Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #HellInACell

I bought this pay per view at the last minute. I’m pretty interested in whether Ryback wins or not. I’m still leaning towards CM Punk keeping the belt.

Randy Orton (with a new hairdo so I guess he’s done filming) against Alberto Del Rio. I miss the first couple of minutes trying to do the introduction. I had to take the dogs on a short spin. This weather blows. It ranks up there for worst weather ever for a Columbus Crew game. It was top five ever. Del Rio is even terrible at mocking. This portion of the match has been solid so far. I need to pee really bad. I’m hoping for a break in the action.What the fuck did Del Rio just attempt off the top rope? Why does this guy keep getting chances? Why? Of course he locks in a cross arm breaker right after royally fucking up. Orton turns it into a school boy pin. RKO for the win. Enjoy your time in Kofi Kingston limbo, Alberto!

Paul Heyman tries to work Vickie Guerrero but it doesn’t seem to work. Daniel Bryan & Kane comes out first. Damien Sandow gets the mic when he comes out with Cody Rhodes. We are the tag team champions. They’re getting decent enough heat. Solid match so far with Daniel Bryan taking the beating after some sustained offense. My girl tells me that I missed Sandow flipping off Kane. Trying to make dinner in this process of watching HIAC. Bryan tags back in after Kane cleaned house. They start arguing. Kane disposes of Sandow. Bryan tosses Rhodes onto Kane. Bryan accidentally hits Kane in stead of Rhodes. Cross Rhodes but Kane makes the save. Kane starts going crazy. DQ cheap-o loss. I can dig this sort of. Rhodes & Sandow deserve more time in the spot light. So do Bryan & Kane. They have another month before the act is completely stale.

The Miz gets a promo before his match against Kofi Kingston. I’m uninterested in this match. It’s going on but I’m not caring. Miz kicks out of an SOS which is the first big move of the match. I do like the calf breaker Miz executed.  Nice of JR to allude to the Marcus Lattimore injury from this past Saturday. One of the ugliest injuries I’ve ever seen. The Miz takes off kofi’ protective padding. Oh No! Single leg Boston Crab which I still don’t understand. You have more control over their body if you have both legs. Small package for Kofi. Cocky pin after the DDT on Kofi only gets a two count. Kingston chucks Miz outside the ring. He catches Miz with Trouble in Paradise for the win.

My girl thinks that it’s bull honky that neither of the participants in the US Championship are American. Antonio Cesaro takes on Justin Gabriel. JBL keeps running thru the history of Gabriel’s family history. He does quite the sales job. Cesaro got the early jump. She’s still complaining about no American in this match. Gabriel gets a near fall after a DDT. He misses the 450 but still took advantage. Super uppercut on Gabriel from a spring board to the outside of the ring. Neutralizer for the win. Solid. Not excited about his gimmick still.

Paul Heyman tries to sell not having a match for CM Punk. Vickie Guerrero is still not buying it. Rey Mysterio still gets a match for some reason. With Sin Cara. They’re taking on the Prime Time Players. Sin Cara ends up the beating for their team. Titus runs his shoulder into the ring post to get something happening in this match. Rey got the hot tag against Darren Young. Rey nails the 619 & Dropping The Dime. I start to wonder whether Sin Cara really got hurt. I dig PTP so the loss sucks.

Mental break so I flip the World Series. Tigers up 2-1 in the bottom of the 5th. Good for Maes. Sheamus comes out first against the Big Show. Is it only the Punk vs Ryback the only HIAC match? I expected this match to be that way. JBL showing up again as the big voice. He’s selling Big Show. Too bad he’s going to lose again. JBL is doing a good job of going with the football analogies too. Big Show tossing Sheamus outside is a cool visual. Sheamus is a big guy to be throwing around. Big splash by Big Show only gets a two count. He goes for the choke slam. Sheamus counters into a DDT. Sheamus tries to do a version of the chest pounding on the top rope. Big Show nails the choke slam but Sheamus kicks out. Big Show goes to the outside. Sheamus uses the post a weapon. Sheamus nails White Noise. Kick out. KO Punch after a missed Brogue Kick. The crowd goes mildly crazy. The announcers go full on nuts. Brogue Kick after a missed WMD. Big Show kicks out. Nice. Big Show with a 2nd KO punch for the win. Wow. I’m surprised. If they want to make him feel important though, he needed a win like this one. The kid’s reaction in the crowd was fantastic.

Booker T, Eve Torres, Zack Ryder and Santino Marella get a segment that ends with Ron Simmons giving us a Damn. Eve is the only one in the crew to have a match. Layla El & Kaitlyn are her opponents. The crowd is crapping on this match. The ladies are doing an OK job. Eve tosses Layla outside the ring but it isn’t enough for her to pin Kaitlyn. She nails the spring board bulldog on Eve. Kaitlyn power slams Layla. Eve gets the cheap pin on Layla. Well played in the story context. If Kaitlyn wins, she needs it in a singles match.

Big Show gets to crow to Josh Matthews. He tells us everyone’s worst nightmare has come true. Sheamus is sensitive to light. Matt Striker gives us this update.

The champion (CM Punk) comes out for the main even first which seems to be a theme tonight. Ryback comes out to luke warm applause. They’re not giving this match a whole lot of time. Punk plays stay away to start the match. Ryback gets a big boot into the chest to start the offense. Punk got clotheslined to the outside. Punk gets tossed into the Cell by Ryback. Punk gives Ryback the fire extinguisher. He takes advantage. Punk back fires on a chair. Ryback tosses him back into the ring.  Punk gets caught on a third double axe handle attack. Ryback shoulders himself into the stairs. High knee followed by a clothesline. Big elbow by Punk. He goes to work on Ryback with a kendo stick. Big clothesline by Ryback. He goes for Shell Shock. The referee low blows Ryback. CM Punk gets the cheap win. Ryback is fed the ref. He then attacks Punk. Ryback goes back to attacking the ref. Dude knows how to take a bump. Punk climbs up to the top of the cell. Ryback follows. Shell Shock on top of the Cell. A pretty weak ending. Sheamus vs Big Show was the highlight of the night. -Kevin

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