Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Tripping hazard

I’ve got nothing for an introduction or a picture. Hopefully something will come to me during the show.

I can’t wait until the WWE starts selling that hoodie CM Punk is wearing. Punk is using the “You Can’t See Me” defense. I’m glad Punk is calling his theory ridiculous. Hilarious conspiracy stuff. Alex Jones like if that could be said. Booker T shows up for some reason. Glad Booker can provide me with a picture by tripping over his tongue three times. Punk is going to take someone on tonight in another contrived vote. I have no idea who ESPN said was going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Dind’t have time to check the news this afternoon. Ryback comes out. Weird opening segment. Ah, he’s just the hook.

Get our app so that you can watch the same material you’re seeing on TV. Antonio Cesaro will look good in this match but still not win it. Dietary health is very important to Mitchell Cool & Jerry Lawler. That was the highlight before the commercial break. I’m a bit surprised Cesaro is going for the cheap win. Landing from that back drop has got to be painful. Glad Lawler pointed out the obvious with dumb bell Ryback. Shell Shock for the win. I still expected more from Cesaro, Jerry.

Since one review wasn’t enough, we get a second on the Shield and John Cena. We’re at the thirty-five minute mark. Rey Mysterio throws a pitch for the app too. He also said something about CM Punk. The Shield does Shield stuff. Bored. Vickie Guerrero wonders if John Cena has a Death Wish. Glad she could make a Charles Bronson reference. I buzz thru the Trish Stratus review. Only truly significant female wrestler in my life time. I don’t count Moolah when she was fifty something.

The WWE App is pimped by Chris Jericho. His sales pitch blew. It was different though. Booker T is in the booth. Lucky us. Jack Swagger gets to be on the comeback trail against Santino Marella. The Ankle Lock is now the Patriot Act. He screams that he’s just getting started. I did like Booker bringing up buy rate demographics. Baby touch of realism from the WWE.

Alberto Del Rio comes out to…Justin Roberts. That stunk. Del Rio’s facial expressions stink. Cody Rhodes is going to win the competition for best dressed of the week. Rhodes has a poor showing as in, they under sold his offense. Del Rio with the cross arm breaker. Del Rio starts to apologize for being an ass. He’s for the hard working man now. You’ll pay for what you did Big Show. He did Del Rio a favor by not finishing him yet. Big Show wants another title match for the Elimination Chamber. Jerry Lawler is announcing the poll results. Chris Jericho is the run away winner. Cool.

Kane & Daniel Bryan are blaming each other. The WWE already has a back up match for Rey Mysterio. That’s who Bryan is fighting. The new style singlet for Rey is not flattering. Fun match up so far. Break time. Fun match after the break. 619 connects. Drop of the Dime misses. Bryan wins with the No Lock. Mark Henry comes back. Henry tosses Bryan into the barricade. Sin Cara tries to make the save but gets the World’s Strongest Slam. He drops Mysterio with one and a splash.

Daniel Bryan questions Kane. Words hurt. Kane is so awesome right now. More replays. Shattered hip. Big Show gets to answer his door. Surprise, it’s just food. Big Show stiffs him for a tip. Stop twinkling your fingers you greedy bitch.

Sheamus is taking on Kane. He is winning the match up until Daniel Bryan comes down. Sheamus takes advantage. Brogue Kick.

That segment was pretty weak. A single sentence. The Miz babbles until Paul Heyman interrupts. Heyman points out the obvious footage problem, he tried to stop Lesnar. The Miz calls out the stalling. Vickie comes out for some reason. The bickering has to stop? Why? That’s your whole show. She admits to bring Brock to the arena to sign the contract and he went rogue. The Miz goes in for more. Brock Lesnar comes out. The Miz gets what he deserves after pushing Brock.

Randy Orton gets his replacement match. Against Wade Barrett, again. Bo Dallas sucks. RKO out of nowhere. I just couldn’t bring myself to care about the match.

Fandango gets another video vignette. Lucky you Johnny Curtis. Chris Jericho comes out first. CM Punk gets a poor intoduction by Justin Roberts. Cool & Lawler call him out. Way to stick with a storyline for a change. Another fun start to a match before break. Fun match up after the break too. I’m not surprised. I could watch them almost as often as Barrett & Orton fight. Jericho turns a GTS into the Walls. The crowd really blew up for that. GTS for a much needed win. Punk can’t beat too many value names but a limited time Jericho is perfect for it.

Big surprise here with Bruno Sammartino. Eight year title reign is so stupid. I’m glad I didn’t see that one early. Surprises are fun.

CM Punk gets to carp some more. John Cena is in the middle of whoop ass season. He wants to push back. Big Show is done eating. I’m too lazy to start a new paragraph. Too many one sentence segment tonight. Del Rio still gets his ass kicked when he surprises Big Show. Del Rio knocks him out with a fire extinguisher. We get a slow elevator get away. Brad Maddox is in the ring. Paul Heyman preyed on him. How is this going over time slot? All to set up Wrestlemania? Maddox is going to teach the Shield about justice. Hilarious. He goes Bane. The Shield swarms. John Cena is a dick for letting that happen.  So are Ryback and Sheamus. The Shield retreats. Whatever. -Kevin

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