Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I was supposed to have a review up of Wrestlelution for PRIME Wrestling. I have my explanation for it’s tardiness and at least half of the review typed up. Unfortunately, it’s not clogging up my DVR like Raw. So this article is going up first. Let’s roll.

I didn’t even have time at the office today to read the results from Summerslam. So Brock made HHH to tap? Nice of Paul Heyman to give us this info. I still don’t understand why Brock isn’t using the mic more. I might have missed why they were paging Scott Armstrong. Oh, it’s to make sure the rules were followed. Good job, nice baby swerve. The Brockdagon. Hilarious. They have done a good job of, for lack of a better term, rebuilding Lesnar. Even my woman knows after watching three months of wrestling that HHH is retired already any way.

OK, so CM Punk won two matches at Summerslam? Boy, I should really read that review. For some reason, R Truth & Kofi Kingston give out dolls for some reason. Why weren’t they giving out their own dolls? Sin Cara is their partner. They are taking on the Pupu Platter of Cody Rhodes & the Prime Time Players. Mitchell Cool had to be told a bark wasn’t for the Florida Gators. What a dumb ass. I’ve heard of barking spiders but that’s about farting. If he’d ever watched a football game, he’d have seen the Gator chomp. Commercial break.

I’m not digging Kofi going with the Superman colors. He is matching R Truth at least. At least Lawler made fun of Cool a bit for calling it the Q bark. Cody is dumb again. The mask costs him a third match. The match was the usual six man tag. I hope the Players can get a win if they’re going to keep them in the title hunt. Matt Striker reminds us that he’s still a douche. I forgot that David Otunga was in that train wreck of a movie with Halle Berry. He looks really odd without a goat. AJ gives him a match. Punk gets to approve his next opponent with her approval. It has potential.

I FF thru Ryback‘s match until Jinder Mahal attacked. This attack would help if Mahal hadn’t been a bitch for his whole WWE TV career. Lawler doesn’t think Ryback can lift up two guys even though he’s done it several times on Raw. Glad to know you watch your own product. Chris Jericho beat Dolph Ziggler who challenges him again. AJ plays ring around the posey. JEricho has his contract terminated if he loses or Dolph loses his MITB contract. Alberto Del Rio is mad because he probably lost again.

Jimminy cricket, Del Rio got cheating. Fucking A. This guy sucks. Why do you keep giving him chances? He’s got no heat. AJ makes her third appearance. She books him against Randy Orton. He is taking his grand old time. And we get a commercial. Sheamus shows his face. He gets to go on commentary. They go to some weird far shot when Cool introduces us into the second hour. The match has been fine. Of course, Randy Orton gets in Sheamus’s face for helping out. It doesn’t cost him because his leg is on the rope. Del Rio then yells at Sheamus. RKO for the win. CM Punk had to beat Big Show twice. The interviewer isn’t doing a good job of explaining why the result was controversial. It would help to describe it better for those of us who didn’t order it or read the reviews.

Antonio Cesaro should not need the Cobra to be distracted by Aksana for him to beat Santino. I’m glad he’s US Champ even if the title means nothing, people tend to move on and up from it. The WWE does nice stuff. The Funkasaurus will continue to get his full entrance as long as we have three hours of TV.

Damien Sandow comes out after the commercial break. It would be fun if the Funkadactyls did more cheerleader type stuff. The crowd is silent. It’s strange how quiet they are. Brodus gets a couple of claps after a running head butt. Sandow gets a roll up victory with a hand full of tights. The baby face attacks the heel after the match. Always makes sense.

Shawn Michaels gets to be interviewed by the WWE’s biggest ignoramus. Michaels doing a great job of explaining how the end comes about. I still love him when he’s not goofy side kick guy.

The Big Show takes on the returning David Otunga. Cool mentions the controversy but they don’t address it either but will later with pictures. WMD for the win. The back stage footage airs of Big Show. I love the speech. Let him when if you’re going to keep doing this. Make your damned minds up. He’s worthy of a belt or you want to keep him down.

I buzz thru the intros of Kane & Zack Ryder and Daniel Bryan & The Miz. Lawler calling out Cool but can’t follow it up with any gusto. Look, Daniel Bryan attacked him, you can use that to embarrass your partner. It’s your job. Daniel Bryan accidentaly hit The Miz, who ends up leaving. Bryan runs off thru the crowd. Kane ends up attacking Ryder. Boring. What was the point of that? The heels can’t defend themselves? They’re all chicken shits? John Cena gets the back stage interview. Why aren’t one of the announcers doing that job? Maybe they’re supposed the weird camera guy is supposed to be asking dumb questions? He’s done it three times. Striker gets to interview CM Punk who picks John Cena as his next opponent.

I just noticed that dilemma is spelled wrong in the photo. Block heads. Diva’s Battle Royal. Kaitlyn wins this on, right? She’s the flavor of the month even though she’s uglied herself up. She may have lost to Eve on Smackdown but that’s only to make the interactions with Booker T so much more fun. Controversy is the best. Mitchell Cool calls it “riveting action.” I’m glad he’s picking up my sarcasm. Kaitlyn is the flavor of the month. A cabinet member can’t wrestle too. Another reason to have Eve when that particular match up. Hold on, did the WWE use logic? Too bad no one cares about the Divas. Brock Lesnar is leaving the WWE again. I’m not a fan of him actually saying that. Let him stay off TV.

Vickie tells Dolph he needs to win for her. Dolph delivers a good promo. After a Vickie freak out, Dolph chills that bitch out.

My woman is going to be disappointed when Jericho isn’t around any more. Nothing happening in their match before the break. Dolph is in control of the match after the break. Good work being done by both men. No one is surprised. Dolph is delivering another good match against a good opponent. Zig Zag for the big win. Nice although it’s another strange twist. Jericho gets the “big” win at Summerslam but then the WWE gives away the rematch 24 hours later with a different result. Are they putting Dolph’s big moment on TV because more people watch it? Another baby face attacks a heel after the match. Yep, makes COMPLETE sense.

CM Punk tries to get an apology out of Lawler but John Cena hits the ring. Punk getting into his real speech. He’s laying into him pretty well. He’s fitting everything into this speech. You are a merchandise machine yourself Punk. Fruity Pebbles are just easier to see. Cena respects the crowd and that’s why he gets a reaction. Um, OK. Fuck these guys. 3:05 is enough time to record. I just got cut off. Fit your damn program into those time constraints. It’s way more than you need. -Kevin

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