Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I had to lead off with one of the more ridiculous things my room mate has ever said to my girlfriend. Really, he has a whole lot of those but this one happened on Saturday. We were getting ready to go see Jim Norton over at the Funny Bone so I was making some pasta and tomato sauce. If anyone has read this column before, you know it’s a regular practice. As the sauce was cooking, I went up to take a shower leaving her down here to keep things in order. Roomie shows up plowed out of his mind (thanks to his brother in law. The one attached to the baby momma and the only reason he’s living in my basement. We’ll get to that insanity some other time.) and tells my girl that he taught me everything I knew about wine. Evidently he invited me over to his place to take informal classes and was taught how to pick my wines. He then decided to give the tomato sauce a little stir and told her “It wasn’t thick enough.” I was told this while we drove to the Funny Bone and I had quite a hearty laugh. I didn’t ever go over to his place for wine classes. I got most of my wine knowledge when I lived near Tuscan vineyards. We actually had a class on it while I was studying in Florence. As for his critique of my tomato sauce, he was correct but that’s only because it hadn’t cooked the proper length of time yet. What a dolt. Let’s roll.

Two referees in two weeks. What the hell is going on in Vince’s world? Is he that stuck on the NFL’s terrible referees? After a brow beating by CM Punk, Paul Heyman does it too. Vince is stuck on the NFL. Their ratings aren’t in the toilet. My girl doesn’t think the short shorts are GM leg wear. I beg to differ. AJ Lee sends him the ref to the back. I am pretty tired of the employees running things in wrestling. Punk re-shows the video of AJ proposing to him. Punk is being a real creep. That’s a good thing. Paul, you’re not going to trump any of those power couples. Just knock it off. Does the board not watch when sexual harassment is going on?

We get more referee TV time. The WWE keeps forgetting how many wrestlers they have on the roster. AJ promises to fire him while looking out into space. I like her acting but still don’t care for the story line of “Let’s fire every GM every show.” We have a Twitter fight turned into a wrestling match. Dolph Ziggler is taking on Kofi Kingston who is apparently still in a tag team since R Truth comes to the ring with him. Can’t someone take this loss to Ziggler that isn’t in a big tag team? From the tweets, it looks as made up as any bad WWE story. All story, little match before the break.

I want to break my lap top when Criss Angel weighs in on Lil’ Jimmy. Kofi is not helping out the quality of the match. Ziggler seems to be a little out of place on some of these moves too. Kofi is one of the few guys who could get the rise out of the crowd that he did since it’s believable he could win. Zig Zag for the win after a couple of near falls. Jim Ross & Mitchell Cool tell us about John Cena‘s injury. He’s going to give us a live update.

After Smackdown rewind, we another Daniel Bryan and therapist who happen to have a nice view of K Mart. No one is shocked. Kane is taking Bryan’s order. It’s a Stunt Granny! Another fairly funny segment.

Zack Ryder & Santino Marella is taking on the Prime Time Players. Ryder and Darren Young start the match off. Ryder tags out way too quickly. Titus O’Neil takes forever to pin Santino. It just seems like they could have give PTP some mic time after that. There’s a Special Guest on top of Criss Angel. I couldn’t be less excited.

Mick Foley is the surprise? I love the guy but he doesn’t deserve build up. He questions CM Punk who comes out with a quickness. Punk shills Foley’s new book. Foley doing a good job talking about a text. The best thing that can happen for me when watching this show is that I stop typing. Both guys knocked it out of the park.

Ryback is taking on the the Miz. Ryback using power early. Miz doing a good job of sticking and moving. Ryback’s finisher is still wimpy. Why are people chanting along with him? I just don’t get it. Bryan & Kane start bonding by talking a hitting people with a chair. My girl thinks they’ve ruined When Harry Met Sally for her. I thought it was a fun skit.

AJ Lee gives the referees a pep talk. Alberto Del Rio comes in towing David Otunga & Ricardo. Sheamus, Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara are their opponents. Ricardo takes off the neck brace and runs out of the room. Doesn’t that finish the Brogue Kick is lethal argument? Wade Barrett is taking on Tyson Kidd. Another tag team guy is taking a singles loss. The girl is now mocking replays because of how hard they’re advertising WWE13. She’s too observant for her own good. Wade Barrett wins with the elbow. Oh, it’s called the Souvenir? How fucking dumb.

Mitchell Cool gets to interview Jerry “The King” Lawler. He’s excited to be back. You’ve got to expect this many well wishes. I’m sorry, there’s too many ways to get a hold of someone these days. It can still mean a lot to you. He’ll be back when the doctors allow him. I was expecting an angle to happen. I’m glad it didn’t.

Holy shit, they take a break after the heel intros (Del Rio, Ounga & Rodriguez), come back for the face intros (Rey, Sin Cara & Sheamus) then throw it back to commercial for the start of the match. Impressive. Sin Cara gets to sell first. Rey gets to sell second. Alberto looks even worse when he’s wrestling against Rey. Poor Ricardo. Mini Senton Bomb for the win. They kept him out of the ring too.

We get our third therapy session of the night. They are given dishes the other would eat. Those meatballs aren’t as good as mine. They both barely nibble on their food. Kane fake burps. Bryan fakes pukes in the therapist’s lap. Mitchell gets to sell the new tag team name. She freaks out about the naming thing because of how leading it is. She doesn’t like nay of them. Kane & Bryan get attacked my the Rhodes Scholars, Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow. The tag division gets some more attention.

Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres are taking on Layla El & Alicia Fox. Eve gets in the hidden tag so that she can finish off Alica witha  neck breaker. These matches are quicker than normal. Kaitlyn accuses a blonde of attacking her. We get no footage though which is mysterious. Kaitlyn looks confused after the Eve attack of Beth.

Tensai takes on the Funkasaurus to determine who is in the dog house. They both miss splashes when the Big Show comes back. I guess neither of the gets the stamp of approval. Brodus Clay is a dumb shit for running at Show. People might dig him if he’s just a bad ass.

I don’t bother listening to the cheers & boos as John Cena scuffles to the ring. He pimps the Rise Above Cancer for it’s massive support. He kicks into regular promo mode. It makes no sense that he’s trying to sell his injury as career threatening. He’s guaranteeing he’ll fight at Hell In A Cell. CM Punk finally comes out again. He taunts a kid with a five. Punk tells Cena to be a politician. Punk sticks with beating up the crowd to get boos. Cena attacks him with a pipe. It was a good segment but I’m just tired. 3 hours with lots of filler is no way to spend a Monday night. -Kevin

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