Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

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What a strange start to the evening. I’m not even talking about watching American Horror Story: Asylum. I’ll get into that later. Maybe. I’m being told about the shenanigans at my girl’s office party. That’s going to be a blast on Friday.

The intro reminded me of a problem the WWE has, technology isn’t always your friend. The videos from the Shield are too crisp. A promotion like Prime Wrestling, though less advanced in technology department, lends itself to this type of video. Krimson has been the king of them. They look gritty and real. The Shield’s videos, again, are nicely produced and use the static photoshop function. It’s like a high tech Instagram. Dolph Ziggler gets to start the show. Nice. He cuts a solid promo. Sheamus gets to throw some jabs at him. I like the new shirt but I have a column up my sleeve talking about t shirt differences with other companies. The Big Show gets to warn Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler. Sheamus dumps Ziggler to the outside to end things. About par for the course for my boy. No respect.

Antonio Cesaro & Kofi Kingston are at the announce desk with Wade Barrett when Vince McMahon comes out to cut a promo. What the fuck is going on? Are those three gentlemen supposed to get a rub? My woman is on to Vickie Guerrero’s wardrobe again. She’s pretty sure she only wears one pair of shoes. I think we missed Vickie being given a match against AJ Lee later in the night. R Truth comes out after that frankenpromo. I’m not sure what happened to Kofi’s mic skills. Cesaro isn’t any better behind the headset. Barrett loses to R Truth with a roll up. I want toss my computer. Why are you doing that to Barrett?

AJ Lee is excited backstage. She even hugs Kaitlyn. AJ walks into the men’s locker room. This could be the funniest thing John Cena has ever done. The Prime Time Players, Epico & Primo and the Usos are in the ring while Cody Rhodes comes to the ring with a pedo mustache. The two teams no one cares about start the thing. Mitchell Cool ripping Lawler for the reused jokes. Awesome. Primo gets pinned. No one cares that a commercial is happening.

Jey Uso is working over Damien Sandow. I’ve been surprised, holy shit, they beat the PTP during the commercial break? I was talking about the Usos. They do get an oddly good reaction as I noted in my live report. The third frog splash gets the knees. Cody with the Cross Rhodes. The right team won.

Alicia Fox is wearing a Marines inspired outfit. First time I’ve taken note of her in a while. Eve Torres is her opponent because they’ve got no idea what to do with the Diva’s Division. Why did Eve kick out after faking the injury? Alicia looking awfully strong. Eve with the neck breaker. Snooze. She’s posing over Alicia Fox. OK, kind of funny.

CM Punk comes out on crutches. Him & Paul Heyman do a good job of telling us he has a legitimate injury. Nice transition into the Rock feud. The girl brings up a good point, should they be promoting the Royal Rumble with a go home show occurring? They continue to clarify the main event for TLC right after the promo. The Shield shouldn’t be losing already.

Sheamus is taking on my boy Dolph Ziggler. My boy must have gotten it pretty bad on that fall with the wrap on his left leg. I don’t pay attention to the beginning of the match. Oh well, the commercial break catches my eye. My boy is getting a weak chant from the crowd. The match has been solid. Ziggler tries to steal one. He could have used to but Mike Chioda caught him. Sheamus catches Dolph then tosses him like a rag doll. I think Mitchell’s headset is on the fritz. Super X-Factor by Dolph only gets him a two count. The Shield needs to interfere on this injustice. How can Dolph be part of the foundation if he loses all the damn time? Dolph with a nice duck. Dolph goes crazy with a chair shots but got out of the Brogue kick, I think.

Vickie Guerrero is helped by Hornswoggle & the Great Khali to stretch when Vince McMahon shows up for some potty humor. My girl is pretty sure she bought the same scarf as Alberto Del Rio at Kohl’s tonight.

Del Rio gets to beat Zack Ryder. Del Rio is getting to lose to Ryback. Evidently Ricardo is wearing my girl’s scarf with pride. Good to know. Ryder is putting up more of a fight than I expected. Plenty of Guidos in the crowd. Cross arm breaker. Snooze. Why is that douche bag holding up a fake mini belt with pride?

AJ Lee comes out first against Vickie. So they’re going to blow thru this feud for AJ too? Didn’t think of that part earlier. What is this weird ref shortage happen. Brad Maddox comes down wearing the stripes. Isn’t this like rehiring Danny Davis? Vickie jumps AJ as she argues with Maddox. So Vince is going to let this one slip? Why wasn’t AJ all over Vickie to start with? This match has more questions than answers. AJ has decent in ring skills but they’ve reduced her to a brawler which she is decidedly not. AJ has the pin when Maddox stands around. Maddox counts for Vickie. Another good question, why is Brad Maddox still on my TV? AJ freaks out again. She put a good slap on Justin Roberts. You should have just kept kicking Vickie’s ass if Maddox wouldn’t count.Why does the person always get upset? The paid off ref will need to do something if you go above and beyond in the hurting their money source.

AJ is consoled by John Cena. I guess we needed that? Antonio Cesaro needs to think about waxing his legs. Yep, not my opinion again. Kofi Kingston is man enough to shave his legs because they must be thick. The things you learn not watching by yourself. Cesaro got some nice air time on the monkey flip. They get a commercial break. Kofi almost gets the cheap roll up win. Cesaro sleeps on the floor. That sounds uncomfortable. Spine buster for a two count. European Forearm to the back of the head looked vicious. Cesaro looked impressive catching Kofi. Neutralizer. Nice. His gimmick could use some work still.

The Miz comes out for his TV show. He is sporting a nice suit. Loving the trim on the jacket. More Cody stache. There’s even a missing patch on his left side. Damien Sandow is on this team. The Miz wonders whether the facial hair migrated from Sandow to Rhodes. The Miz making every cheap joke possible. The crowd is into the segment more than last week. Miz sounds more confident in this dreck. He does a good job of trying to drive of wedge between them. Rhodes & Sandow are offended and leave. Another hilarious insider sex joke. AJ wants to join John Cena. He explains why she should stay in the back.

Dolph Ziggler gets headset time while I FF thru the John Cena & Big Show entrances. Big Show on the offensive early. Cena does s decent job of recovering from a botched sleeper hold. Jerry Lawler asks a real question about the condition of Ziggler’s leg. Weird. Break time. The Big Show is dominating again. Ziggler calling Cena’s chance at the WWE Title again an “injustice.” Cue The Shield on Sunday when Cena is ready to grab the briefcase? Big Show misses the second splash. Cena gets his Superman comeback. Cena with the AA but can’t pin Big Show. Seth Rollins attacks first. The others join in. We didn’t see Ryback yet either. Or Team Hell No. Weird way to promote a big match on your pay per view. Big Show sits down on a table. Ryback tosses a ladder at the Shield. Dummies, you had time to block it. Big brawl to end the show. It was fun and the result of Punk’s injury. -Kevin

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