Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

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What a strange start to the evening. I’m not even talking about watching American Horror Story: Asylum. I’ll get into that later. Maybe. I’m being told about the shenanigans at my girl’s office party. That’s going to be a blast on Friday.

The intro reminded me of a problem the WWE has, technology isn’t always your friend. The videos from the Shield are too crisp. A promotion like Prime Wrestling, though less advanced in technology department, lends itself to this type of video. Krimson has been the king of them. They look gritty and real. The Shield’s videos, again, are nicely produced and use the static photoshop function. It’s like a high tech Instagram. Dolph Ziggler gets to start the show. Nice. He cuts a solid promo. Sheamus gets to throw some jabs at him. I like the new shirt but I have a column up my sleeve talking about t shirt differences with other companies. The Big Show gets to warn Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler. Sheamus dumps Ziggler to the outside to end things. About par for the course for my boy. No respect.

Antonio Cesaro & Kofi Kingston are at the announce desk with Wade Barrett when Vince McMahon comes out to cut a promo. What the fuck is going on? Are those three gentlemen supposed to get a rub? My woman is on to Vickie Guerrero’s wardrobe again. She’s pretty sure she only wears one pair of shoes. I think we missed Vickie being given a match against AJ Lee later in the night. R Truth comes out after that frankenpromo. I’m not sure what happened to Kofi’s mic skills. Cesaro isn’t any better behind the headset. Barrett loses to R Truth with a roll up. I want toss my computer. Why are you doing that to Barrett?

AJ Lee is excited backstage. She even hugs Kaitlyn. AJ walks into the men’s locker room. This could be the funniest thing John Cena has ever done. The Prime Time Players, Epico & Primo and the Usos are in the ring while Cody Rhodes comes to the ring with a pedo mustache. The two teams no one cares about start the thing. Mitchell Cool ripping Lawler for the reused jokes. Awesome. Primo gets pinned. No one cares that a commercial is happening.

Jey Uso is working over Damien Sandow. I’ve been surprised, holy shit, they beat the PTP during the commercial break? I was talking about the Usos. They do get an oddly good reaction as I noted in my live report. The third frog splash gets the knees. Cody with the Cross Rhodes. The right team won.

Alicia Fox is wearing a Marines inspired outfit. First time I’ve taken note of her in a while. Eve Torres is her opponent because they’ve got no idea what to do with the Diva’s Division. Why did Eve kick out after faking the injury? Alicia looking awfully strong. Eve with the neck breaker. Snooze. She’s posing over Alicia Fox. OK, kind of funny.

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Headlines: Kurt Angle tears groin, Evolve/DGUSA make huge (read: small) announcement

According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle tore his groin during his match at TNA Final Resolution this past Sunday. Important things to note here:

  • Angle turned 44 on Saturday. That doesn’t make him old, but that doesn’t make him young.
  • Angle continues to bang himself up – knees, hamstrings, groins – to the tune of a lot of money and to the delight of, what, 1,400 fans worldwide?
  • When we make fun of wrestlers being fragile, we compare them to Kevin Nash, because his injuries all seemed to happen in WWE. We ignore Kurt Angle, because he’s basically wrestling in Dixie Carter’s back yard, so it doesn’t count.

Angle tweeted that he’d wrestle through the injury because he is a “cyborg.” According to Wikipedia, one characteristic of a cyborg is that “Cyborgs in fiction often play up a human contempt for over-dependence on technology.” We all know Angle very much entrenched in his own fictional world (or, as I like to call it, full of shit), so this is in direct conflict with his over-dependence on the technology of Twitter. Time to close the account!

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Evolve announced Saturday at its iPPV, “18” ( :-S ) that it had a huge announcement: John Morrison and the Young Bucks are headed back to Evolve/DGUSA in 2013! Holy cotton balls! The money I didn’t spend on Evolve 18 almost cowered in my wallet out of fear that I might yank it out and plop it down on a PPV featuring three guys at a total combined weight of 412 pounds and a total combined skill level of Paul Roma.

No one outside Twitter or “Z True Long Island Story” has seen hide nor hair of John Morrison in six months (CWF SuperClash does not count), and the last notable thing the Young Bucks did was piss off Booker T, the nicest guy in wrestling. Here’s hoping the Internet doesn’t erupt when all 1,399 people order that show! -Eric

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