right back in the same program she was in before her maternity leave? The shit was written already. Go look at your god damn notes. Replace Kelly Kelly with Layla and all is well. Fuck how hard is this? You just signed Sara Del Ray dumb asses. You have Beth Phoenix on your roster.  You have two built in matches…..excuse me……

Oh yeah, it is WWE women’s wrestling. Nevermind. -Jeremy

Headlines: Halle Berry injured, Ultimate Warrior accused of fraud, WWE sued over shitty theme songs

It’s here?? Fuck! That’s not good news! It’s tough! Tough to listen to!

According to Prowrestling.net, Halle Berry was injured while shooting a fight scene for her upcoming WWE Studios film, “The Hive.” Of course, this would not have happened if the illustrious Ms. Berry hadn’t chosen to slum it and make a WWE Studios film. What’s next, the girl from “Swimfan” stubs her toe on the set of WWE Films “Preschool Detective”?

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Ultimate Warrior has been accused of fraud. Now, 22 years and 100 Dave Meltzer “Anabolic Warrior” references ago, this “fraud” joke would have written itself. This time, however, memorabilia dealer Christopher Elias is accusing Warrior of taking $28,000 in exchange for autographed ring gear and championship belts, among other items, and Warrior not delivering the goods. (Unlike Warrior’s coke dealer, Reggie, who always delivers the goods.) Elias intends to sue if Warrior doesn’t comply. In response to all of this, Warrior stated, “FUCK! Fuckin’ fuck!

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, songwriter Jim Papa has sued WWE over unpaid royalties for multiple wrestler theme songs written for the “WCW Slam Jam 1” album. Thank god there was never a 2. I mean, we all fondly remember “He’s a MAAAAAN cawled Stang!” and “He’s simply RAVishing, OWWWW!” from the year that was 1992. But do we really need to fight for the rights of shit like this?

Let’s revisit these lyrics, which start at about 0:51:

He’s a guy with values, he’s a family man
Loves his wife and son and does the best he can
Only wrestler that’s not hard to understand
Rick-y Steam-boat, the Dragon!
Blee dah dah blee… in the sports world
(long awkward pause)
When a man’s only fantasy is still the same girl
(major guitar riffage)
FRRAAAAME and fortune, titles he’s won
(rockin’ in the free world)
His biggest smile is fo-o-or his son
(wait for it, it gets sexy here)
I’m not sayin’ that women don’t fall all ooooover him
But he doooon’t give in, he’s a family murrrrn

And there may even be worse songs on this album. But Jim Papa poured his Texas-sized heart into this project and deserves to be paid for all the joy and value it brought to the table. That is to say, next time you’re in Texas, throw a bum a sandwich, it could be Jim Papa! -Eric

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