Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Review of @WWE #Raw1000

As Jeremy so eloquently put it, tonight starts my descent into madness. No, not the Aurora variety madness but the kind that makes me want to throw my lap top against a wall kind of madness. Tonight will likely be a very good, packed show. The writing will fall apart after tonight though. As for the poll below, I voted for “It doesn’t matter, the title was rendered meaningless long ago.” I’m not sure it was a long time ago but I had been long harping on the meaninglessness of the IC, US, Tag Team & Women’s Title. For some reason, since main event level guys held the belt, I didn’t think about it being meaningless. It is though. Mostly because as another choice point out “It doesn’t matter, John Cena is basically “the champ” anyway.” So, CM Punk may be merch champ and putting on spectacular matches, but you can tell the WWE doesn’t really favor him. Or even Sheamus. Enough editorial, time to do it during the review.

And just so you know, this is our 1850 post. Beat that WWE! We get a retrospective of Raw. It was a nice enough video package. Vince McMahon comes out first. I didn’t listen to his special email message that he sent out. Why is the chairman introducing Degeneration X? I’m guessing everyone else on the internet asked this question. They’re rebels who don’t, aw, you get it right? Even the video package accompanying their entrance seems lame. Shawn Michaels acts out of breath and really stupid. HHH checks for his underwear too. They introduce Road Dogg, Billy Gunn and X Pac. Gunn & Michaels get cutesy with another line. Damien Sandow interrupts the proceedings. You aren’t going to save us. We’re going to get this dreck for the rest of the three hours tonight and in the future. What did I type earlier? This episode would be fine? I’m taking that back already. They still have two words for us. Yuck. Time to get drunk.

I miss Jim Ross coming out because I wanted to get cake for my girl. Wink, wink. Rey Mysterio comes out before he can say a word. He’s teaming with the botch machine Sin Cara. Sheamus is on the team too. We can’t have too many matches tonight so let’s have huge tag team matches! Chris Jericho is still a heel by being on their team. Dolph Ziggler is out the chute next then Alberto Del Rio. Then a commercial.

Ziggler starts off against Sin Cara. Oh, by the way, no animosity between Mitchell Cool and Ross. Stupidity central. My vote is Jericho costing Ziggler and his team the match. Looks like Ziggler is going to cost Jericho the match. Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick. Not much of a match. What? JR is only calling one match? Fuck off WWE.

Why an I watching these dumb videos? I still don’t care about Tout. Charlie Sheen is hosting from Las Vegas. I’m glad he can Skype so we can plug something else. I buzzed through the replay of AJ & Daniel Bryan from last week. AJ then gets to talk to Layla. Of course dumb shit is happening outside of their locker room door. Kill me. The hand is grown up. Shouldn’t it be half black? Mark Henry was the father.

Sonic gets pimped. Why would wrestling be important during the 1000 Raw? Jack Swagger gets to lose to the Funkasaurus. Another match that doesn’t matter. Shazam app. Clay gets to introduce Dude Love. Splat was an accurate description from Cool. Swagger gets the Mandible Claw with the mandatory gullet use. Trish Stratus gets to talk yoga to HHH. We’re supposed to laugh again. We don’t.

Jerry Lawler introduces Slick as the officiant for the wedding. The girl disagrees with Daniel Bryan‘s choice of all white. I think it’s a slick look but might be tacky for a wedding. I think it’s mandatory to call a bride radiant. AJ is looking good. Even when you’re not in the WWE. Slick was feeding in to the “What” chants perfectly. The guy can still talk. AJ was saying “Yes” to someone else. Slick is awesome with his mouth agape. Vince McMahon proposed to her earlier. He names her the new GM of Raw. Wow, interesting. Slick even doing his job outside of the ring. Bryan isn’t doing a good job of looking angry. Why can’t she get married and have the job? I’m guessing an eplanation isn’t coming forth and he won’t be a baby face any time soon.

Bryan is in the ring yelling “No” while some refs idlely stand by. CM Punk comes out. I’m still getting used to the new DVR. Strange placement for this match unless this is just promo time. Bryan is the greatest of all time. These wrestlers are starting to remind me of Idiot Intern at the office. You have to be the greatest ever or it’s not worth talking about. The Rock comes out. Weird spot for him not being at the top or bottom of an hour. I dig the new shirt even if it’s just his tattoo. The Great One will be fighting for the title at Royal Rumble. Punk bringing the high heat. Bryan is doing OK but he’s in there with two of the best on the mic. Rock Bottom to finish things off. First good segment of the night.

Bret “The Hitman” Hart comes out for next. Wow, good luck mush mouth. He’s just introducing Christian and The Miz. The girl thinks the Miz looks like a swan by swinging his arm as he leaps onto the outside apron. She’s got a point. He looks really gay. The slicked back hair isn’t helping. Commercial break. I’m still way too far behind. I was hoping to catch up by about now. My beer habits are slowing me down. The Miz wins with no build up. Exciting, huge. I’m not buying what you’re selling. He won a fluke match. Chrisitan hurt himself diving outside the ring. He can’t claim much.Mitchell Cool gets to talk to, what I believe to be, a whacked out Charlie Sheen.

HHH comes out and I speed the process up. Now it’s time for serious HHH. Paul Heyman comes out first. We need to build up more anticipation. Steph comes out looking smoking hot. Can’t you teach your husband how to go to the gym? You just had your third child. Heyman gives us the message at the hour break. What timing. HHH gets the best of Brock so that we believe he has a chance. Brock is getting this win at the PPV. HHH is growing the chest hair. Good for him.

Kofi Kingston gets his appearance for the night on a Tout ad. Congrats for air time, I suppose. We get a commercial for WWE13. We get a retrospective of Stone Cold versus Vince. Well deserved. I still laugh at the Zamboni and beer truck.

I fast forward thru Santino & Hornswoggle‘s entrance and the doll fest. I am 100% not the demographic now. Heath Slater challenges anyone. Lita accepts the challenge. She’s looking better than the last time I saw her. For some reason, she grabs the mic. Lita hired protection. JBL & Ron Simmons shows up. All of the Legends that have face Slater send him back into the ring. I was hoping for a Simmons spine buster. Sean Mooney is interviewing Daniel Bryan. They must like him. Even more screen time.

Some moron gets mic time because we need to pimp more social media. Fozzie Bear hosts a segment about catch phrases. Zack Ryder claims that Mean Gene was behind G TV to John Cena. The Rock interrupts and they have a nice little exchange.

Kane is in the ring when Jinder Mahal leads out a bunch of scrubs including Camacho, Hunico, Tyler Reks, and who gives a shit, it’s the Undertaker. I didn’t think he’d miss but I did find it odd they didn’t advertise him at all. Giving him the full intro is the right thing to do but really strange when six guys wanted to attack your brother. Why are they waiting? Double choke slam and Tomb Stone. This segment got weird quick. They waited too long for the fire works display.

Charlie Sheen is given a lot of lines and he won’t back down from Daniel Bryan. He implies a match at Summerslam. I buzz through the entrances of John Cena and CM Punk. We’re in trouble. Only five minutes left until over run. Cool mentions the length of Punk’s reign again. I almost caught up but am still five minutes behind overall. Lawler mentions the MITB winners being 10 for 10. Why isn’t Mike Chioda doing this match? Nothing much doing in the match when the show “ended”. This match can’t get an appropriate amount of time. The Rock better cost someone this match. Ref bump. Cena doesn’t get the count. Big Show spears Cena. Interesting. I’m not a fan of this feud continuing but I could like the result. WMD.Punk can’t decide if he wants to take the win. Plenty of recovery time by WWE standards. “The conflict may have cost Punk.” How is that a may? Everyone who has been hit with the WMD have been pinned. Big Show comes back and attacks Cena. Now we have some questions. Is Punk going heel again? The Rock makes the save. Punk clothes lines the Rock. Awesome. GTS to the Rock. Nice. Punk standing tall at the end of the huge show. -Kevin

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2 Responses

  1. Great editorial before the review. 100% correct. It’s sad when the company can’t get behind two good, charismatic wrestlers who are also champions.

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