Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I’m running on five hours of sleep. It took me a bit longer to get back to Columbus than I would have liked. Mostly my fault so I don’t have anyone to blame but the guy behind the lap top. Oh well, that should make this review a bit more interesting than normal. Let’s roll.

I must have been the guy setting up the pyro rig. Time to FF already. I’m glad I tape this puppy already. CM Punk comes out and gets mostly cheers until he grabs a mic. He talks about Lawler’s closing words. Punk does a fantastic job explaining himself and why he attacked the Rock. The Big Show comes out to stick his big nose into the business. Lawler is flabbergasted. Why? Explain yourself. I tune out Show because even with his renewed push, he’s a joke. He may have finally had a Wrestlemania moment but it’s been all down hill since then. The heel turn may have put a little spice on his resume going heel but that is about it. John Cena attacks Big Show who dumps out of the ring. AJ Lee then comes out in a mini-Stephanie McMahon woman’s power outfit. Winner of Show vs Cena gets Punk at Summerslam. Wait, did a GM just make a match and leave? Should I have hope? Not yet.

Daniel Bryan goes to the GM door and walks away. Santino Marella comes to the ring. I FF thru Alberto Del Rio‘s entrance. I guess they couldn’t find an expensive car in Cincy. What, you’re expecting a joke out of me? Too many to chose from. Why are these two guys getting a commercial break match? Del Rio slaps on the arm bar shortly after the break. The match should have ended before the break. Del Rio isn’t competing because everyone is beneath him. Thank you WWE for doing something right. Bryan is still waiting at the door.

I FF thru the Funkasaurus‘s entrance. I do listen to Vickie Guerrero. The dance is terrible, not in a good way. Damien Sandow interrupts because someone who isn’t over needs more screen time. I do like Sandow’s offense except for his weak ass finisher. We get a long camera shot of him because the WWE has no idea what to do with three hours of TV. They review Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho.

Bryan finally goes into AJ‘s office. He starts to run her down then she stops him in his tracks. She is the only person to re-watch Raw. AJ gives him a clean slate by booking a match with Sheamus for him. More review of HHH & Brock Lesnar because the WWE has no idea what to do with three hours. Sheamus is fine with whatever stipulations versus Bryan, as he should be. Bryan is starting his de-push.

Iron Sheik sounds off on Olympics, Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, Jose Canseco, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise…

“Hey, fackan Lepak! You wanna challenge de real legen Arn Sheik for MY belt? FACK you, jabroni!”

Wow. I mean…

Come up with a signature move and name Jordan Burroughs could use in London?
“The Jordan.” Not like the Michael Jordan but he still the Real American. He can break the pinkie finger like Sheikie. He break people back with his pinkie. Because he a big strong [expletive] for America. I be happy. His name could be “the Real” and his finisher be “the Humble.” Give me a hell yeah!

How do you feel about the “Flying Squirrel” nickname Ellis Coleman gave himself? 
Flying squirrel remind me of Ultimate Warrior because he a little rat when he jump in ring like that idiot Jose Canseco or Mel Gibson. I would never respect the squirrel because the squirrel have no [expletive].

Wow, aggressive. Could the Iron Sheik beat any of the current wrestlers on Team USA? 
In my day I beat living [expletive] out of all Olympian who challenge the legend. I put them in a camel clutch, break they back [two or three expletives], and make them humble. But now I am not in same shape as before so I don’t [expletive] with them.

How would the Olympics benefit from adding ropes around the mat?
The rope protect you and you cannot run away like little [expletive] in ring like Jose Canseco.

How would Hulk Hogan do against the current Olympic team?
Hulk Hogan don’t last long like because [a few expletives] he not a real man like the Sheiky baby. He get beat bad like [wow… not printing that] and never make it to Olympics. Only for the Olympics for being [or that]. [editors note: He definitely hates Hogan.]

Are you ready for a comeback?
I know if I training I can beat the [expletive] out of anybody who [expletive] with me. I am the real legend not like the jabroni the Tom Cruise.

How do you feel about the American wrestling team this year?
They all workers but need to pay their due to be legend like Iron Sheik. Buy my [expletive] shirt!! USA #1!

God, that’s fucking great. I feel like I just took a bath in holy water. Thanks to Prowrestling.net for the heads-up about this thing of beauty. Now by my fackan shirt! -Eric