Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Fat-Guy-In-A-Little-Beach

That was the champion of Ring of Honor after his Ladder War with El Generico who I thought signed with the WWE after this match (I got no idea why. He’s tall but that’s it.) and he hasn’t been on ROH TV for the rest of 2012 except in highlights at the top of the year. Kevin Steen could barely beat a bean pole who hasn’t wrestled all year. I almost forgot to mention Kevin Kelly comparing this rivalry to classic sports rivalries. When I’m not aware of a feud, it’s not that epic, Kevin. Quit ruining a great name. Then just for icing on the cake (Probably extra thick for Steen), he laid on a ladder like a beached whale. Stay classy, ROH. Let’s roll.

Vince McMahon is cramming so much crap into this show, he doesn’t even get a ring entrance. Good lord, he’s blowing himself. At least he has a good suit on this week. Hard to go wrong with black with white shirt. Howard Finkel could have been a better hype man. Big Show is making his pitch. Vince goes for the title fat joke. Nice. Damn, three man booth even if JBL is awesome. Big Show going kind of racist. Alberto Del Rio (along with a very windy Ricardo Rodriguez)  gets to join the circus. Del Rio is a dip shit and puts his title on the line. It’s Dora The Explorer for wrestling fans when they chant in Spanish.

For some reason, Randy Orton is fighting Wade Barrett again. These guys have done battle too much in the recent past. Commercial. Let’s see if I catch up tonight. Hard doing a fantasy hockey draft while doing the column too. Holy shit, I was not paying attention to this match because I figured Orton would win. Instead, Barrett wins clean. Color me shocked.

Booker T lays the Smackdown on Eve Torres before her match. Teddy Long is their for moral support. I guess she is gone after tonight. I don’t get the use of the Diva’s. They spend the last 6-12 months building her up into the biggest Diva of right now and they let her walk? Now we get our Kane & Daniel Bryan segment with Doctor Shelby. They give us a psychology lesson when Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes show up. Not their best segment. Kane takes on Sandow after the commercial break. Kane wins in another match that doesn’t matter.

Mick Foley is introduced as the first nominee in the WWE Hall of Fame. Good deal. The Shield comes down before Foley can go anywhere. Ryback, Randy Orton & Sheamus make the save. Okay. Ryback makes a good stance on the conspiracy and not being concerned about it. Feed Me Shield. That is way too shoe horned.

Eve Torres comes out to lose her title to Kaitlyn who is so important that she doesn’t get an entrance. Even with a nice leg triangle on Kaitlyn. Eve looked like she was doing too much of the work. The crowd is somewhat hot for Kaitlyn in her hometown. Kaitlyn kicks out of Eve’s neck breaker finisher. Kaitlyn with a gut buster that tosses Eve outside. Kaitlyn spears Eve when they get back in for the win. People are cheering. Good for her, she’s smoking hot and a somewhat decent wrestler. Brodus Clay is still alive. He cuts a short but effective promo. Is that what’s been holding him back?

I did forget to mention that Clay has moved up to shirt status. Let’s see if that means anything. Not that he’d ever win this match against CM Punk but he’ll get a better showing if he’s going to get traction soon. JBL is selling for Clay. Punk wins with the Anaconda Vice. Makes sense since he probably can’t GTS Clay. Punk gets around to talking about opinions and facts. Ho hum for him.

Mick Foley gets to talk to the Rock who rudely interrupts him from talking to his children. Vickie Guerrero gets her air time. Okay.

Sheamus takes on 3MB in an over the top rope challenge. JBL calls it bad for 3MB. I call it bad for everyone involved, the viewers, the wrestlers and even the announcers. How do you sell this garbage? Heath Slater wins with the help of Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre from the outside. Another surprise finish but it doesn’t matter since Sheamus mauled them during and after the match. John Cena is interviewed by Josh Matthews. Brayden Walker reference. Nice.

The Miz is trying to be a hype man. Are they turning him into their own version of Pit Bull? Ric Flair is his guest. We get a Woo off. It was a magical moment for the Miz. Why? You know how lame it was. He even has to labor trying to get Flair to do his trademark bit. Antonio Cesaro interrupts when Flairs stumbles over himself. Cesaro is being an ass. Awesome. Not like the Miz awesome. Bad choice of words. The Miz defends him. Flair unloads with chops. Skull Crushing Finale. Figure Four. Yuck. What an awful segment.

Daniel Bryan is out to wrestle Cody Rhodes. Cody gets to recycle his old mirrors so that he can trim his mustache. He can’t get over with some dumb gimmick. Rhodes taps out to the Yes Lock. Boy, I can’t wait for the title match at the Royal Rumble. Eve is leaving for a reality show. Good luck. It doesn’t turn out well.

AJ tosses us to wedding highlights. Thanks. Dolph Ziggler gets my attention. Barely actually since Baby Momma Drama came back. For the love of pete. Jim Ross is out for the main event. Four man booth, even better. John Cena is giving hsi shit away to a special person. Nothing special happens before the commercial break. Oh, the heel ass showing. Ziggler turning the STF into a sleeper. Nice. Cena should not have kicked out of the door slam. I’m sorry. Cena pops back up, slams the door into Ziggler then kicks out of the Zig Zag. AJ freaks out after Cena kicking out of even more. The crowd freaks out when Cena wins. Why? Why? Fuck you Houston.

I know that I’m going to miss the last five minutes of the Rock’s segment. Now we get the Vickie Guerrero reveal. Sould have seen that coming. I’m not paying much attention today. She’s biting for it though. How dumb is she? Now she’s trying not to laugh at him. Even the yelling doesn’t help much. She walks off and that’s when my DVR cuts off. I record an extra five minutes for pete’s sake. -Kevin

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2 Responses

  1. That first paragraph is fucking amazing!

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